[VERONICA]:
Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts that changed the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play.

Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women just like you how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.

Hello, hello. Welcome back to the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast. I’m your host, Veronica Cisneros. I can’t wait to share with you today’s episode, because it is so good, like, next level good. It’s something that’s super special to me. And if I can be quite frankly honest, I am so blessed to be able to share this. Here’s why. This is a behind the scenes recording of a coaching call from my VIP membership group. This VIP group is a private membership that is focused on setting goals, accountability, transformation, and one on one coaching with me. Every Thursday we jump on a live Zoom call and discuss current issues. I teach easy to use, step by step strategies to help women change their insecurities, gain confidence, and really, truly connect. These women are on a mission to learn how to put themselves first, gain personal freedom and connection with their husbands, without the mom guilt. Well, if you’ve ever wanted validation or proof that you are normal, here’s your chance. You get to hear women share their struggles and listen to their peers provide them with supportive feedback. You will hear me challenge them and lovingly call them out to help them get outside of their comfort zones. This group is not about judging or criticizing each other. These women have formed a strong, unbreakable sisterhood. Oh, and by the way, we just had our first baby. Congratulations, Leslie.

[VERONICA]:
Hey, guys. So I first wanted to start off with welcoming our new member, Jessica. Hey, Jessica.

[JESSICA]:
Hi, how’re you doing? I’m happy to be here.

[VERONICA]:
Hey. So what we usually do is we’ll go ahead and start the call off with our wins. And our wins are usually anything that we’ve done that we’re really proud of, any goals that we’ve achieved, anything that we’ve basically accomplished throughout the week. Every week we have homework, and homework is challenging at times. However, it’s extremely beneficial because it gets us to this next step. So who wants to start us off with your wins? All right, don’t all jump at once.

[LOUISE]:
I did… Okay, I’ll go. I have a win because I wrote mine down. So I didn’t post yet but I have a great win. It was about the one person that was bugging me and I did the ‘who do they remind me of?’ and ‘where was I in my life’, and I did it and it worked perfectly. This week he’s not bugged me once. And he’s emailed me a couple of times on things and it’s been perfect. I’ve been able to handle him. I get it. So, good win. The guy’s not pissing me off anymore.

[UNKNOWN]:
Yay, that’s great.

[VERONICA]:
That is amazing. That is so amazing. He was triggering you in so many ways.

[LOUISE]:
He was.

[VERONICA]:
And in addition to that, you were personalizing it, right?

[LOUISE]:
Yeah, I was, and it was super easy now. And so by doing that extra exercise, like, who do you remind me of? Yeah, another jerk I used to work with, and you know, where was I? I was nowhere in my career the way I was, and it just helped me go oh, stand up. I got this. Nothing bothered me all week so far. I mean, it’s only been three days, but he’s got two more days with us, and nothing’s bothering me. It was fun working with him. Bye.

[VERONICA]:
Awesome. All right.

[LOUISE]:
That’s a good one. That felt really good. That was a good exercise. Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
Thank you. All right. Who do you want to pass it to?

[LOUISE]:
Um, I will pass it to Alex. She has to have a good one. You have wins every week.

[ALEX]:
I do. I have, um, an organization win. I’ve been trying to make this house into my home. So while I usually say, I’ll do it later, I’ll do it later. Or, you know, my parents are over, I’ll do that later. While they were here, I have all my pictures that I had printed, I put them all in the frames, and I made my wall. So now I got all my photo album pictures on the wall. So I [unclear] wall.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, hell yeah. That’s a great win. That can be tough because we get so easily distracted. And like you said, we’ll do it later, we’ll do it later, which later never comes.

[ALEX]:
I always put something in front of it. It’s always like, oh, I gotta get this work done. Oh, I gotta go do this, that and the other thing, and this time I just was like, nope, gonna do it now.

[VERONICA]:
Awesome. Good for you. Who do you want to pass it to?

[ALEX]:
I will pass it to Leslie.

[VERONICA]:
[Unclear].

[LESLIE]:
Hello.

[VERONICA]:
Hey.

[LESLIE]:
So my win for the week. Ever since last week, when my husband and I opened up more and it’s been really good. And our communication has gone from like, yeah, this is really good to like, wow, we’re at a whole new level of honesty. So that’s why I was able to like, call him and cry and be stressed out and then have this conversation and be like, oh, everything’s gonna be fine, and totally come out the other side of it. So communication has just gone up and up and up since last week.

