Listen on Apple. Listen on Spotify. Listen on YouTube.

If you’ve ever gone from a simple disagreement to mentally drafting divorce papers in under three minutes, hi, you’re in good company. Earlier today, I caught myself doing the exact thing I coach women not to do: fortune telling. One comment spiraled into “he never cared,” “we’ll never fix this,” and “I’m a terrible mom.” Spoiler: none of that was true. It was a rough moment, not a prophecy.

This post is about that moment, what it taught me on the way to our 22nd-anniversary trip, and how to tell the difference between a partner who’s actually emotionally unavailable and a storm of stories playing in your own head.

The Setup: Life, Deadlines, And One Hot Button

We had a plan. I would drive to our daughter Aubrey’s game after work. My husband, Willie, would take our dog to training. Traffic was brutal, my to-do list was longer than I am tall, and I still needed to record an episode. When Willie casually said he was still working past his usual end time, it hit my hot button.

In my head his words became: “My job matters more. You’ll miss the game. You’re failing your kid.” He did not say that. But my insecurity heard it loud and clear. Cue raised voices, hurt, and me deciding he was “emotionally unavailable.”

What was really happening? I was overwhelmed, scared I’d disappoint my daughter, and using my husband as a target for feelings I hadn’t named yet.

The Spiral: When Stories Masquerade As Facts

Here are a few of the distorted thoughts that took over my brain on that drive:

• Fortune telling: “We’ll never resolve this. This is who he’ll always be.”
• Mind reading: “He thinks I’m a bad mom.”
• Personalization: “If he doesn’t validate me right now, it means he doesn’t care.”
• All-or-nothing: “If I miss this game, I’ve failed as a parent.”

If any of those sound familiar, you’re not broken. You’re human. But when these thoughts run the show, every conversation feels like a verdict, not a moment.

What He Actually Said (And Meant)

I asked Willie to share the “other side” and here’s the essence of it: my frustration started before he ever spoke. When I heard he was still working, it felt unfair. He validated that I was overwhelmed and tried to hold a boundary around how we were speaking to each other. From his view, it wasn’t about checking out emotionally. It was about feeling backed into a corner and trying not to become a punching bag.

He also offered something simple and useful: delivery matters. Starting with “would you,” “will you,” or “can you” lands better than commands like “grab,” “pick,” or “give me.” Respect in the wording changes how either partner receives the message.

What I Needed In That Moment (And Didn’t Ask For)

Two things:

1. Validation
   I wanted my feelings to be seen. Validation doesn’t mean agreement; it means “I get that this is real for you.”
2. Self-validation
   Waiting for someone else to say your feelings are real keeps you stuck. Self-validation sounds like: “I’m overwhelmed, I’m scared I’m letting my kid down, I’m angry that the plan isn’t working, and that’s true for me right now.”

Once I named that, the intensity went down. I could think again.

The Question You Came For: Is He Emotionally Unavailable?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Before you decide, run through this quick audit.

1) Check The Facts, Not The Feelings

• Pattern vs. moment: Is this a consistent refusal to engage or a single bad day?
• All channels closed? Emotionally unavailable partners avoid emotional conversations, affection, and repair consistently.

2) Name The Story You’re Telling

• Write the headline in your head: “He doesn’t care,” “I’m not a priority,” “I’m failing.”
• Ask, “What else could be true?” For me: traffic, deadlines, and missing yesterday’s game were already tender spots.

3) Self-Validate Before You Communicate

Try: “I’m anxious and sad about missing her game. I need support, not fixing.”
It keeps you grounded and less likely to attack.

4) Ask For What You Actually Need

• “Can you just listen for two minutes and reflect back what you hear?”
• “Will you help me problem-solve after that?”

5) Watch Your Delivery

Swap commands for invites: “Would you,” “Will you,” “Can you.”
It sounds small, but it lowers defensiveness fast.

6) Set Boundaries Around Disrespect

If voices escalate or either of you shuts down: “This is getting unproductive. I’m taking ten minutes and I’ll come back to this at 6:30.”

Scripts You Can Steal

• When you’re spiraling:
  “I can feel my brain writing a worst-case scenario. What I actually feel is scared I’m letting our kid down. Can you help me slow this down?”
• When you need validation:
  “I don’t need a solution yet. I need you to say back what you’re hearing so I know I’m making sense.”
• When he feels criticized:
  “I’m not saying you’re doing it wrong. I’m saying I’m overwhelmed and need a softer tone and a plan.”
• Boundary during escalation:
  “I want to finish this, and I won’t keep going if we’re yelling. Let’s pause and try again in ten minutes.”

If He Actually Is Emotionally Unavailable

You might be dealing with real walls if these are true most of the time:

• He consistently avoids emotional topics, repair conversations, or physical closeness.
• He minimizes or mocks feelings.
• He shuts down or attacks when vulnerability shows up, with no willingness to work on it.

If that’s the pattern, you need both skills and support. Ask for couples therapy, read together, set clear boundaries, and protect your own wellbeing. If there’s no movement over time, you’re not required to live in emotional starvation. That’s a different post, and I’ll cover it.

What Happened Next

I made it to the game for the last fifteen minutes. Aubrey didn’t end up playing, which reminded me that I was catastrophizing. I apologized to Willie for my part, named my insecurity, and he reminded me I’m a good mom and a good partner who was simply overloaded. Repair beat perfection. Again.

A Quick Checklist For The Next Argument

• Did I self-validate first?
• Did I name the story in my head?
• Did I ask for what I actually need?
• Did I keep my delivery respectful?
• Did I set a boundary when it went off the rails?
• Did we circle back for repair?

Tape that to your fridge. Or your steering wheel.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast on Apple Podcast {previously iTunes) and subscribe!