How to cope when your husband invalidates your reality with Shaelene Kite | EU 1597 min read

March 6, 2023

Have you regretted the way that you behaved in a situation with your spouse or kids? Is there a situation that constantly stresses you out that you want to change? Do you want to develop better control over your emotions and reactions? In today’s podcast, I am joined by Shaelene Kite. In this episode, we […]

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I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, marriage coach, course creator, retreat host, mother of 3, married for 23 years and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. 


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Have you regretted the way that you behaved in a situation with your spouse or kids? Is there a situation that constantly stresses you out that you want to change? Do you want to develop better control over your emotions and reactions?

In today’s podcast, I am joined by Shaelene Kite. In this episode, we discuss using DBT principles to improve yourself and your marriage.

Meet Shaelene Kite

Shaelene Kite is a DBT-LBC Certified Clinician, Registered Yoga Teacher, Approved Clinical Supervisor, and the owner of DBT of South Jersey.

She leads a group practice of 20 that has continued to grow rapidly since its opening in 2018. DBT of South Jersey hit its first $1 million plus in revenue just two short years after opening its doors and continues to grow and thrive.

Shaelene is also the owner of Rebelmente, her impact brand where she trains others in the areas of DBT, mindfulness, yoga, and trauma. Through Rebelmente, Shaelene runs live and online training, hosts retreats and wellness experiences, speaks at mental health conferences, and coaches group and private practice owners to take their healing work and businesses to the next level.

Shaelene hosts T-Talk Podcast, where she shares the therapy tea related to all things healing. Shaelene loves going to concerts, traveling, long walks with a good podcast, and spending time with her two Christophers (one big, one little) and two weiner dogs  

Connect with Shaelene on Instagram, and listen to her podcast here.

In This Podcast


  • What is DBT?
  • How to get in control of your emotions
  • What contributes to the source of tension?
  • Realize that you get to make a choice

What is DBT?

DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy.

It’s an evidence-based treatment, which means there’s a lot of research out there to support that it works, and … it actually works in treating BPD directly. (Shaelene Kite)

Everyone exhibits behaviors that are either helpful or unhelpful.

These could be habits, reactions, or ways of dealing with events like stress or surprise, or discomfort. Even though these reactions or behaviors may seem hard-wired, they’re not, and with therapy and some effort, they can be changed.

DBT helps people to change their behaviors and to target behaviors that are causing more problems, decrease those, and replace them with more skillful, adapted behaviors that benefit you in the long run. (Shaelene Kite)

How to get in control of your emotions

1 – Cultivate your awareness to notice when the pattern that you want to change is happening: if there is something that you often do when emotions are high that you want to change, you first need to practice noticing that moment.

The first step to change is always awareness, and practicing how to become aware of and isolate that moment or that reaction whenever it arises.

2 – Identify the physical sensations that you are feeling at that moment: what does your body feel like? What is happening to your breathing, your heart rate, and your voice?

3 – Work on your expectations: what are your expectations for yourself and for the person whom you are interacting with?

4 – Learn to tolerate discomfort: how can you learn to sit with a difficult emotion and work through it intentionally instead of lashing out the moment you feel an uncomfortable emotion?

Reality acceptance is about doing just that, it’s helping us to accept reality just as it is without fighting it and if you think of yourself in a moment when you’re losing your shit, you’re not accepting reality, right? You’re fighting against whatever it is. (Shaelene Kite)

5 – Recognize that there is truth on both sides: no one is ever totally right or totally wrong because often there is truth on both sides, and both people feel entitled to defend their truth, especially when they feel that their partner is not listening to them.

Truth is something that’s relative, it’s still subjective. There are certain things that we can argue over, but there’s always going to be another side to something. (Shaelene Kite)

What contributes to the source of tension?

You and your partner can talk all day about what is important and what you both want to change, but communication without action doesn’t yield many results.

If a pattern is continually repeated, and you’ve tried communicating about it but it still keeps happening, then you need to go deeper.

What is contributing to the source of this tension? Which behaviors are keeping this pattern alive?

More importantly, how do you want to feel about yourself?

Even if you are right, even if it is valid that you’re like a 20 out of 10 in anger … you also want to think about like, “How do I want to feel about myself after?” (Shaelene Kite)

What your relationship looks like – whether there are lots of small problems or big, unending problems – will dictate how you decide to move forward.

Realize that you get to make a choice

We actually get to make a choice, like, we have that option. It doesn’t feel like we have that option. (Veronica Cisneros)

You need to cultivate an awareness of who you are, and who you want to be. At which point would this tension be too much?

By accepting the situation, you are not giving the person a free pass. You are making space for yourself and your peace amid a situation that can be changed.

There’s an opportunity for something to happen differently, but that can’t come without looking at it and having awareness of [asking], “Let me see what I can change first to see if I can influence it and see if something will shift there.” (Shaelene Kite)

Useful links:

A Better Marriage Couple’s Retreat spots are OPEN – Book here
  • 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org
  • Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
  • Take the Marriage Predictor quiz!
  • Follow me on Instagram
  • Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
  • Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
  • Website: https://www.rebelmente.com/
  • Podcast: https://www.rebelmente.com/t-talk-podcast
  • LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shaelene-kite-she-her-3983951a2/
  • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shaelenekite/?hl=en
  • Twitter: https://twitter.com/shaelenekthx?lang=en
  • Veronica’s episode on Shaelene’s podcast: https://www.rebelmente.com/t-talk-podcast/veronicacisneros
  • Meet Veronica Cisneros

    Veronica Cisneros | Empowered And Unapologetic Podcast

    Hello, my name is Veronica Cisneros, I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Marriage Coach, Course Creator, Retreat Host, Mother of 3, married for 23 years, host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, and owner of a group private practice called Outside The Norm Counseling.

    A lot of couples struggle with setting aside intentional time to connect and communicate. They yearn for meaningful conversations that don’t lead to arguments.

    1 month away from divorce, I realized I had to do something different. For years I had compromised myself to meet the needs of my husband and my child, I lost myself and was about to lose my marriage. After years of personal growth and self-reflection, I not only reclaimed my identity, and celebrated 23 years of marriage but also helped hundreds of couples transform their marriage from feeling like roommates to experiencing a deeper love.

    I am on a mission to help couples reignite the fire by providing them with the skills to have the relationship they deserve.

    Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

    Thanks for listening!

    Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast on Apple Podcast {previously iTunes) and subscribe!

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    I’m Veronica, your new Boss MOM Mentor with no filter and no BS. 

    I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, women’s coach, course creator, and retreat host. Married for OVER 20 years, raising three girls, and the host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. 

    Enough about me… 

    My jam? Helping high-achieving women thrive both at home and in the hustle of work.

    I've been there.

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    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Marriage Coach, Course Creator, Retreat Host, Mother of 3, Married for over 20 years.

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