[VERONICA]:
Hell, yeah. Leslie, what is this like… so I gotta ask you this real quick – what is this like now, knowing you don’t have to fix him and run to his aid?

[LESLIE]:
I feel like I’m his best friend. I feel like…

[VERONICA]:
Oh, yeah, good.

[LESLIE]:
I feel so, yeah, it feels so good. I don’t feel like I’m his counselor, or his mom, or his coach, or his lawyer. I’m his best friend. I’m his wife. It’s very cool.

[UNKNOWN]:
Great.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah. Hell, yeah. All right, who do you want to pass it to?

[LESLIE]:
Oh, Karen.

[KAREN]:
Okay, mine is not that life-shattering, or earth-shattering. But, um, as you guys encouraged me to move forward with the whole house cleaner thing, and I woke up this morning, I was so tempted to clean everything, a little bit at least, before they came. But I didn’t – I just let it go. I just looked the other way and ignored it. And it was so nice to sit at my desk this afternoon and hear the vacuum cleaner going and knowing that all this stuff was getting done.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah.

[KAREN]:
And then realizing later that it took three people working four hours to clean the house. Granted, it was their first time here so they did the deep, thorough cleaning. But that would have taken me at least twelve hours to do my own.

[UNKNOWN]:
Wow.

[KAREN]:
And I value my time so much more than to invest twelve hours. Like, yeah, it needs done, but do a little bit here and there and then by the time you get back to, you know, by the time you do the last thing the first thing needs to be done again. It’s never ending, the cycle.

So I just turned my head the other way. I did look at the toothpaste in the sink and like, that’s what they’re coming for.

[UNKNOWN]:
Awesome.

[UNKNOWN]:
That’s what they’re coming for.

[KAREN]:
For me, that is a huge win. Usually I would be so much more self aware of what they’re going to think and like, oh, they must think I’m a horrible person, there’s toothpaste in the sink.

[UNKNOWN]:
That’s why they’re there.

[UNKNOWN]:
[Unclear], Karen.

[KAREN]:
Yeah.

[UNKNOWN]:
That’s a huge win. That’s a lot of money you saved for yourself.

[KAREN]:
My house looks great.

[VERONICA]:
And doesn’t that feel good? Like, you could just walk into a room and it’s like, it smells good. Like, it’s [unclear]. They are amazing.

[KAREN]:
Yeah. And I feel like because we paid a lot of money for it, I’ve already noticed, like, today, while we’re here, making sure our shoes come off at the door, and every dish is getting rinsed and put in the dishwasher right away. It’s not stacking up in the sink. So it’s a whole new appreciation when you don’t do it yourself, you kind of just count the work that goes into it. And other people in the house can do that as well.

[UNKNOWN]:
Nice.

[KAREN]:
So it was good.

[LOUISE]:
And you gave people some gainful employment, and that’s super nice, which they need.

[KAREN]:
Yeah, absolutely.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, that’s amazing, Karen. Good job. All right.

[KAREN]:
Hey, Jessica.

[VERONICA]:
Jessica. So I know you just started, however, there’s already a big win. Even though this is your first group coaching call, you’re here.

[JESSICA]:
Yeah. Thank you. I was actually going to list that as my win.

[UNKNOWN]:
Good win, showing up.

[JESSICA]:
Yeah, carving out time and making sure that this happens and making this a priority because I’m a single mom with a toddler and getting help is really hard. So this is a big win for me.

[UNKNOWN]:
I can relate.

[UNKNOWN]:
I can relate. Not as a single mom, but it’s a lot to [unclear].

[JESSICA]:
Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
Well, welcome to the group.

[JESSICA]:
Thanks.

[VERONICA]:
So, I’m gonna go ahead and jump on Jessica. You have bravely opted to go ahead and start us off with…

[JESSICA]:
Yes.

[VERONICA]:
What would you like to discuss today?

