Has a porn addiction impacted your relationship? How can you start to have this conversation with your partner? What are the first steps to healing the relationship and the connection with your partner?
In today’s podcast, we are joined by Carly Herbert. Carly is my Clinical Director here at Outside The Norm Counseling. Join us as we discuss and go more into detail about the 6 steps to help your husband with his porn addiction.
Meet Carly Herbert
Carly Herbert is an LMFT and a CATC-4. Carly graduated from Cal State University of San Bernardino in 2012 with a BA in Psychology.
She also attended California Baptist University in 2014 with a Masters in Counseling Psychology. To further her knowledge in helping with addiction she attended San Bernardino Valley College and obtained a Certificate in Drug and Alcohol Studies.
Carly is married to her childhood sweetheart for 8 years and they have one beautiful daughter who is full of life. She is also trained in Emotional Transformation Therapy which helps clients relieve trauma. Carly absolutely loves helping her clients live their best life and being a part of their growth is the most meaningful experience for her.
In This Podcast
- Be honest and upfront
- Express your feelings about porn
- Discuss expectations
- Set boundaries
- Have compassion
- Be proactive
Be honest and upfront
I just highly encourage that we rip the band-aid off and we just start talking about it … “I want to talk about us as a couple, and what this looks like.” (Carly Herbert)
If you start the conversation with an accusation, your partner will shut down.
Understandably, you are frustrated, but rather than making them the enemy, start the conversation from the angle of working on the relationship, and what being a couple looks like for the both of you.
Express your feelings about porn
Everybody has a different opinion about porn, and you should be able to express yours with your partner and have them respect and understand it.
You want to be honest … it’s also about how you feel about it, “I don’t want you to use porn”, or, “I think this is a little too often”. (Carly Herbert)
Talk with your partner about whether you are for porn, or against porn, and why.
Following on from expressing your feelings and sentiments about porn in an open conversation with your partner, then talk about your expectations.
What do they struggle with, and how much? What is realistic for them in terms of bringing their addiction under control, and even healing it fully?
Lay an action plan out together, as a couple or together with a couple’s therapist, that has an end goal that both you and your partner are working towards.
Again, your expectations from your honest and open discussion are what will lead you to set the boundaries to get you to the shared goal, so be real with yourself and with your partner!
I would tell women that if their husband is super struggling with a porn addiction, finding an addictions counselor would be helpful to do this together. (Carly Herbert)
A couple’s therapist can help to hold accountability and be the middle-man so that you and your partner can focus on developing the relationship together.
Your partner is not doing this to spite you or throwing it in your face that you’re not worthy. This really can be a compulsion that just takes time to recondition. (Carly Herbert)
It can be difficult to believe, especially if you feel strongly against porn, but sometimes people become addicted to porn as they can get to anything.
Do not take it personally. Your partner needs help, and help can be given. This addiction can be healed and fully recovered from.
Talk about what you would do with your partner if a porn addiction were to develop, or any addiction for that matter.
Being proactive is a great way for this issue to be addressed and for you both to understand how you can best approach one another if something similar were to come up.
Porn addiction is something that we have socially stigmatized … I don’t want women’s values to be crushed because they don’t want to have this conversation, or they don’t want to find out that they’re not enough because that is not the case. (Carly Herbert)
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Meet Veronica Cisneros
I’m a licensed therapist and women walk into my office every day stressed and disconnected. As a mom of three daughters, I want my girls to know who they are and feel confident about their future. I can’t think of a better way to help other women than by demonstrating an empowered and unapologetic life.
So I started Empowered and Unapologetic to be a safe space for women to be vulnerable and change their lives for the better before she ever needs to see a therapist.
Thanks for listening!
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