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Let’s get one thing straight: If you’re the one managing the calendar, making all the decisions, planning every date night, and still motivating your husband to help with the kids—you’re not crazy, you’re exhausted. And you’re not alone.

In this eye-opening episode of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast, I sat down with relationship coach and best-selling author Dr. Ray Doktor, Psy.D., to dive deep into the very real struggle so many high-achieving women face in their relationships: Why are you always the one leading—and what can you do about it?

This wasn’t some surface-level chat. Dr. Ray and I went in. From generational conditioning to masculine energy and emotional safety, we unraveled what’s really going on when your partner doesn’t show up—and what it takes to shift the dynamic.

Here’s what you need to know.

When He Won’t Lead—It’s Not Always About You

If you’re feeling more like your husband’s life coach than his partner, Dr. Ray says you’re likely experiencing the result of generational patterns and a culture that raised men to be taken care of instead of held accountable.

Many modern men—especially Millennials and younger Gen Xers—were raised by well-meaning, overprotective mothers who made life way too comfortable. These men didn’t learn to take initiative or develop emotional grit. And unless they’ve done real inner work or been challenged by a strong mentor, they never had to.

“If he’s had women taking care of him his whole life, why would he change?” – Dr. Ray Doktor

So if you’re constantly filling in the gaps—emotionally, mentally, financially—it’s not that he’s incapable. It’s that you’ve become the parent in the relationship… and nobody wants to sleep with their parent.

Did You Fall in Love with His Potential?

This one’s gonna sting a little.

Dr. Ray says many women fall into a cycle of loving a man’s potential—who he could be, who he says he wants to become—rather than who he actually is.

Let me ask you this:

• Have you been waiting 5, 10, even 15 years for him to follow through on promises?
• Do you feel like you’ve outgrown him emotionally?
• Are you exhausted from constantly having to motivate him to do the bare minimum?

Here’s the hard truth: If he doesn’t see the value in changing, he won’t.

And you can’t make someone change just because you wish they would.

So What Can You Actually Do?

Here’s the good news: You’re not powerless. You’re not doomed. But you do have to get honest with yourself.

1. Ask the Hard Questions
   Dr. Ray suggests getting radically clear:

• Do I truly accept him as he is?
• If I met him today, would I choose him?
• Am I still motivated by love, or am I just trying to hold it all together?

Write your answers down. Clarity is power.

2. Stop Overfunctioning
   Let him lead… even if it’s messy at first. That might mean letting go of control over how things are done. If you want him to step up, you have to step back.
3. Don’t Speak in Blame—Speak in Vision
   Instead of “Why don’t you ever…?” try:
   “I feel most safe and connected to you when you follow through. That’s when I feel turned on, relaxed, and supported.”
   Speak from your experience instead of attacking his character.

What Happens When You Stay in Your Masculine Energy?

When you’re always the one making decisions, holding the household together, and emotionally checking the boxes, you’re living in your masculine energy 24/7.

And what does that do?

It kills polarity. It leaves your partner passive, and it leaves you feeling resentful and disconnected.

As Dr. Ray puts it:
“If your man finally does something right and you criticize how he did it, you’re training him not to try again.”

Oof.

Instead, start with what he did well, then invite the improvement:
“Thank you for mowing the lawn—could you just tuck the mower back into the shed next time so the kids don’t trip over it?”

Connection first. Correction second.

When Is It Time to Walk Away?

If you’ve tried everything—therapy, coaching, open-hearted conversations—and he’s still not showing up, it might be time to accept the hardest truth of all:

He’s not going to.

Here are a few signs it may be time to leave:

• He gets defensive or shuts down every time you bring up your needs
• He only changes for a moment, then reverts back
• You feel more at peace imagining life without him than with him
• You’ve said, “I’m done” a hundred times… but nothing’s changed

“At some point, the biggest shift you can make is realizing you’ve already been doing it alone.” – Veronica Cisneros

Rebuilding Trust Starts With You

Dr. Ray reminds us that emotional safety doesn’t begin with your partner—it begins with you.

You have to trust that:

• You can have the hard conversation
• You’ll be okay no matter what happens
• You’re not too much for wanting more

Only from that grounded place can you create real change, whether it’s with him… or without him.

The First Step to Shifting the Dynamic

If you’re tired of carrying the emotional weight of your marriage, try this today:

Journal these three prompts:

1. What am I still doing that’s keeping him comfortable and unmotivated?
2. What would my life look like if I weren’t responsible for everything?
3. Am I in love with him, or the version of him I hope he becomes?

Then ask yourself: What’s one action I can take today to reclaim my power?

Want to Go Deeper?

Dr. Ray has a free resource and a group experience just for strong women—no mansplaining, no shame, just raw truth and real support. Visit raydoktor.com to download it and learn more.

Your relationship shouldn’t feel like a second job.

Whether you’re in a marriage that needs mending or you’re figuring out if it’s time to move on, know this: You deserve a partner, not a project.

It’s not too late to create the relationship you crave—or the life you want.
And you don’t have to do it alone.

Found this episode powerful? Share it with a friend who needs to hear this. And remember, your worth isn’t tied to how much you carry. It’s in how boldly you choose to let go.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Take the Marriage Predictor quiz!
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Dr. Ray Doktor

Dr. Ray Doktor is a best-selling author, recognized by the team behind the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, Dr. Ray has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Eckhart Tolle. You may have seen him on the E Channel, HBO, and KCAL 9 Los Angeles. His insights have been featured in Psychology Today, Men’s Health, and the Los Angeles Times.

Digital Coordinates:

https://raydoktor.com

https://www.allittakesisonebook.com

https://raydoktor.com/book-a-call

https://www.instagram.com/drraydoktorcoaching

https://www.facebook.com/raydoktor

https://www.youtube.com/raydoktor

Meet Veronica Cisneros

As a leading authority in women’s empowerment and a fierce advocate for building strong networks, Veronica is your go-to guru for turning fears into victories, struggles into strengths, and doubts into boundless opportunities.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 10 plus years; empowering high-achieving women in business to conquer both professional heights and personal fulfillment. She doesn’t do bandaids!
Veronica has a unique approach to overcoming obstacles and smashing through the glass ceilings that loom over ambitious women. With her arsenal of practical tools, actionable strategies, and unwavering support, Veronica doesn’t just help women succeed in their careers – she helps them thrive in every facet of their lives.

But Veronica’s expertise isn’t just theoretical – it’s personal. With over 24 years of marriage, three daughters, and a soaring career, Veronica embodies the resilience and determination needed to navigate life’s challenges. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Group Private Practice Owner, of Outside The Norm Counseling, Marriage Coach, and the voice behind the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica effortlessly guides women to challenge themselves beyond their comfort zones.

Veronica is more than an expert – she’s a partner in transformation, turning mundane relationships into true connections. With her relatable charm and infectious humor, Veronica illuminates the path for women who refuse to settle for anything less than success in both business and relationships. Through practical tips, heartfelt anecdotes, and her trademark wit, Veronica empowers every woman to cultivate unbreakable bonds without sacrificing their ambitions.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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