[JESSICA]:
Um, I guess sort of where I left off with you when we met in Palm Springs. So I just started dating again. I came out of a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I took a break for a year and a half. So there’s someone that I am dating seriously now who I’m pretty excited about, and we spent a weekend together in San Diego, and it was wonderful. But I’m noticing that now that I’m, like, becoming emotionally invested with this person, now all of the things are coming up that you can’t anticipate from reading a book, or journaling, or doing therapy. All these very weird fears, and vulnerabilities, and things that I didn’t have before. And I’m actually realizing that I’m terrified. I’m terrified to be emotionally connected to someone and that’s new for me. I’ve always been a very emotionally secure and open person, until my previous relationship.

[VERONICA]:
You know, it’s interesting, because when we start on new relationships like you had perfectly described, we’re so excited, right? We’re so excited and there’s this heightened level of attraction. And there’s all these emotions that come up, and then, let’s admit it, we’re yearning for that connection and that just feeling of intimacy, and love. However, once we do start getting into the relationship, and once we do start sharing and becoming vulnerable, little by little, that’s when our guard comes up. And you mentioned having a past relationship where it didn’t quite necessarily go so well. You mentioned even being an abusive relationship. And so fears might come up for you, insecurities might come up for you. More importantly, can I trust myself? Can I trust myself not only to protect me, however, know the signs of when to leave?

[JESSICA]:
Exactly.

[VERONICA]:
So even as I say that, what comes up for you?

[JESSICA]:
Yeah, it’s not even the other person. It’s that I am disappointed at how much trust I’ve lost in myself. My confidence is really shaken. That’s where the fear is coming from, is like, well, I didn’t. I didn’t notice the signs the first time. Will I notice it now? And more importantly, like, how do I trust that I’m making better decisions? When on the surface, you know, when you first start dating someone, it always seems hunky-dory. So yeah, it’s kind of devastating.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely.

[VERONICA]:
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[VERONICA]:
So what is one thing you lost besides trust because I could kind of hear it in your voice right now?

[JESSICA]:
Yeah, a lot of joy, a lot of self-esteem and confidence. And I lost my voice.

[VERONICA]:
Ah, yes. I am so glad you said that. I am so glad you said that. That happens a lot. And to take it even further, we lose ourselves. We lose ourselves in it because we’ve done everything to go ahead and create this beautiful, wonderful, perfect life and then when that doesn’t work out, there’s so many feelings of failure, there’s so many feelings of okay, wait a minute, maybe I wasn’t deserving, maybe I wasn’t even deserving of having a voice. And on so many levels, with us trying to go ahead and create, nurture this type of environment for other people, we forget. We forget the most important thing – me. Right? Can anybody in this group relate? And if so, how?

[LOUISE]:
I can relate to the fear part, of when you’re getting in the relationship and you are very excited about – just like you said – the emotion of the upswing, and then all of a sudden, the down. The like, oh, shoot, reality just hit. This person isn’t as one hundred percent perfect. So I’ve been that. But also in my own, like, I got too wrapped up in this person, maybe too fast. And so, am I supposed to pull back because the PTSD I have from before? So am I gonna relive it? And so I can totally relate. I had it happen even just like, with my husband, who I was definitely at that point where I’m like, I’m never gonna get married because if I don’t get married, I don’t get hurt. But I did invest, I did get scared, I did pull back, we had a pullback for a very good period of time until he kept working on the trust factor with me, he recognized it and he did it. So thankfully, I was lucky. I think sometimes, the person he was recognized I needed more trust and just gave me, and made the time, and built up trust with me. Then I got solid ground, felt better, did more and more and more. And it just mushroomed and became such a great thing. So yeah, I was there. I can totally relate. You just crawl back and go oof. And this is not me. I’m a stronger person than that. I’m not like this. Why is this person having this effect on me when I don’t want it to be? That’s how it happened for me.

[VERONICA]:
Mm hmm. Anybody else?

[LESLIE]:
Absolutely. I went through the same thing. I was in not a good marriage and it took me years to even be okay with the idea of getting married again. And my spouse that I’m with now, when we were first dating, the poor guy had to chase me pretty hard because I was like, no, no, no. Like, I don’t want to be tied emotionally to anybody, like, no, I don’t want to get hurt again. No, thank you, goodbye. And he finally was like, can you just break it down to me and be really honest with me about why I can’t get you to say ‘yes’ to just even going on a date with me? And I was very honest with him and told him what had happened, how I felt. It was a very verbally abusive relationship. There was an affair, and there was a lot of things that broke my trust and belief in marriage, completely. And so I was just very honest with him and I think he knew that, like, he saw that this is something he wanted. And he realized, like, I’m gonna have to build trust with her.

