[VERONICA]:
Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast
Network, a family of podcasts that changed the world. To hear other podcasts like, the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play.

Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women, just like you, how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.

Hey ladies, welcome to the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. I’m your host, Veronica Cisneros. Today’s guest is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, mother of three, soon to be four, and lover of sleep. She’s the owner of the sleep consulting company, The Peaceful Sleeper, where she helps mamas and their babies get the sleep they need. Her ultimate goal is to help mothers reclaim the magic of motherhood. So please help me by welcoming Chrissy Lawler.

[CHRISSY]:
Hi, I’m so glad to be here.

[VERONICA]:
Girl. Thank you so much. Thank you so so much. You guys do not know, you guys do not have a clue what it took to, like, make this happen on both ends. I think both of us were in between, like, dropping off our kids, right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah, that’s just mom life. So, we just make it work.

[VERONICA]:
We make it work. I know I was debating on, “Okay, do I have time to take a shower?”

[CHRISSY]:
I know, seriously, I was blow drying my hair in the car this morning with the heater. So yeah, we just did that, and it’s fine.

[VERONICA]:
I love it. I have to say though, I am so inspired by your ability to help moms, especially when they’re in desperate need. Sleep is no joke. Especially when you have a newborn right?

[CHRISSY]:
Totally. Yeah, it’s anything, like, not just for young moms, but for everybody, like, sleep is one of the most undervalued things that makes the biggest difference across the board. So, like, I kind of tell people all the time that like sleep, getting good sleep is a way to guarantee that your baseline increases, so like, but I don’t, I don’t know why like we all, well, a lot of us just like, stay up late or like, “Oh, I’ll sleep when I’m dead” or like, “Oh, one more episode on Netflix, I’m gonna be so tired, whatever push play” and it’s like, no, wait, hold on, if we can prioritize sleep, everything else improves. Why do we undervalue that so much? You know?

[VERONICA]:
I think it’s one of those things, that we try to do it all. And I’ve said this before, us moms, we wear this badge of honor, you know, that we can do it all and it can only be us that does it. And, you know, when we do have, right and when we do have that moment of, you know, watching something on Netflix, it’s like, oh my god, you know, I’m finally sitting down. Finally, with this glass of wine or with my Cheetos or whatever the hell I have, you know, I haven’t had that, nobody’s gonna steal it from me, you know. I’m going to go ahead and watch something and we, in so many ways, compromise ourselves. And I appreciate that you said, you know, sleep is a form of self-care and I don’t think a lot of us realize that. So, can you please tell me more about that?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah, well, I mean, you don’t even have to Google very far to find out that like sleep benefits our physical health and our mental health and is linked to like, heart problems at like, our bodies need sleep to restore all of our basic functioning. So, and like, if you’re not sleeping, well, then usually your diet sucks, and you’re holding on to weight more like, every single thing in our lives can improve if we are consistently getting better sleep. But like you said, it’s one of those things that’s like, Oh, no, no, no, like, I finally have a minute to myself, or I can’t go to sleep yet because I should get the house all cleaned so that I’ll wake up to a clean house in the morning, or I should stay up late and pack my kids lunches or like, we could have a billion different reasons that we deprioritize sleep. But, you know, in my counseling and then in the sleep business, I try and really just preach like, hold on, getting better sleep improves everything. So, like you said, I’m about to have my fourth daughter and so like princess is kind of my world at home. But I noticed now, in the beginning of the movie Cinderella, like when she wakes up and she like, throws open the curtains and like she’s singing and the birds are chirping. Like, when we have that unexpected night, a fantastic sleep, that is what we wake up feeling like, oh my gosh, the sun is shining, I’m feeling good and feeling happy. And how often do we roll out of bed in the morning and we’re like, ugh, here we go again. Or like, ugh just ten more minutes.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[CHRISSY]:
And it’s like, what if we could wake up every morning freaking feeling like Cinderella? And

[VERONICA]:
Girl, preach.

[CHRISSY]:
It’s just up to us to make that switch to say, “No, you know what? I’m gonna go to bed. I’m going to prioritize my sleep, this will be worth it.”

