[VERONICA]:
Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts that changed the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play.

Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women just like you how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.

[VERONICA]:
Hey ladies. Welcome to Empowered and Unapologetic. I’m your host, Veronica Cisneros. Today’s guest is an acclaimed musician with three albums to her credit, whose work has appeared in television and film, including Dawson’s Creek and the Matthew Shepard story. She has been invited to sing at the Monaco International Film Festival, the Cannes International Film Festival, and for her majesty herself, Queen Elizabeth. She’s also the author of the book, Star Child. She is the founder and executive director of Star Child Charity. This charity has built a school for creative arts and works with vulnerable women and children. In 2017, she was a finalist of Scots Woman of the Year by the Evening Times and has received a Prime Minister’s Award for her work on Uganda. She has also received a Peace and Unity Award and a Community Champion Award. So please help me by welcoming Michaela Foster Marsh. Hey, Michaela.

[MICHAELA]:
Hey, thank you so much for that lovely introduction, Veronica. You make me sound very empowered there.

[VERONICA]:
Girl, girl. I’m like, reading this and going, okay, we have Queen Elizabeth, we have Dawson’s Creek, we have all of these amazing experiences. And it’s like, okay, I’m not gonna lie. I secretly want to be Michaela.

[MICHAELA]:
Oh, no, you really don’t. You really don’t. But it does, when you read it back, I have to, you know… even myself, it’s kind of, yeah. I think oh, did I really do all those things? But yeah, I have done them. Little, wee me, I managed to do it. Don’t know how. I look back now and think how did I achieve that? But I’ve done it.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah, so I was reading your book and I don’t want to give up too much information, but can you please share with us your story?

[MICHAELA]:
It’s a miraculous story. It’s quite a candid memoir, I think, of growing up with my black, adopted, Ugandan brother in Scotland, who sadly died at the age of 27, in a house fire, at the age of 27. But the book also follows the incredible, I guess it’s a miraculous journey of finding my brother’s Ugandan family 18 years after his death, and the unique connection and commitment that I then found to his homeland. So the book, I mean, it’s obviously come from that real loss. And I think writing is how I’ve often dealt with grief and process things. It’s allowed me from a young age, I think, to tease out my sorrows. Even in the music, you’ll see there’s an element of loss in the writing. So it was how I coped and tried to find answers to things, and grief in particular.

So, I started out as a songwriter, but then found there just wasn’t enough room on the page for me and I eventually ended up doing more novel writing. But this book, I guess, people just kept saying, you know, it’s such a miraculous story, Michaela, you need to really write the real story. So that was what I started to do. And it is unbelievable, you know, you couldn’t imagine that with very, very little to go on – but, I think, my persistence and tenacity – I eventually found, in a country of 43 million people in Uganda, I found his family.

[VERONICA]:
That is nuts.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah, you couldn’t make it up. I mean, a couple of people have said that in reviews, you know, you couldn’t make this story up. It’s just quite incredible. And I think for me, it proves that there is a continuous thread that connects us all, even after death, the fact that I did find them and all the journey that has taken me on since then, quite miraculous.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. That’s one thing I was blown away by, you know. In the beginning of a chapter you mention, you know, the shots that you’ve had to endure. And in addition to that, the pills and all of these things because you’re traveling to another country and, you know, the mosquitoes and I’m just thinking, holy moly, she is resilient, like, she’s gonna stop at nothing. You know, most of us don’t believe we are capable of creating, or even being a part of change. How did you become, dare I say, empowered and unapologetic? How did that happen?

[MICHAELA]:
I think through my personal losses, each grief has been very different. But I guess, I know it might be [unclear] to say it, but they’ve actually… they have empowered me, they’ve changed me. You kind of go through a metamorphosis. I mean, just to give you a bit of background, I suppose there is a baseline of grief run through my life, where Frankie died at the age of 27 and then my dad died a couple of years later with hepatitis C that he had contracted from infected blood. And then my mom got ovarian cancer and died. And then just recently, I lost my own partner, my beloved partner, Ronnie to lung cancer.

So really, from the age of 27, and I mean, even going back further, when I was 10, my dad had a massive heart attack in front of me, which changes your psyche, it does something to your consciousness when you’re that young, and you watch somebody you love, your father, you realize at that moment that really, you know, life has an expiry date. We only have one shot at this here. And so I realized from a young age that people could be taken away from me, in a heartbeat, literally. And we were lucky that we lived two minutes from the Victorian Infirmary or we would have lost dad that day. But luckily dad did survive. But I think something changed in me and I think I was always reaching out for a [unclear] reality, something bigger, grander, you know, life after death, those subjects started to hold a fascination for me when I thought that I could have lost my dad. And then of course, I lost Frankie, and subsequently, the whole family, and latterly, Ronnie.

