[VERONICA]:
Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts that changed the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play.

Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women just like you how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.

I was in grad school when my husband was deployed, and I had a house full of kids. I remember trying to figure out how in the hell am I going to wash these dishes, put the kids to bed, and then write this 20 page paper? And I remember looking at my house and thinking, oh my god, I still have to clean it. There’s no way I’m gonna have time. There’s absolutely no way I’m gonna have time to do all of this and get to that paper. And mind you, I still had to read, I still had to do a little bit more research to go ahead and just get the paper in process, and I remember feeling as if like, oh my god, I’m probably not going to get this done. And the minute I even thought that, I was like, well that’s impossible because you have to. For one, you can’t leave your dishes in the sink overnight, like, that’s a rule that should never be broken by anyone, but especially me. And in addition to that, there’s no way in hell you’re going to go upstairs without vacuuming your carpet, like, hello, what? No, no, no, no, no, no. And so I was trying to think of different ways and different strategies of getting the kids to bed, cleaning up my house, and then somehow having the energy to finish doing my research and writing this paper. Mind you, mind you, I was in grad school, my husband was deployed, and in addition to that, I was in a full time internship, like, it was happening. And my caseload was crazy.

However, I had this idea of what my life should look like, because it needed to look like the lady across the street, it needed to look like my friend’s life, where the minute you go into your house, like, heavens doors open up, and it’s completely pristine clean. Those were my examples and that’s what my house needed to look like. And I had to follow all of the rules, because if I wasn’t following all the rules, then I wasn’t momming right, and I wasn’t being a wife right. And I just put myself in the box and did what I thought I was supposed to do. So I’m having this conversation with one of my friends, Alma, and I’ve been telling her how overwhelmed I am. And she just straight out, flat out, told me, Veronica, girl, you need a housecleaner. And I thought, there is no way. There is no way, because I’m Mexican. I am Mexican – we take a great deal of pride in how we clean our house. And when I heard her say this, I was like, how dare you ask me to ask someone to clean up my own house? Like, that’s ridiculous. What’s wrong with you? And I think I even said that to her, like, what the hell’s wrong with you? And she had expressed to me how it’s changed her life. Alma’s also a working woman. She also has kids. She also has a family. And I just thought like, that’s not gonna happen. That’s not going to happen. And I started to compare myself with everyone else and how clean my house was, and how well I was doing in life.

Then reality kicked me in the ass, and it hit me really hard. Because I thought about what she said, and I thought about why she had recommended that I get a house cleaner. And I didn’t have it all together. I wasn’t better than her or anyone else. Matter of fact, I would cry when I was washing dishes. I would do anything possible to try and stay up. When it came to nighttime routines, I would get through that quick. Read the book as fast as I could, shower, and the entire time I’m yelling, I’m screaming at everyone. And I just want my kids to go to bed. I just want to go ahead and do that next step and that next task. I found myself so tired that during my lunches and breaks, I would run to the car and fall asleep with a window cracked. I was miserable. I was miserable. And I was under the assumption that everything in my life was going well. And so yeah, I had it all together. What a lie. What a lie. And this was a problem because, well, if I hired anybody, if I asked for help, then that would be telling the world that I didn’t have it all together. And in addition to that, I wasn’t as well equipped as I thought I was. I wasn’t Superwoman. I would have to admit that I wasn’t Superwoman. And it’s not that I look to Superwoman as this ideal character or anything, however, none of us want to admit that we don’t have it all together, especially to other women, because of the amount of shade, and the eye rolls, and all of those other things that I was afraid to get.

I realized this was a problem because I didn’t have time for my kids, or my family. I was so tired and I struggled to stay up. I wasn’t present, I had so much on my plate. I didn’t have room for anything, including connecting with my kids. So it would be constant speed rounds, I would go through each room, say goodnight, give kisses, read for like, maybe five minutes. And to be honest, I would do one of those things where I would read the first page and then grab on, like, strategically grab on to the second page, but I would include the third and fourth pages, just hoping and praying my kids wouldn’t catch me. And like, go from the first page to the last page in one quick swoop, and my kids caught me, and then I would get upset, and then I would just do whatever I could to just get out of that room, and go on to my next task. And so it impacted my life significantly because again, I was miserable. I was miserable. And so I decided, what the hell, I’m going to go ahead and hire a house cleaner. And I’d like to say, I hired her, she cleaned the entire house, end of story, my life totally changed for the better. But that’s not necessarily true.