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. So how did so how did this even happen? Like, you know, I know you have three girls, and I know you have one on the way. And I know you have an amazing husband all that. So, tell us more about you and how you how sleep became so big in your life.

[CHRISSY]:
Okay, yeah. So, I have been doing therapy for 10 years. And I started to notice that some of my clients that were the most stuck in their lives, they were stuck in depression, they were stuck in anxiety, they were stuck in resentments with their spouse, like everybody that just wasn’t moving the needle in therapy and had major sleep issues. And then I hate it, because I’m kind of a perfectionist. So, I hated that when clients would talk about their massive sleep issues. I was just like,” yeah, yeah, yeah, I have insomnia too, but like, I don’t know, try like lavender oil or something, like, let’s get back to the topic at hand.” Yeah, it was like, wait a second, I have no tools to help people with their sleep and this seems like it’s kind of a major roadblock.

[VERONICA]:
It’s huge!

[CHRISSY]:
And so, yeah, and like, I hated that. I was just like, “Ah, yeah, yeah, Let’s talk about something else.” So, it kind of was just, I think the universe, like plopped it in my lap. Because one day shortly after I had that epiphany, I just got like a mailer about continuing education for this specific type of therapy that treats insomnia. And it was like a 30-hour course. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, this is amazing.” And then when I did that training, it just like, blew my mind. And so, I started treating adult sleep issues, then fast forward, I had kids of my own and then also being a therapist, I was super on top of like, Wow, my mental health has really suffered since I’ve had kids like I think this is postpartum depression, I think this is postpartum anxiety. And remembering from that training that I did, that they’re starting to think that postpartum depression and anxiety is more closely linked to the instantaneous and dramatic sleep deprivation, more than even just hormonal shifts. And so, yeah, I realized firsthand like my baby’s happier when she’s getting good sleep. I’m happier when I’m getting good sleep. I enjoy motherhood. I love my spouse so much more. And so, yeah, I just kind of realized that like, whoa, sleep deprivation puts like a gray fog all over everything. And I don’t have to live in a gray fog of being stressed out and overwhelmed.

[VERONICA]:
Yes, and I appreciate you sharing, you know, during assessment, you know, during so for those of you that don’t know, when it’s your first initial visit, we do what’s called an intake and we’re asking you so much questions about, you know, your history, your background, your symptoms. One big question we often ask is “how much sleep are you getting? Are you, you know, are you having trouble staying up? Or I’m sorry, are you having trouble falling asleep? Are you waking up in the middle of the night? Or are you having trouble with getting up period?” You know, and that’s really big. And another thing we also ask is for you to get, you know, physical. And we ask, “when’s the last time you had your physical?” All of those things are key because most of the time it might be something health related versus something that’s mentally and emotionally related, right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah, absolutely.

[VERONICA]:
And another key factor is, I know what some of my clients, I also at one time had worked for a partial hospitalization program. Sleep was big, especially for our severely depressed patients. They would hallucinate, right? They would hallucinate., they were severely irritated, they were severely anxious, and completely isolated, and withdrew from everyone. And we noticed that once we got their sleep in line, their mood changed dramatically. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t skipping and singing hallelujah and giving everybody high five, like that’s, it wasn’t that crazy.

[CHRISSY]:
They’re not like Cinderella yet.

[VERONICA]:
You, know, right, not yet, not yet, they need a little bit more work. But it was in the process and it was literally helping them get to that level, where then we can come in and the skills that we were teaching would be able to help them and help create even greater shift. So, I really love that you just you honed in on, on why it’s so important and why it’s so underrated.

[CHRISSY]:
Mm hmm. Yeah. And like sleep is one of our basic fundamental human needs for survival. Like, sleep deprivation is a form of torture. So yeah, and like, we wouldn’t expect ourselves to, I don’t know, go without eating adequately for days and days and days. I mean, I guess people on extreme diets kind of do that. But like, most people can recognize like, oh, you’re not going to function well, or like, we use words like “Crungry” you know, to explain how we get cranky when we’re hungry, you know, and it’s like, wait a second, remember how we get cranky? And everything is just a little bit more gray when we haven’t slept well. And then we’re just like, oh, give me a rock star, give me more cups of coffee. And it’s like, yeah, but that’s like a band-aid for the underlying problem.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo.

