You love your Husband, he is great at work and helps you when needed but you’re feeling like you are carrying all the weight in your marriage. Whenever you and your husband argue, it feels like you are fighting against each other, trying to prove who is right and who is wrong. You wish you could reconnect with your husband after repeated arguments, right?

Here is the big question: Does it feel like you have lost your best friend?

In this podcast episode, I share a personal story of mine, about an argument Willie and I have. I also help you understand the difference between perpetual and solvable arguments and how to go about repairing the connection when these arguments happen.

Summary

• Are your arguments perpetual?
• Figure out what type of argument you’re having
• Arguments disguised as insecurities
• Repair attempts

Are your arguments perpetual?

It is expected to have arguments in a relationship. You and your partner are two different people, so naturally, you will disagree on some things.

However, not every disagreement needs to turn into a huge fight. 69% of arguments that couples have are perpetual and only 31% are solvable.

A perpetual argument is something that we’re never going to solve. It is unsolvable. Gottman says that they’re rooted in differences in personality styles, beliefs, and values. (Veronica Cisneros)

Have you come to realize that some arguments that you often have with your partner are not solvable? This is not bad. Some things you will need to agree to disagree on, with respect and love for one another.

Of course, if it’s a moral or ethical issue, that’s something different from a standard couple’s spat.

Figure out what type of argument you’re having

Is your argument solvable or perpetual? If it’s solvable, it’s usually situation-based.

It is something that has happened at that moment that may not happen again and can be resolved by taking an action or working together.

However, if your arguments are mostly perpetual, you both need to do something different.

A lot of us get so stuck in proving our partner wrong and getting them to see it our way that it just limits your ability to truly connect. It completely limits your ability to truly connect and move forward. (Veronica Cisneros)

Identify the topic of what you and your partner are perpetually arguing over because it exposes an insecurity that needs to be given time, attention, and care.

Arguments disguised as insecurities

Most perpetual arguments stem from unresolved or unaddressed insecurities in each partner.

Perpetual arguments expose something that you haven’t necessarily healed and that is what’s keeping you guys stuck in gridlock, because it’s a problem you haven’t solved, and on top of that, it’s exposing all of these emotions that you’re not ready to work on or not willing to change. (Veronica Cisneros)

This is where doing your own work becomes important. You need to sit with yourself and observe your triggers when they come up because they can guide you to places within yourself that probably need some more love and attention.

Of course, it is totally okay to seek professional help if you need or want some assistance with that.

It doesn’t mean that your marriage is on the rocks! In fact, seeing a couple’s therapist is a great way to strengthen your marriage and deepen your connection with your partner.

Repair attempts

• “Is there any way I can start over again? I said that wrong”
• “My part of the problem is …”
• “I might be wrong here, but what I think you mean is … did I understand you correctly?”
• “Tell me what you are hearing me say right now. Maybe I am not explaining myself in the best way possible”

How are you attempting to repair the argument? Not solve it, but repair the connection with you.

Listen for the repair attempts because that is when the arguments start to shift. When you let your guard down, your partner will start to let their guard down.

Useful links:

• Why am I not connecting with my Partner: Tips from a Marriage Therapist | EU 150
• Outside The Norm Counseling – Call (951) 395 3288
• FREE Guide Download – 5 Mistakes to Avoid for a Healthy Marriage
• Join The Empowered and Unapologetic Housewives Club
• Empowered and Unapologetic Instagram Page 

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Hello, my name is Veronica Cisneros, I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Marriage Coach, Course Creator, Retreat Host, Mother of 3, married for 23 years, host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, and owner of a group private practice called Outside The Norm Counseling.

A lot of couples struggle with setting aside intentional time to connect and communicate. They yearn for meaningful conversations that don’t lead to arguments.

1 month away from divorce, I realized I had to do something different. For years I had compromised myself to meet the needs of my husband and my child, I lost myself and was about to lose my marriage. After years of personal growth and self-reflection, I not only reclaimed my identity, and celebrated 23 years of marriage but also helped hundreds of couples transform their marriage from feeling like roommates to experiencing a deeper love.

I am on a mission to help couples reignite the fire by providing them with the skills to have the relationship they deserve.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or join our Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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