How it started out was the night before, I would literally clean my entire house. And so she would just have to wipe everything down, or maybe do a quick vacuum and like really, hardcore detail the bathrooms, even though I would do a wipe down, or whatever. I would do whatever. I would just get my house prepared for her. Has anybody else done this before or am I the only crazy one? Because I would literally get the house ready for Yolanda, for Yolanda and her crew. And I would go downstairs, do my laundry, get everything ready, like, literally prepare everything. And I realized, okay, wait a minute, I’m doing it again. I’m doing it again. If I’m going to go ahead and ask for help, then I’m going to go ahead and just allow myself to get the help that I need. And I’m not going to clean up my house, and somebody else is going to see my mess. There it is. Somebody else is going to see my mess. Somebody else is going to see that I don’t have it all together. My life is now open to possible judgment and criticism. And I’m thinking about this right now. And it’s like, dude, are you totally like, what is wrong with you? Are you kidding me? You’re asking for help. That’s what she does. She helps. She does this great service in helping other people in getting their life together. And yes, I know I’m making this all big because I mean, she’s cleaning up my house. However, do you have any clue what that gives me? That gives me the gift and the ability to go ahead and spend time with my family. Because now I’m not yelling at the kids to vacuum. Now I’m not yelling at the kids to clean up their rooms. Now I’m not doing all of these things. I’m asking for help and I’m taking a load off of my plate.

And so I finally… it started out with me just leaving the house, you know, because I had to leave while she was here because I was so embarrassed. And then I realized, no, I get to stay, I get to stay in my house. And I get to go ahead and enjoy this. And so me and my kids would then go to the backyard, and I would just get to play with them. So by asking for help, I realized I now have time for other things. And so I started small. I asked for help with picking up the kids from school, I asked for help with doing dinner. I asked for help with just little tiny tasks, you know, I can’t go here, can you go here for me? Or you know what, can you go ahead and pick this up from the grocery store? Or whatever, it was just something little became something so gratifying. And so when I’m asking you, how do you find balance in the midst of chaos? What I’m really saying is, what does your life look like when you don’t have to do everything and you can be content?

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So ladies, mommy’s, here are five steps to help you find balance in the midst of chaos.

Here we go, get a paper and pen; we’re about to get this going.

Well, first off, I realized balance wasn’t what I was striving for. I wanted to feel content. I wanted to know that it was okay, that not everything was okay and perfect. So, I’m going to ask you ladies, look at your life right now. Do a little quick assessment. What are you happy with? What do you need help with? Is it cleaning, school pick up, dinner, breakfast? What is it? One note, I realized balance for me was making my life a little bit more manageable. And so, right now I’m going to ask you, what would make your life a little bit more manageable?

Step two, ask for help. Ask for help. The responsibilities that can be shared, share them. Again, I shared with you, when Yolanda first entered my house, her and her crew, they don’t mess around. From top to bottom, they cover it all – laundry, dishes, bathrooms, you name it, everything is getting done. And if I was going to do this, then my ass needed to go ahead and allow it to happen. And it wasn’t that I was a failure. I think that’s the other part, is realizing, like, just because you’re asking for help, you’re not a failure. You still can have it all together. However you get to define what that means, for you and your family. Your neighbor next door is doing the same thing, and so is your neighbor across the street, and if they’re not then guess what? They’re also feeling overwhelmed. They’re also feeling stressed. And they’re also living this life in fear of other people’s judgement. And if you think about it, if you really think about it, who the hell is judging you and who the hell cares?

I’ll give you an example. I’ll give you a personal example. I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but I’m totally going to go with it. At the gym, anytime I’m at the gym, I’m constantly worrying about what are other people thinking? Do I belong there? Do I not belong there? You know, am I doing this move right? I bet you anything they’re looking at me and they’re talking crap about me. Like, I go there in my head. And I realized they don’t give a shit about me. They’re so focused on their workout, they don’t care what I’m doing. They’re just there for them and we’re all in pain and we all want to get it over with. And so again, other people’s opinions, other people’s judgments, they’re not for me, they’re for them. Stay focused. Do what you need to do for you. Your family will thank you for it.

Step three, check in with yourself. Do I have alone time? What am I doing for myself? Am I spending any part of my day resting? Am I reading? Am I sitting down, relaxing? Damn, wait. When was the last time I bought something for myself? Oh yeah, I haven’t. Because every time I go to the mall, I end up finding something for the girls. I leave the mall without buying anything for myself. Sound familiar? When is the last time you’ve done something just for you? And when was the last time you enjoyed it? I get completely trapped in trying to go ahead and do these things for my kids, do these things for my husband, I’m going to admit it. However, when I’m able to go ahead and connect with myself, and just provide myself with a little bit of downtime, I am so much more connected and invested and appreciative of my family. That those moments, those moments, I appreciate more, because when I’m running around doing everything, I miss it. And I try to blow through it as fast as possible. And I know that I’m not the only one. I know I’m not the only one because I speak to you, ladies. You ladies tell me all the time, I don’t take time for myself. I don’t, and I know I’m guilty of it. So I’m going to challenge you. Step three, take time for yourself.