And so from then on out, he was very honest about everything, and wanted to be on the same page with me about everything, wanting me to feel comfortable about everything. So I do feel like if you feel like this person is worth having that honest conversation with, I say go for it. Because I think if he feels as invested as you do, or as interested as you are, he’s gonna want to be on the same level as you, he’s gonna want you to have that trust in him. He’s gonna want that like my husband did. My husband was like, well, I want you so I’m going to do what I need to do to get you to trust me, and so we can be on that level. So absolutely, I totally… and it took me a while. It took me um, no lie. It took me a while. He… poor guy, he really had to work a little hard, probably too hard, but he did it, and I have a really good marriage, and I really trust it. I think that’s the key too, is he let me take the time to trust him on my own.

[VERONICA]:
I’m gonna challenge that a little bit, Leslie. He let you, or you let you?

[LESLIE]:
Oh, I let me. You’re right.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo.

[LESLIE]:
But I think what I’m trying to say is he gave me that space. And I think a lot of times, partners want to force that space, and they want to force the relationship to feel like it’s already there, and he definitely didn’t do that. I guess that’s what I was trying to say with that, is that he was like, he recognized that I needed that space.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah. And another thing that plays into that, or ties into that, is you being able to realize I need this space and creating it. And so what you were essentially doing – the same with you, Louise – is you were both setting a boundary, and you both respected that boundary. So because you both respected that boundary, this is what allows them to either respond with patience, or react, right, react with some form of anger or some form of resentment and trying to blame you.

[LESLIE]:
True.

[VERONICA]:
So once you set that boundary, it’s up to them on where they go. You’re gonna respect it regardless, hence the whole reason why there’s this level of investment because now you’re attracting something completely different.

[JESSICA]:
Right.

[LESLIE]:
True.

[VERONICA]:
So with this, Jessica, what is essentially the goal? What’s your goal with regards to this relationship?

[JESSICA]:
I think to love the way that I used to love. To feel safe in my relationship, and respected, and cared for. Because I feel like when that’s the foundation, you can grow as a couple, individually and together and whether or not it’s forever, it’s still a positive experience.

[VERONICA]:
Mm hmm.

[JESSICA]:
And it’s interesting listening to… was it Leslie?

[VERONICA]:
Mm hmm.

[JESSICA]:
I feel like this man has already made a tremendous effort and done a lot of things to make me feel emotionally safe and I do feel like I can trust him and honor that. It’s really mostly me that I’m wanting to trust again. And so I guess that’s my goal.

[VERONICA]:
I hear you when you say that. I remember with my husband, the beginning years were really difficult because I had witnessed my mother and father and the dynamics of their relationship. It was constant arguing. My dad, whenever you would get upset, he would just leave. And then my mom would take on the other role of trying to make things better. And I decided at a young age, well, I have to… I thought I had to pick a role. You’re either mom or your dad., and those are really your only options. Because that’s all that was modeled for me and so I decided to pick my dad, minus the infidelity. And so anytime there was an argument, I would constantly leave. What I realized with doing my own work is okay, wait a minute, you were just running away from love. Similar to what you just shared, you know, being able to go ahead and be in this place where you can experience joy again, and feeling as if you might not be deserving of it. Or if that’s just a fantasy, and it’s not necessarily reality.

[JESSICA]:
That’s exactly it.

[VERONICA]:
So we get so caught up in that, that there’s no possible way that we will ever experience that, that that’s just a fairy tale. That’s just a lie. And so we do everything we can to protect ourselves. However, as we’re attempting to protect ourselves, we also push people away. Not on purpose, by no means is it on purpose. We tend to go ahead and push these people away and we do this not only with relationships with our partners, we also do this with our friends, we also do this with our family. And what we’re essentially communicating is, I can’t let you in because I’m not prepared to feel or experience pain. I’m not prepared. I don’t even know how to cope. So for right now I’m gonna put your ass back on a shelf. And if you’re there when I call you, awesome, and if you’re not, it was fun, right? Right?

[JESSICA]:
Mm hmm.