[CHRISSY]:
One other story that I want to share is I went to this like self-help seminar a couple years ago, and this woman was talking about, you know how to shift habits and whatever and she was telling the story about kind of everything in her life was falling apart at once. Her husband died, and her son was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and just like, seriously, it felt like everything that could go wrong in this woman’s life, did. And so, she was talking about how she was determined to not let that get her down. So, she made a goal for herself every morning that when her feet hit the floor in the morning, she would say, “Today is going to be a good day.” And I loved that so much. And it also highlighted to me, unfortunately, that being a mom with young kids, when my feet hit the floor in the morning, I said, “Ah, fuck.” I was like, wow, I am starting my day, you know, because I heard the baby crying on the monitor and just like another day, more of the grind, I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m overwhelmed. And it just was so hard.

[VERONICA]:
I don’t want to do this.

[CHRISSY]:
Like, I woke up saying the F word. Because that is how I was stepping into my life. And this woman who was going through unimaginable hardships, was waking up telling herself that today is going to be a good day. And she dealt with her trials with like amazing grace and poise and it was, it was kind of in that moment that I was like, “Okay, hold on, something needs to change.” Not only do I need to get better sleep, but I also need to let my feet hit the floor in the morning with a little bit of a better attitude. And I feel like so often that is the impact that not just sleep deprivation, but just overwhelm in general, like you talked about how moms, we want to do it all, and women in general, we want to do it all and like, Oh, I have to do this, I have to do that. And we have so many shoulds, like, I should keep my house clean, and I should make meals for my family every day, and I should also have a side business, and I should also da da da da da da da. And when we do that, we stack our lives with so much overwhelm that we can’t actually enjoy anything that’s in front of us.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah, at all. Mm hmm. Absolutely. What do you think so I call it we wake up to the checklist, right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yes.

[VERONICA]:
And we’re like a prisoner of that damn checklist.

[CHRISSY]:
Yes.

[VERONICA]:
Like no joke. I wake up every morning to that checklist. And there’s something about, you know, I was there at one point, there’s something about having a clean house before you go to bed, there’s something about having that light, you know that perfectly lined carpet because you vacuumed it and all the lines are in the same direction, and it’s not all crazy skitter scatter. There’s something about that, we feel this sense of accomplishment. However, you’re spot on when you say we compromise ourselves. And sleep deprivation, it is, it’s a form of, what is the word you use, torture?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
It is a form of torture. And so what issues do you find most moms run into with getting sleep? Like what do you think it is? Why is it this constant self-sabotage?

[CHRISSY]:
I think there are a lot of factors that go into it. A) I think that we a lot of us just have this like old script, I think from childhood that says, “Oh, I don’t want to go to sleep, sleep is boring, like, there’s so much that I want to be doing”. I think that a lot of times with sleep, you know, like, as moms in general or we make sure that our kids are so much better taken care of than we are. You know, I joke.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[CHRISSY]:
I was driving home on a road trip and I passed a Dairy Queen and I’m pregnant, so, whatever. But like, it was 9:30 in the morning and I’m like, “Uh huh, yep, it’s time for ice cream”. And I was like, would I ever give my children ice cream at 9:30 in the morning? Absolutely not. But am I gonna do that to myself? Uh huh.

[VERONICA]:
Hell yeah.

[CHRISSY]:
But yeah, like, so often are like, no, kids need to be in bed by eight o’clock. Sleep is good for you. But yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m fine. So, I think that’s one part of it, is that we take care of other people a lot of times, way better than we take care of ourselves. I think also moms just put so much on their plates, and it’s really hard to ask for help, or it feels like if I’m not going to get it anyway. So instead of asking for help, and being resentful, I’m just going to do it on my own, which really like there is a possibility that you ask for help, and you actually get help. So, I think we need to not give up on asking for help. And then there’s just, oh, sorry, go ahead.