Now let’s go to Step four. What is my relationship with my partner, my kids, my family, my job? What does it look like? Am I making connections? You know, as humans, we all yearn for connection. And we do this thing where we, although we feel like we’re connecting, we’re so busy on our phones, we’re so busy with these tasks, we miss it. We miss it altogether. Am I present? Am I in the moment? Or am I preparing for the next moment? Ladies, shift your perspective. How can I be present and mindful? Mindfulness is being present on purpose. You’re being in the moment on purpose. So if you’re eating, you’re only eating, if you’re walking, you’re only walking, you’re not multitasking by any means. So I’m gonna encourage you to be present in the moment. As you answer all of these questions, be honest with yourself.

Here we go – step five. This one’s a pretty heavy one. What am I doing right now to live the life I want to live? I’m going to repeat that. What am I doing right now to live the life I want to live? This isn’t the only time I’m going to ask you this question. I ask this question often. I especially ask this question in session. So what am I doing right now to live the life I want to live? I’m gonna tell you what I’m doing. I’m getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. It sucks. It’s painful. And I’m doing it. Why? Because five years from now, five years from now, I want to have accomplished all of my goals, and create new ones. And in addition to that, I want to become so familiar with fear and failure, that those two things will no longer stop me from pursuing the life I want to live. Is that clear? I’m asking you, and encouraging you to do the same thing. However, you have to figure out what that is. What do you really want your life to look like? And how will I be content? How does balance tie in? Well, if you’re attempting to do everything right now perfectly, you are going to be unbalanced. However, if you find that you’re content with certain things, and you could let go of certain tasks, well guess what? That you have now defined as your balance. And I use the term in the midst of chaos because if you have kids, it’s gonna be chaos. If you are married, there’s going to be chaos and that’s okay. That’s okay.

Remember when I said we get comfortable with the uncomfortable? Well, not everything’s gonna go right and not everything’s gonna go as planned. And that is absolutely, again, okay. Einstein said, if you want to be happy, tie your life to a goal, not a person. What is your ultimate goal? Because if it’s to find balance, recognize this might not happen, as some things are heavier than others. Shifting our perception, shifting our perspective, shifting our mindset, again, what does being content look like? And through that, you get to find your happy, you get to define what does happy look like. What does me being happy look like? This is all about finding out who you are and going through that process. Break it down and simplify it, like, really, really take a look at everything and simplify it. Because that’s gonna make your life so much easier.

And ladies, again, be mindful. I think about our kids and how quickly they’re growing. I have a 17 year old. Aliyah is going to be out of the house in August-September timeframe and I don’t want to talk about that. That’s gonna be a whole ‘nother episode because I’m gonna cry and I’m not ready for that. But I just want to tell you, like, our kids grow up so fast and I know you’ve heard other people say this. However, it’s true. Look at your babies. Look at your babies. They’re growing, and they’re living life, and things are happening, and do you want to miss that? Honestly, do you want to miss that? Or do you want to be present for it? I’m going to tell you right now, if you’re looking for perfection, it’s not going to happen. Find out what your balance is. It’s different. It’s different from everyone else’s and that’s absolutely okay. You get to define it.

And lastly, I’m going to leave you with this. What is your intent for today? And I’m going to end every single episode this way. I’m going to ask you what is your intent for today? If you’re working out, it might be, my intent is to finish this workout and then eat healthy the rest of the day. Or, you know, whatever you’re going to do. If you’re driving, if you’re on your way to work right now, what is your intent? What is your intent for today? My intent is going to be to be present at work. My intent might be to be present at home. You know, the best part of my day, the absolute best part of my day is when I’m around my kids, and around my husband, and I allow myself to receive love. And that is my intent for today. That’s my personal intent for today, is when I’m around my kids, I get to go ahead and receive their love. When I’m around my husband, when he comes home today after he gets off work, I am going to be receptive to his love. All right, you guys, enjoy the rest of your day. See you later. Peace.

What’s up, ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys.

Many women lose their own identity in the shadow of being a mom and a wife. We are a community of women who support each other. We leave perfectionism behind to become empowered and unapologetic. I know you’re ready for the next steps. If you want to become empowered and unapologetic, get my free course, Unapologetically Me over at empoweredandunapologetic.com/course.

This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests, are providing legal, mental health, or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.