[VERONICA]:
Where’s everybody at with this? What’s coming up for you guys?

[UNKNOWN]:
It’s always that fear. That fear of it happening again?

[UNKNOWN]:
I have the same problem, too. And I guess it’s scary. You’re confident, but at the same time, you don’t know what the other person is going to think of you? And yeah, definitely. It’s scary.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. Karen?

[LOUISE]:
Especially when it’s someone you care about, you like, you don’t want to put that boundary with fear that they won’t react the right way. So you freeze a little. But once you do, you know that’s… if it’s going to happen to the right person, it’s going to be them. And that boundary, like you said, it’s the healthy boundary and if they react nice, well, then great. That turned out to be the right person. But it could be not. And then it’s very scary not to know because you like them so much. Dang it. Dang I don’t like how they make ’em so cute.

[VERONICA]:
Karen?

[KAREN]:
Yeah, I was gonna say, after I was divorced, many years ago, I had a tagline – no disappointment… or yeah – no expectations, no disappointments. And that was like my mantra. So if I was dating somebody or I met someone for the first time, I expected nothing and I was never disappointed. And that was my defense mode. And then finally, I met somebody where I still had that like, no expectations, no disappointment, but kept showing up. And I did start to expect things and then the more you know, it took some time, but it was just one situation after the other where he would show up, like, I… wow, you really showed up, I wasn’t expecting that, and then I was happy about that. So it happened, but it took a long time to chip away at that. And then all of a sudden, I started feeling again. I was so shut down where I’m just not gonna feel anything. I am just a block of ice, no one’s getting in, nothing’s coming out and just going through the motions in life. And then as that chipped away, it was just so liberating to finally just like, be on the other side of that, oh, this was worth waiting for. So it wasn’t with everyone and anyone, it just happened to be the right person. And like everyone else said, he just hung around and did the work, put in the time.

[VERONICA]:
So let me also ask you something – where does compromise come in? And I want you to think about this. Because oftentimes, when we get excited about the relationship, we tend to go ahead and compromise ourselves for something similar that Louise just commented on, you know, he’s so damn cute. We don’t want to lose the relationship, and damn, he looks hot in those jeans, or dang he really took off his shirt, wow, whatever, right? All of that happens. I mean, let’s just be honest, that happens with all of us. And he said the right thing, or damn, the way he kisses. And it’s all of those things, and it’s okay, fine, whatever you want, here, take it, take it. And, right? I mean, let’s just be honest, it happens. Maybe it happened to me. I don’t remember. Allegedly.

These things happen. And so when they happen, it strikes us, and then we go back into the protective mode, and then we go back to the submissive mode. We’re playing ping pong with these extremes because we don’t trust the middle. And so it sounds like, ultimately, what we’re looking for is for what you just requested, Jessica, you asked for joy. And so instead of becoming dependent on somebody else to get that joy, how do you find it first? Because even if somebody… let’s say we fall in love, right? And we think this guy is everything that they said they were, and then somewhere down the line we find out that he’s not. We’re under the impression that that will ruin us, that that will take us down, that that will kill us. When in reality, you still have power, you still have so much power over your life. And yes, don’t get me wrong, we’re gonna have to mourn that loss. Because it is a loss. It’s a substantial loss. However, you don’t ever lose you. You have the ability to come back from it. You have the ability to learn and grow and even gain some form of acceptance. However, the key is, the key to any of this is finding it within, finding that joy within.

So what do I need to work on right now? And this is where goals come in. What do I need to work on right now to go ahead and get me to that happy place without being dependent or expecting it from anybody else? So what would that be for you, Jessica?

[JESSICA]:
I gotta think about that one.

[VERONICA]:
Okay. All right. So, ladies, we’re going to help her. And I’m not saying so you can cheat, Jessica, because I want you to find out what…

[JESSICA]:
I know.

[VERONICA]:
But just kind of give you an idea of like, what would that mean? So what would that look like for you guys? So I’m going to give it to the group. What would you need to do? What is just one thing you would need to do to find your joy? Some of you guys are farther along than others. So I want you to identify one thing you would need to do for yourself, so that you are happy, and you have that inner peace.