[VERONICA]:
I was gonna say, no, I’m sorry. Because right now when you said that, the crazy thing is, is it might even be your husband helping you if you ask him. And this is crazy. I know it’s gonna sound crazy. However, he might do it right. Like he might get it right or even better than you would have done it because you haven’t slept. You’re over here eating ice cream early in the morning, you don’t have the fuel you need to go ahead and go about your day, which is already slammed. So yes, I’m sorry, I just had to I had to go ahead and validate what you just said.

[CHRISSY]:
Absolutely. Yeah, cuz I think sometimes, like, we I’m sure every woman listening has had experiences where they asked their husband for help and their husband was like, begrudgingly helpful or not actually that helpful or straight up told them no or something. Like, we all have different experiences asking for help, but we give up too often. Like, no, tried to ask for help, nobody can help me so fine, I’m just gonna do it on my own. And we have to stop doing that we have to realize, I tell all my therapy clients, like, especially the moms that are super overwhelmed, like, make a list of everything that is on your to do list, all of the shoulds, all of the things, and then put all of that stuff in three categories. I do it somebody, else does it, or it doesn’t get done. Like those are literally the only three options. And so, what we usually find in the beginning, is the “I do it” list is insanely long and unrealistic. The “somebody else does it” list is usually full of resentments and annoyance because I want somebody else to do but they’re not actually going to do it. And the “it doesn’t get done list” feels like it’s just a list of failures.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[CHRISSY]:
Like, the things I wish that I could have done but I didn’t get to it because I suck and I’m a failure. And so, these are the things that just didn’t get done. So, I tell my clients all the time like no start evening out those lists and be empowered like the it doesn’t get done list. That should be something that you are empowered and unapologetic about I love those two words that you use I think that is so huge as women but like no picks up on your to do list and say, “You know what? Now’s not the season or today is not the day. It’s not going to get done and I feel great about it.”

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah, but somebody else does it like what can I delegate? What can I outsource? What can I get my kids to do? What can I, you know, I was talking to a friend the other day and she’s like, “My five-year-old makes her lunch in the morning from kindergarten because guess what, she can do it. She can get the bread off the counter. She can find the meat and cheese in the fridge. She can do it. And it’s like, yeah, how often are we doing things for kids that they could actually do for themselves. And so, 100% be empowered and say I can’t do it all. And I’m not going to do it all and me trying to do it all, just makes me feel like I’m drowning. This doesn’t work, and there’s got to be a better way.

[VERONICA]:
100% and I think if we’re able to go ahead and own that and admit that early on, you won’t be at this place where you’re severely depressed, severely anxious, you, there’s this ability where you can change your path. But I think, for so many of us women, we do it, we run ourselves ragged trying to do it all. And we don’t ask for help and most of us, most of us are even afraid to admit that we need help. And we’re conditioned to believe that we have to have it all together. And if we don’t, then this is a reflection of who we are and who we are then becomes not good enough. Who we are then becomes You know what, I’m not able to, you know, do what my mom did or what my neighbor does in She wakes up in the morning to the birds. And you know, the birds actually helped clean up her house, damn it, like and she’s right. And she’s in the heels when she walks her kids to school and she has her hair on point and her kids are all well-dressed. And it’s like, I can’t admit to her that I don’t have it all together, if anything now she’s my competition. And it’s like a lady. Ladies, you don’t know what the hell she’s going through. And not only that, her house probably got a good amount of sleep because she did the things to get there. And so, let’s high five her and let’s go ahead and learn from her. And let’s own where we’re at. Because if we own where we’re at, there’s so much peace in it. Because then we’re not. We’re not suffering silently, right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yes, totally. Yes. 100% because I think vulnerability fosters connection, and I love what you said or that like the sometimes as women like if somebody else admit something’s wrong. First, then usually, to jump in, you know, like, “Oh my gosh, I’m feeling so overwhelmed in my life lately.” And then all the moms can be like, “Aha, oh my gosh, me too.” And then all of a sudden, you’re way more connected. But I think it’s important for us, as women, to take on that role of like, we don’t have to sit in overwhelm and complaining all the time. But we can take on that role that says, “I can be brave and vulnerable, and I can be the ringleader on getting these relationships real.” Yes, you know, like, I’ll talk about my overwhelm. I’ll talk about, you know, figuring out how to delegate or ask for help, or I’m overwhelmed, or I’m not sleeping and I don’t know how to turn my brain off at night, or whatever it might be. There are always other people that are experiencing what you’re experiencing. We just have to reach out and open up to find connection.

