Listen on Apple. Listen on Spotify. Listen on YouTube.

Let’s just get straight to it: You’re exhausted. You’re doing everything—raising the kids, running the business, holding the emotional weight of your marriage—and still being told you need to “lighten up.” You’re tired of compromising yourself and your dreams just to protect your husband’s ego. You’re wondering, “When the hell is he going to step up?”

If that’s you, you’re not alone. And this episode with Dr. Ray Doktor is one of those conversations that doesn’t just call things out—it calls you in.

Dr. Ray is a clinical psychologist and relationship coach with over 28 years of experience. He’s also not afraid to go there—to name the real reasons intimacy is dying in relationships and what’s really keeping high-achieving women stuck in a cycle of resentment, control, and burnout.

So let’s break it down.

The Hidden Beliefs That Are Sabotaging Your Relationship

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation was when Dr. Ray pointed out that sometimes, we’re trying to get a cat to bark. Meaning: we’re asking our partners to be someone they’re not—and then resenting them for not changing.

Here are a few of the beliefs he said are quietly wreaking havoc on marriages:

• “If I don’t do it, no one will.”
• “If it’s not done my way, it’s wrong.”
• “If I let go, everything will fall apart.”

Sound familiar?

Here’s the truth: those beliefs aren’t just about your partner. They’re about control. They’re about fear. And most importantly, they’re about trust—trust in yourself, in your partner, and in life.

And I get it. I’ve been there.

There was a time in my marriage where I was so wrapped up in trying to hold it all together, I didn’t realize I was actually pushing my husband away. I criticized, I micromanaged, and then I blamed him when he shut down.

Spoiler alert: I was part of the problem.

Why Masculine Energy Isn’t the Enemy (But Overuse Is)

High-achieving women are pros at stepping into masculine energy—structure, direction, productivity. But when that’s your default, it can burn you out and disconnect you from your partner. Especially if your husband is stuck in passive or avoidant behavior (and let’s be honest, a lot of men are these days).

Dr. Ray explained that many men were raised by single mothers or in overly nurtured environments. They’ve never been required to step up—because someone else always did it for them. And when they enter a relationship with a woman who already has her foot on the gas, they just stay in the passenger seat.

Here’s the hard truth: if we keep enabling that dynamic, they won’t change. Why would they? They’re still getting the benefits—sex, comfort, partnership—without having to grow.

So What Can You Actually Do?

Let’s be real. You’re not trying to raise a man. And you definitely don’t want to be the default parent and the relationship manager.

So what’s the move?

Dr. Ray says it starts with dropping the blame—and picking up responsibility for your own healing.

• Are you communicating needs clearly or with passive-aggressive jabs?
• Are you expecting him to read your mind?
• Are you catastrophizing when things don’t go your way?

Yeah, that one hit me too.

I shared a story about a damn fire alarm. I had been holding on to resentment for weeks because my husband didn’t change the battery. I was ready to light him up on a podcast episode… only to find out he had changed it. He just didn’t do it the way I would have.

He looked me in the eye and said, “Your emergency doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part.”

Oof.

At first, I was livid. But he was right. And that moment forced me to confront the way I was attaching security to control—and how I’d let fear run the show.

Why “Celebrating Him” Isn’t About Stroking His Ego

Now, I can already hear you: “Why the hell do I need to celebrate him for doing the bare minimum?”

I get it. I get it.

But Dr. Ray reframed this in a way that made me stop in my tracks. He said:

“Celebration isn’t about complimenting him. It’s about connecting to yourself. It’s saying, ‘It made me feel feminine and provided for when you did that.’” – Dr. Ray Doktor

It’s not about stroking his ego. It’s about honoring your experience and showing him how to love you well.

But also? If he’s really not stepping up—if you’ve tried healthy communication, you’ve done the work, and he’s still not growing—then it might be time to ask the hard question: Is this relationship aligned with who I am now?

Don’t Personalize the Inaction

One of the best takeaways from this episode was simple, but powerful:

Stop personalizing his behavior.

Just because he didn’t load the dishwasher right doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Just because he didn’t respond how you hoped doesn’t mean he’s trying to sabotage you.

We create stories in our heads—stories that trigger old wounds and make us feel abandoned or unsafe. And before we know it, we’re fighting ghosts from our past instead of dealing with the present moment.

The One Key to a Thriving Relationship? Your Own Damn Healing.

Let’s end with this gem from Dr. Ray:

“Love yourself first. Respect yourself first. When you’re connected to your own wholeness, you stop trying to make your partner fill a void they were never meant to fill.” – Dr. Ray Doktor

Mic drop.

If you’re feeling stuck in your marriage, start with you. Do the shadow work. Get clear on what safety, trust, and love look like for you. And stop waiting for someone else to save you.

Because the more whole you become, the less you need to control—and the more you’ll attract the partnership you actually deserve.

Want more?

Dr. Ray Doktor is the author of All It Takes Is One, and he’s offering a free discovery call on his website: www.raydoktor.com. His work is for women who are ready to stop playing small and start building healthy, powerful partnerships—without losing themselves.

Let me know if you want a part two. Because we’re just getting started.

You deserve more than survival.
You deserve love, safety, and connection.
And it starts with you.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Take the Marriage Predictor quiz!
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Dr. Ray Doktor

Dr. Ray Doktor is a best-selling author, recognized by the team behind the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, Dr. Ray has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Eckhart Tolle. You may have seen him on the E Channel, HBO, and KCAL 9 Los Angeles. His insights have been featured in Psychology Today, Men’s Health, and the Los Angeles Times.

Digital Coordinates:

https://raydoktor.com

https://www.allittakesisonebook.com

https://raydoktor.com/book-a-call

https://www.instagram.com/drraydoktorcoaching

https://www.facebook.com/raydoktor

https://www.youtube.com/raydoktor

Meet Veronica Cisneros

As a leading authority in women’s empowerment and a fierce advocate for building strong networks, Veronica is your go-to guru for turning fears into victories, struggles into strengths, and doubts into boundless opportunities.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 10 plus years; empowering high-achieving women in business to conquer both professional heights and personal fulfillment. She doesn’t do bandaids!
Veronica has a unique approach to overcoming obstacles and smashing through the glass ceilings that loom over ambitious women. With her arsenal of practical tools, actionable strategies, and unwavering support, Veronica doesn’t just help women succeed in their careers – she helps them thrive in every facet of their lives.

But Veronica’s expertise isn’t just theoretical – it’s personal. With over 24 years of marriage, three daughters, and a soaring career, Veronica embodies the resilience and determination needed to navigate life’s challenges. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Group Private Practice Owner, of Outside The Norm Counseling, Marriage Coach, and the voice behind the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica effortlessly guides women to challenge themselves beyond their comfort zones.

Veronica is more than an expert – she’s a partner in transformation, turning mundane relationships into true connections. With her relatable charm and infectious humor, Veronica illuminates the path for women who refuse to settle for anything less than success in both business and relationships. Through practical tips, heartfelt anecdotes, and her trademark wit, Veronica empowers every woman to cultivate unbreakable bonds without sacrificing their ambitions.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast on Apple Podcast {previously iTunes) and subscribe!