[ALEX]:
I went back to my roots. I went on vacation, and I saw these kids that were just dancing in the middle of the dance floor and they had no care whatsoever. And I was like, I’m gonna bring myself back to that. There’s gonna be no embarrassment, I’m going to do whatever I want to do and nothing that anybody says is going to stop me from doing it. I’m going to start living my vacation life. And the very next day they had mariachis out there and I said, you know, I’m gonna get out there and dance on the pool. They had a, like, an acrylic dance floor. So me and my husband went up there and…

[VERONICA]:
Hold on. Where are we going? What pool are we on?

[ALEX]:
It was in Nuevo Vallarta when I went. I posted the dance video on the group of me dancing out there. And then I came home, yeah, I came home, you know, I live in a beach city and I said, you know what, screw this. I’m gonna go have fun in my city. And the next day I went kayaking, which I hate the ocean. But I did it. I just said, screw it. I’m not going to keep myself limited by my own, oh my god, oh my god, this. I always talk myself out of stuff because I’m afraid. So I’m like, no, I’m not gonna let myself sabotage myself and there’s always a fear that something’s gonna happen. I’m just gonna go and do it. And that’s it. That was for me.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo. So you said ‘yes’.

[ALEX]:
I did.

[VERONICA]:
There you go. Okay, who else would like to share?

[LOUISE]:
So I found that, similar to Alex, the getting back to the roots, but what made me happy and do it – unapologetically. I do want to spend this time and loaf on the couch and watch some show. For this moment it was great. The pampering on Thursdays, the feeling like that’s what are the things that did bring me joy and shed the, like, who cares what anyone thinks about that? And do those things that bring you joy, the stuff that is the, like, I love to do art, I love to do dancing, I love the beach. I would add those things to my day, make time for me during the week to do those things for me and not feel guilty at all. Didn’t matter what else was not happening, what should have been, who else wasn’t getting cared for at the moment. I pampered me, and it felt great. And that helped me I think to kind of get that stable, like, I’m worth it. This is very, very worth it. And not care what anybody said.

[VERONICA]:
Awesome.

[LOUISE]:
That’s joy.

[VERONICA]:
Hell, yeah, that’s joy. Anybody else? And then we’re gonna go back to Jessica. Karen, I’m feeling it. It’s happening, like, it’s right here.

[LOUISE]:
She’s, like…

[ALEX]:
I can see her bubbling up.

[VERONICA]:
I know, right? I can see her getting all giddy.

[KAREN]:
Oh, I was just [unclear] because it’s gonna go back to Jessica. But yeah, I feel like I always use the same analogy or same answer for a lot of questions. But for me, it was running a marathon right after… or right towards the end of my first marriage. And I went into it thinking because it was a goal I always had, didn’t know if I could do it. But when I did do it, and I completed it, it was like, right at that moment, that’s when I knew like, I’m gonna be okay, I can do anything. I just did this, I can do anything. So it’s not always a physical challenge for people. But I feel it’s just that one thing that always keeps nagging you, but you couldn’t do it because of the ten excuses behind it. If you can find out what that thing is and the one that scares you the most is probably the one you really need to do.

[LESLIE]:
I can relate. I can. That’s exactly how you feel.

[KAREN]:
Awesome.

[VERONICA]:
It’s one foot in front of the other, one small foot, taking a chance, over and over and over. We get to be here with you and guide you and support you and high five you, all that. So Jessica, what are you coming up with?

[JESSICA]:
That was actually really helpful and it was interesting listening to everyone because as you’re talking, I’m thinking, oh, well I can actually identify a plethora of things that bring me joy, very easily. Like, dancing for me is what puts me in my, like, transcendent space, especially dancing alone, or laying on the beach, or reading a book, taking a walk, like, a hike. But I think for me, it’s not identifying necessarily the things that bring me joy. It’s something Louise articulated, it’s that doing those things and dropping the guilt.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo.

[JESSICA]:
That’s the trick for me.

[LOUISE]:
It takes practice.

[JESSICA]:
And being able to be present in those things and not feeling like I should be doing this, or I’m not spending time with my son, or grandma’s taking care of him and that’s a burden on her. Once I’m able to get that space for myself and have that space in a way where I’m not experiencing guilt, or worried about other people, then, yeah, I can step into joy. And I feel like for me also, that’s just sort of something that I’m sure you all go through as moms, like, that’s part of the transition, is realizing you don’t have the same type of freedom and what that means for you. Sometimes I experience joy just when I get an hour to sit down and respond to my emails, and feel productive – that brings me joy.