[VERONICA]:
Yes, and I’m going to give you proof. I’m going to give you proof. And I’m going to ask you, Chrissy when you’re in a group full of women that don’t know you. What usually happens the minute you say, you’re a therapist, what usually happens because I’m gonna see if it’s the same thing that happens to me what usually happens?

[CHRISSY]:
Gosh, I feel like it goes one of two ways. One, sometimes people are like, oh, shoot, she’s gonna be like analyzing everything I better put on my best face. Oh my gosh, I want to talk to you about what’s real in my life.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo. Yes, that happens so often. I was on a flight. So, I was going on a business trip. And I ended up being right in between these two men. And I thought, Okay, this is awesome. And they asked me what I did. And you know, I thought, okay, I’m not gonna say I’m a school teacher. I’m not gonna do that again. I mean, actually say what I say what I do, and put your headphones.

[CHRISSY]:
Exactly.

[VERONICA]:
I’m gonna say what I do because you know, I’m not with women, these are men. There’s no way I’m gonna have to be a therapist. There’s no way. And I’m gonna tell you what. Each one, I ended up finding out all about their lives, and how they were back and forth with their marriage, and how they were afraid of therapy. And it’s like, oh my God, I wish I could record this because we all have something we all have. All right, we all have it. And I just feel like if, you know, and this is one of the reasons why I established this community, if one of us, if any of us can go ahead and own it and admit, look, I don’t have my shit together. I don’t. Matter of fact, you know, I was debating like I said, earlier, I was debating on whether to take a shower or just get dressed because I didn’t know how much time I had. And, you know, Brooklyn couldn’t find her pants. And Aaliyah asked me for the fifth time, how does this eighth outfit look? You know, so all of these things were happening and this is my truth. And that’s okay. And I’ve noticed, I’ve noticed when I’m in a setting, a social setting like that, and I say that I’m a therapist, that’s when it gets real. And that’s when women will say, and own, and admit, listen, this is where I’m at, because they know I could help. However, what if, what if we were able to go ahead and just say, hey, you know what, I need help. And you know, do you ever encounter this? I can almost guarantee you that you will find another woman, another mom that says, “You know what? I’m there too. And I have those same questions. And I’m stuck too, and just the fact that you shared this with me I’m so thankful for because I thought it was going crazy.” Yeah, you know, right.

