EU 229: Has He Said You’re Sexy Lately? Navigating Compliments, Self-Worth, and Confidence During Swimsuit Season8 min read

July 8, 2024

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I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, marriage coach, course creator, retreat host, mother of 3, married for 23 years and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. 


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Today, we’re diving into a topic that many of us struggle with but rarely talk about openly—feeling sexy and validated in our relationships, especially as we head into swimsuit season. For most of us, we’re not at our ideal weight, and it can feel disheartening when our partners don’t seem to notice or appreciate our efforts to look good for them. Today we’ll explore why compliments are so important, how their absence impacts our self-esteem and relationships, and what we can do to feel sexy and confident. If you’ve ever wondered, “When was the last time he told me I looked beautiful?” this episode is for you. Let’s go ahead and get started.


  • Compliments and verbal affirmations are crucial for feeling validated and appreciated in relationships.
  • It’s important to address our own insecurities and cultivate self-confidence and self-love from within.
  • Open communication is key to expressing our needs and desires for compliments and affirmations.
  • Practicing self-validation, self-care, and positive self-talk can help boost self-esteem.
  • Seeking professional help can be beneficial for exploring underlying insecurities and relationship dynamics.
  • Shifting our perspective and looking for other signs of affection from our partners can help us feel validated.
  • Feeling sexy and confident starts from within and should not solely rely on external validation.

The Importance of Compliments

Compliments and verbal affirmations are crucial because they validate our efforts and make us feel seen and appreciated. Research shows that positive reinforcement can enhance self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. When we don’t receive these affirmations, we might start questioning our attractiveness and worth, leading to feelings of insecurity and frustration. This often spills over into our relationships, causing unnecessary tension and misunderstanding.

Samantha’s Story

Let’s start with the story from one of our listeners whom we’ll call Samantha. She says, “Hi girls, I’m looking for some impartial advice. I’m 28 years old, and my partner is 32. We have been together a year and a half now. We have lived together for at least a year. We’ve been through quite a lot together in that time, and it hasn’t always been easy, but what relationship is? Anyway, my husband never gives me compliments. He never tells me I look good or what I’m wearing is nice. I know guys do not notice when a girl has a haircut or gets their nails done, but he has never complimented me on how good I look for a night out or has said anything nice about my appearance after I’ve made every effort to dress up.”

Can anybody relate? Samantha’s experience is all too common. She goes on to share, “Today, I told him how I felt, but I never put my feelings into words properly. I exploded. I asked him, ‘When was the last time you told me I was beautiful, pretty, sexy, attractive?’ He couldn’t answer me. And that is because I don’t think he has ever said that to me. He literally shut down and then immediately blamed me. His reply: ‘You know I love you. Why do you have to start an argument? Why are you asking me these questions?’ I feel so frustrated as our relationship is otherwise good. He’s a good father. I mean, he’s a good provider.”

Addressing Insecurities

But here’s the thing—while it’s natural to crave compliments, it’s also important to address our own insecurities. We can’t solely rely on external validation for our self-worth. It’s a balance between seeking and appreciating positive feedback from our partners and cultivating self-confidence and self-love from within.

“Because don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you guys. I’m not saying this is your fault. I’m not saying that you guys aren’t right in feeling the way you feel. What I am saying is when we’re solely seeking validation from them and that right there highlights or it measures or it kind of gauges our sense of self-worth, that’s why I’m going to say that’s a problem. It’s a huge problem. Why? Because our worth should not be based off of how somebody else views us. Our words should not be so stuck on whether or not my husband thinks I’m sexy or whether or not he says it. Do I want him to say it? Absolutely. Do I want it to come naturally from him to say it? Yes, but there are so many factors that come in between that dialogue happening, that exchange happening. And oftentimes, we tend to personalize, you know, well, he doesn’t think I’m attractive or maybe I didn’t try hard enough or maybe I need to lose 20 more pounds or maybe I need to dye my hair, maybe I need to do my makeup or maybe I need a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Those are your insecurities talking. That’s what I want you to address because that’s what you have control over.” (Veronica Cisneros)

Actionable Steps

  1. Communicate Openly
    Express your feelings to your partner calmly and clearly. Let them know how much you appreciate compliments and why they matter to you. Avoid being defensive or attacking. Instead, have an honest conversation about your needs and listen to their perspective as well.
  2. Practice Self-Validation
    Engage in positive self-talk and remind yourself of your strengths and beauty regularly. Look in the mirror and focus on the parts of yourself that you love. Write down your thoughts and feelings to understand better where your insecurities are coming from.
  3. Focus on Self-Care
    Take care of your body and mind. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, whether it’s exercise, dressing up, or pampering yourself. Make time for self-care and recognize its importance in your overall well-being.
  4. Seek Professional Help
    Sometimes, underlying insecurities and relationship dynamics need more than just a conversation. Therapy can be a valuable tool to explore these issues deeply. Everyone can benefit from therapy with the right therapist.
  5. Shift Your Perspective
    Understand that your partner might express love and appreciation in different ways. Look for other signs of their affection and effort. Have conversations to understand their background and how they learned to express love and appreciation.

“Remember, feeling sexy and confident starts from within. It’s about embracing and loving yourself, fully, regardless of external validation.” (Veronica Cisneros)


In conclusion, ladies, if you’re struggling with this issue, remember you’re not alone. We all crave affirmation and love, but it’s equally important to nurture our own sense of self-worth. If you’re feeling stuck and ready to explore these challenges more deeply, consider reaching out for professional help. Here at Outside the Norm Counseling, we’re here to support you on your journey to self-discovery and confidence. For more information, go to Outside the Norm Counselingor call us at 951-395-3288.

Thank you for joining me today. Remember, you are beautiful, you are worthy and empowered. Until next time, stay unapologetically you. Bye for now.

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Meet Veronica Cisneros

As a leading authority in women’s empowerment and a fierce advocate for building strong networks, Veronica is your go-to guru for turning fears into victories, struggles into strengths, and doubts into boundless opportunities.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 10 plus years; empowering high-achieving women in business to conquer both professional heights and personal fulfillment. She doesn’t do bandaids!
Veronica has a unique approach to overcoming obstacles and smashing through the glass ceilings that loom over ambitious women. With her arsenal of practical tools, actionable strategies, and unwavering support, Veronica doesn’t just help women succeed in their careers – she helps them thrive in every facet of their lives.

But Veronica’s expertise isn’t just theoretical – it’s personal. With over 24 years of marriage, three daughters, and a soaring career, Veronica embodies the resilience and determination needed to navigate life’s challenges. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Group Private Practice Owner, of Outside The Norm Counseling, Marriage Coach, and the voice behind the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica effortlessly guides women to challenge themselves beyond their comfort zones.

Veronica is more than an expert – she’s a partner in transformation, turning mundane relationships into true connections. With her relatable charm and infectious humor, Veronica illuminates the path for women who refuse to settle for anything less than success in both business and relationships. Through practical tips, heartfelt anecdotes, and her trademark wit, Veronica empowers every woman to cultivate unbreakable bonds without sacrificing their ambitions.

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I’m Veronica, your new Boss MOM Mentor with no filter and no BS. 

I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, women’s coach, course creator, and retreat host. Married for OVER 20 years, raising three girls, and the host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. 

Enough about me… 

My jam? Helping high-achieving women thrive both at home and in the hustle of work.

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