[ALEX]:
My mom had to force me to go do a weekend away and that was the first time I’d been away from my baby. He was two and a half or something and I went to go see Pitbull in Palm Springs. And I was like, no, Mom, I’m just gonna go [unclear] and she was like, nope, I already booked the timeshare for you. Three days. See ya. I’m like, no. I didn’t want to. I just was like, no, what if my whole house burns down and my kids all die, and it’s like, Jesus Christ, that’s not gonna happen, you know? And I enjoyed myself.

[UNKNOWN]:
It’s the distorted thoughts part, right?

[VERONICA]:
Yeah.

[UNKNOWN]:
That we’ve learned not to go there, don’t go to those distorted thoughts. It seems silly. If you’re talking to your best friend and giving them examples of what you would do, would you tell that to your same self? Give yourself the same freedom you would tell your best friend to do too.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo, which leads us to our homework.

[LESLIE]:
Uh oh. The homework. Here we go.

[VERONICA]:
Leslie’s, like, [unclear].

[LESLIE]:
Here we go. Here we go.

[VERONICA]:
The homework is the best part, okay.

[LESLIE]:
It really is. I’m just giving you a hard time.

[UNKNOWN]:
I agree. I agree.

[VERONICA]:
No, I’m gonna be honest, it’s a pain and none of us want to do it because it sucks because it hurts. It makes us feel all these things that we don’t want to feel. Well, here’s the homework. So identifying what really brings us joy. You guys have mentioned dancing. Girl, I absolutely love to dance. Karen, you mentioned running that marathon and knowing that you are capable of actually doing it and accomplishing it. Louise with going out and going on adventures, going on hikes. Leslie with taking chances and opening up and embracing a moment. Same thing with Alex and Clara. You’ve mentioned feeling so restricted with being a mom and not being able to step outside of it. Okay, so we’re all aware that emotion is attached to this, right? And it’s usually surrounding guilt.

Okay, so how can we find joy and experience guilt and still move forward? Still take that step forward? So I want you guys to draw out, like, literally write down what would that process look like? And I want you to think of something you haven’t done. Okay, marathon, check, done, did it. Hike, check, done. Pitbull, concert, done, checked it. Dancing by myself, okay, checked it. What is something new? Because we tend to go… we’re drawn to the familiar. I want something new. And the reason why I want something new, is because this is part of self-discovery. I didn’t know I would love, you know, like, Alex was like, I hate the beach and her ass is over there, kayaking. And Karen [unclear] her marathon. I didn’t know I would love this experience. I didn’t even know I was capable. And you wouldn’t have known that had you not given yourself permission to actually do it, had you not given yourself permission to try something new, and you did.

So, Jessica, this is your homework. And thank you to you, the entire group has it too, is being able to go ahead and identify what will bring me joy – and it has to be something new, so yes, I’m asking you to be creative – and then what are the steps to go out and get to that place? And just a little bonus, because we’re recording and why not? And I want to show off a little bit, I want you to give yourself a timeline. Like, within this year. Yes, I know this year has gone to shit in so many ways.

[LESLIE]:
You mean the year that’s on fire right now?

[VERONICA]:
The year that’s on… yes. Because if there’s going to be any change, if you’re going to be able to endure change, what better time than now?

[UNKNOWN]:
So whatever we do, we have to wear a mask?

[VERONICA]:
Yes. Please. [Unclear].

[UNKNOWN]:
It’s funny.

[VERONICA]:
I want you guys to try something new within reason. Don’t get sick. I don’t want you coming back here going, okay, Veronica, I got pneumonia, I got this. Uh uh, no. No.

[UNKNOWN]:
Got it.

[VERONICA]:
Got it? Boom. You did amazing, Jessica. This was your first coaching call. Boom, you did it.

[UNKNOWN]:
Very cool.

[JESSICA]:
Thank you.

[UNKNOWN]:
Way to go, Jessica.

[VERONICA]:
All right. I’m going to end us here because there’s more good stuff and we’re not going to share it because this is private. And if you want in, well, you gotta figure life out. So, here we go.

[VERONICA]:
What’s up, ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys.

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