[CHRISSY]:
And I think there’s another piece too where, like, yes, sometimes we feel like everything is a mess, and we just need validation in that. And I think also, sometimes, just conveying, like, no, I don’t have my shit together but I’m actually fine with it. Like, I love and accept and embrace myself and the imperfections that show up in my life and I’m figuring out how to navigate that and we can share our stuff from a place of strength too. I think there’s like a deep self-love and acceptance that we can also communicate and sharing, like, sharing and being vulnerable doesn’t have to be like, oh, poor me, me and my husband got in a fight again or, oh my gosh, I’m so overwhelmed in my life and everything sucks and everything’s hard. Like, it doesn’t have to be like that. It can be like, haha, you know, like you said like, oh, yeah, I didn’t know if I’d have time to take a shower and my kids could have their stuff and my daughter came in for the eighth time, but guess what, hashtag mom life. This is like I’m having it. I’m like, still like, I keep on keeping on through the stuff. And that’s beautiful and it’s empowering and it’s unapologetic. Like, we can be vulnerable and strong at the same time, and build and foster connections with other women too I guess, like reinforce that we’re allowed to accept ourselves where we’re at and kind of show other women like, hey, you don’t have to be perfect. For me. We can be imperfect and strong at the same time. Vulnerability doesn’t have to turn into a pity party. It can, sometimes we need that, but sometimes I just need the like, yeah, everything’s crazy. And we’re going with it. It’s fine. We’re gonna figure this out.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. How do we get there? So how do moms get there? How did you get there to a point where you were able to give yourself permission to be you, unapologetically?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah, I think so honestly, I think a big shift came after I had kids. So, when I had Maddie, I got postpartum depression and anxiety. And, I’d already been a therapist for like five years at this point. And so, I felt like the fact that I was a therapist and got depression meant that I was a failure because I should have had all the skills and tools to combat this. And like I’m a therapist, I shouldn’t be allowed to get depression and anxiety. And so, I really like and I remember even going into my doctor and I finally admitted it, and I cried, and she gave me a prescription for medication and I cried as I filled the prescription and then I went home and I never took it. And so, it just sat there on my bathroom counter as like, a reminder that if you have to take this, then you have failed. And then, you know, I like, which I’m sure was part of just like the depression fog that I was in and the negative self-talk, but I powered through and everything was fine and whatever. And then fast forward. I think there was just a lot of growth that happened over those two years and talking to other women. But before I had Paisley, I kind of said like this is bullshit. Like my brain chemicals fire differently after I have a baby, depression and anxiety run in my family, this does not mean that I’m a failure. And so, I just, I owned it so much differently the next time around. I got in therapy before I even had a baby and I told my doctor like, I got depression last time, I didn’t take the medication, give me a prescription now, I’ll take it when I need to, I promise. And so, let’s just do this. And like, I started taking meds five days after Paisley was born, and the first time that I took Zoloft when the next day I woke up and I was like, oh my gosh, I’m back. Like Chrissy I have missed you. Just having that experience, it was like no, this is okay, this is strong. And this is strong and this is vulnerable, and this is worth it to get back to who you are and who you are meant to be. That was the paradigm shift for me. That like allowing myself and it was such a personal journey at that point, but just allowing myself permission to not have it all together, to need help, to really fearlessly embrace my imperfections and that I am who I am and to love myself in my struggle. Then I felt like it was so much easier to, like I said before, to open up and be vulnerable and raw with people, but from a place of power. And just like, yeah, I don’t have my shit together, and you know what? I deeply love myself and that and I have learned how to give myself grace and compassion. And I can give you grace and compassion. I see you and I’m here for you because I had to see myself and show up for myself first. And then once I did that, the other amazing thing was that like, once I could see myself, raw and vulnerable but empowered and strong, then I really didn’t care at all if somebody else couldn’t see me that way. Like, I remember one time, like I was at a playdate, and we were talking with friends and it was like this real beautiful, raw moment where we were just talking about our postpartum struggles. And we even talked about medication. And I think, going back to this moment, I really don’t think that she meant to be hurtful, but there was a woman there that said, “I just don’t understand why people even need to take medication, like you just need to pray more and read your scriptures, and look on the bright side. Like, I don’t get it.” But that you know, years before, I would have taken that as like, “Oh my gosh, you’re right. I do suck.” But when she said that, I was just like, false, moving on. Like, I don’t get it, but whatever. And like, but that comes from me loving myself and embracing myself. And it’s like, oh, I love me, I embraced me. If you don’t love me and embrace me and my imperfections, okay bye, instead of being like oh my gosh, you’re right, maybe I do suck.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah, and then owning it and then taking it from there and holding on to it for a good amount of time, which I think a lot of us do. You know, I think, especially when we come become moms, it’s like welcome to the world of comparison. Welcome to the world of comparison. And I think, when you’re able to go ahead and identify, which it sounds like you did, it sounds like you explored, okay what the hell’s wrong with me what’s going on? I’m not Chrissy, I’m not myself, explored that you were able to identify through you know, you know, what was going on physiologically, what was going on emotionally, you reached out for help. And okay, sure you didn’t take the medication, however, I think, I think for you, it sounds like you needed to go through all the steps, and all the steps you were able to find some form of meaning and acceptance in because, okay, I accept that this is what it looks like. And yes, it sucks, and yes, it’s painful, and yes, I’m a therapist, and yes, you know, maybe other people think that I should have all of these coping skills, however I don’t. And I know I need help, and I’m going to reach out for it because deep down inside, I believe I’m worth it. And yes, I probably lost myself through this process. However, I know I’m capable of finding out who I am and becoming so much stronger by doing so. Right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yes, totally. And I think just giving yourself grace that this is a journey. It’s not like oh my gosh, I listened to a podcast and I was so inspired and like, boom, now I’m going to be vulnerable and I’m going to love myself. Done. Like, it’s not like a one and done thing like I think, no. Like you said, you know, my journey with like, I admitted to my doctor, I got a prescription, I filled it and then I never took it, like that was still a step. Those were stepping stones in my journey and we just, we keep trying and we keep chipping away at it like we are going to, quote unquote relapse back into doing too much or struggling with holding ourselves to too high of a standard or trying to be perfectionist. Like, we’re still gonna wrestle with things. The objective is to like, recognize when we’ve gotten out of balance and rebalance ourselves or like, oh, I’m trying to do too much, or oh, I need to ask for help more. Okay, back to this thing again, of figuring out how to be empowered and unapologetic in my life. It’s not just an oh, I don’t know. It’s not like a task that we learn and then we know it. We have to practice that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely, absolutely. Because we’ve had all of these years, I’ll say, 21 for us. We’ve had 21 years of living this way. We have to recondition ourselves to do something different. And that requires us to lean into fear, that requires us to ride that wave of discomfort and get comfortable with the uncomfortable and that discomfort is usually emotions. So, tell me, how do you help women get out of their own way?

[CHRISSY]:
I think really, my biggest thing is just self-awareness, kind of taking away the shame and the stigma of like, oh, I don’t want to get my own way. And it’s like, bullshit, you get in your own way. So that’s fine, let’s just examine how. And so yeah, once we can just accept and embrace it like, well, duh, you get in your own way, we all do. And you’re gonna keep getting in your own way, we all do. So, let’s just figure out what the blocks are. And then, obviously, I’m biased because I am a therapist too, but like, I really think that therapy and listening to podcasts like this and reading books like, you have to be in a constant mode of willingness for self-discovery, to be slowly chipping away at those blocks, but you can’t chip away at the blocks unless you really make peace with the fact that you have blocks. And like, “Where did that come from?” You know, and sometimes it’s like, these really small moments like, I had this epiphany a couple years ago where, like, I have three older brothers. So, I’m the first girl after three boys and my parents were so wonderful. Like, my dad still tells me that I’m a perfect angel. Right? And so like, I grew up in such a warm and loving home, but I also saw like, this was not my parents’ fault, this was just how I internalized it. I think I heard the message. You’re perfect, I love you. You’re perfect, I love you so much that in my mind morphed into, I love you because you’re perfect. Which is not at all what my parents were ever saying. But like, when I go back to that moment, when like, seriously the only time I can remember where I got in trouble by my dad, and like, I deserved it. I was chasing my brother around the house, trying to punch him like, but what I realized, like, oh, I got in trouble from dad. That’s a problem. And like, I didn’t even get in that much trouble, right? He was like Chrissy stop, you know, like, yeah, it’s a totally normal kid thing. It’s a totally normal parent reaction. Like, oh, wait, that switched something for me that said, like, “Oh shoot, I need to be perfect. Like, I gotta, I can’t ever let that happen again.” And so just going back and having the clarity to realize like, oh, that’s such a small, relatively insignificant thing that did block me. And so now, as a 32-year-old woman, I can go back to my five-year-old self and say, Chrissy, you were being a normal kid and your dad was being a normal parent, like your parents have never needed you to be perfect. And, you know, nobody needs you to be perfect, you know, and so like, going back to some of those moments, and just being able to kind of work through that. But I think therapy is really helpful in that part of the process.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, God, I agree. I agree in so many ways. And I’ll say this to, you know, my clients, I’ll say in so many ways you’ve recreated your childhood because we all have one way or another. Right? We’ve recreated our childhood because that’s something that’s so familiar, that’s something you know, even though it’s not healthy, it doesn’t matter. It’s something that’s familiar it’s something where I feel safe because yeah, this is dysfunctional however, they know me, I live here, like they know me, we’re cool, we’re friends. Yeah, you know, where we go into this healthy environment. It’s like oh, shit, I don’t know anybody. This is uncharted territory. I don’t trust you know, I don’t trust this person that’s smiling at me and says that they you know, that they want to go out and share, share this moment and connect. I prefer this person that’s telling me straight up, you know that I’m gonna lie and manipulate you in so many ways, and we’re gonna be friends. You know, this one, I know what to do. So yes, being able to go ahead and break those patterns. However, first, you have to recognize that those patterns even exist, right?

[CHRISSY]:
Yes, exactly.

[VERONICA]:
So, a question I often ask all my guests is, what are you doing right now to live the life you want to live?

[CHRISSY]:
I am in a constant quest for balance. Right now. I have young kids, and I have two businesses, and my husband works full time. And so, there’s so much that I want to do but when I get out of balance, then I’m not present and joyfully living the life that I love. And so, for me balance comes from saying “no” way more often. And just saying like, nope, this isn’t worth it. Because, if I have balance, then I enjoy my life in the present moment. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Yeah, so like balance is, balance has kind of been my quest. I’d say, like the last 18 months, like, I’ve got to find balance, I’ve got to keep balance. Mm hmm.

[VERONICA]:
Yes. And I think one great thing to point out is, balance is different for all of us. Like, for me, I find balance in the midst of chaos, you know what I mean? Because that’s just, that’s just where it’s at right now. And being able to go ahead and realize, like, that it’s okay, that my balance looks different from somebody else’s. It just means, you know, that I am, you know, I love how you said, being present and being able when you’re with your kids or with your kids, when you’re with your husband or with your husband, and really being able to suck all of that in and enjoy it. I love that. If you could give advice to one mom, let’s say that mom that is feeling so stressed, so disconnected. If you could just talk to her right now, what advice would you give her?

[CHRISSY]:
I would say give yourself grace and go to bed. Like go to bed. Go to bed, go to bed. You can finish that fight with your husband in the morning, the dishes can wait, you can get your life back into balance so that you can have more me time during the day. But I think, if there’s one piece of advice I would give to that stressed, overwhelmed mom, I’d say, “Sweetheart, just go to bed.”

[VERONICA]:
Love that. Girl go to bed. Go to bed. Don’t make the bed. Go to bed.

[CHRISSY]:
Exactly. Just start there.

[VERONICA]:
Okay, so Chrissy?

[CHRISSY]:
Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
I understand that you wanted to go ahead and give all of our moms a free giveaway. What is it?

[CHRISSY]:
Yes, I want to give all of the moms that 50% off of my adult sleep course. So, it’s usually $50, you’ll get it for just $25 and it’s, it’s not just like, oh, put lavender oil on your feet before you go to bed. It’s like, if you’re not sleeping well, this is how you actually, like, this is scientifically researched, tried and true, this is how you get your sleep back on track. So, I will let’s use code “empowered50”. Go to my website, thepeacefulsleeper.com, under the “Courses” tab, you’ll find the “Adult Insomnia Course”, I can give you a direct link for your show notes, Veronica.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, that’d be great.

[CHRISSY]:
But yeah, “empowered50” and you can get 50% off your adult sleep course.

[VERONICA]:
Yes. And ladies, you could share that with your husband and educate him because you know he’s not going to
sleep. Right?

[CHRISSY]:
Uh huh.

[VERONICA]:
Where can we find you?

[CHRISSY]:
The best way to find me is on Instagram so @the.peaceful.sleeper or my website, like I said, thepeacefulsleeper.com.

[VERONICA]:
Love it. Oh my gosh, Chrissy, thank you so very much for being on here. You have taught us so much and I, just in case you guys didn’t get this, but Chrissy and I are friends, like, I absolutely love and adore her, and we learned so much from each other.

[CHRISSY]:
Oh, I love you too. Thank you again.

[VERONICA]:
Thank you.

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Many women lose their own identity in the shadow of being a mom and a wife. We are a community of women who support each other. We leave perfectionism behind to become empowered and unapologetic. I know you’re ready for the next steps. If you want to become empowered and unapologetic, get my free course, “Unapologetically Me,” over at empoweredandunapologetic.com/course.

This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests, are providing legal, mental health, or other professional information. If you need a professional you should find one.