So with each death, you know, it changes so much of you, and you’ve got a choice – sink or swim. You either fight through that enormous [unclear] of emotion and grief and it’s… Grief is very physical, I don’t think people often realize just how much it affects you physically, as well as emotionally. And literally at one point, I didn’t feel I was fighting for my own life because the grief was so overwhelming. But if you can get through and surrender to the changes that you can’t do anything about, and come to some level of acceptance… So, my life has never been started because of each grief, it’s forced me out of my comfort zone, and challenged me beyond what I’ve always felt comfortable, you know, capable of doing.

So many people are loving their lives in their comfort zone and they don’t get challenged, the status quo doesn’t get challenged. But when you have a major trauma or major grief, or divorce, I mean, the grief can be in all forms, it forces you into new life. And if you allow it, it will, that extreme pain will forge you a new life. That is possible, even though at the time it doesn’t feel possible. But if you can work with it, and don’t stay stuck in the victim mode of self-pity – I think self pity is… I think I say that at the beginning of the book, I think it is the worst enemy in life. And, you know, everybody has a story. It’s how you respond to that story and the challenges, even the privileged and the oppressed, I’ve seen them all – obviously I haven’t witnessed that over there – and they all have problems.

So I think it’s about having a strength of spirit. And, at some point, I think in everybody’s life, we are called to heal, to transcend and transform ourselves. That is not easy. But I think that, particularly for myself, when I’ve been called to that, it has been through a major loss through the griefs. You don’t get over that; you don’t get over the loss of Frankie. He was my twin, you know, he might have been black but he was my twin brother. I’m not going to go over the loss of the love of my life, my soul mate, Ronnie. It changes you. But you can either surrender to that and try and get some empowerment from it – we’re not God, we’re not going to be able to bring the person back. So the only thing we can do is try to work on ourselves and believe that there is beauty in our own brokenness, and that we will get through it. Becoming a victim of death, I feel like a survivor of death. And, you know, I’ve been able to somehow take those losses and transform them into something positive. But that’s not been easy, obviously.

[VERONICA]:
Well, not at all. So I appreciate you saying – and you do say this in the book, I even made sure to make a quote of this – I’ve learned self-pity as perhaps the worst enemy in life. Most of us are so stuck on trying to change whatever happened in the past versus accept it. We are so stuck on blaming others and refusing, refusing to accept the unacceptable, refusing to move forward, as if… it’s almost as if we stay stuck, then people will know how sad we are, people will know how traumatic an incident was. And there’s no way I can ever move forward. There’s no way I can ever experience true happiness because of what’s taken place. Because, you know, my mom and dad were awful, because, you know, my ex husband was awful, because I’ve endured a loss, because I’ve endured trauma. And I’ve seen as a clinician, I’ve seen so many people get stuck in that spot.

[MICHAELA]:
It limits their lives.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, 100%. However, people would rather stay stuck than endure this new path, like, create this new path, you know, embark on this new path. And I’ve noticed that that fear is so intense, that fear is so extreme, that they would rather surrender to familiarity.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah, they do.

[VERONICA]:
Right. Versus trying something new.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah, they’re stuck in that comfort zone. But really, it’s not helping them. Their life is full of possibilities and potentials that are just sitting there waiting. But I think that the universe will support movement. It doesn’t support victim mode, it doesn’t support that mindset and it costs you dearly. It disconnects you from living your life that you want, and that you deserve. And you will see that, obviously, with what you’re doing in the sessions, you know, more than me. I mean, I can really only speak about myself, in my own situation. But I do, you know, like you, I mean, I’ve seen people and you just want to give them a shake.

[VERONICA]:
Yes. Girl, yes.

[MICHAELA]:
And say, do you not see that this is an opportunity? There’s always an opportunity to be grasped, if you can just put one foot in front of the other. And again, that whole thing about surrendering, making you powerful. Going back to the book, I’m trying to think sort of where I’m going to go with this, but I mean, I had been trying for years to go to Uganda. And it kept getting put on hold, and setbacks and delays. And other people would just have said, as I did to myself at one point, well, you know, maybe I’m just not meant to go. And it would have been really easy for me to just give up at that point. But I decided that I was going to go, and I decided that that was my prayer. That was my… I would sit and I would light my candles. And I would say, I want to go, I want to go to Uganda. I’m not sure why these delays are happening. Again, I could have just sat there in victim mode but I said, I don’t know why these delays are happening. But I am just going to plant that seed. I’ve put the dream out there. And if I believe in prayer, then I need to give that over to this universe, God, whatever it is you want to believe in. And I’m saying I’m planting that seed, and I’m going to persistently make sure that I water it and look after it.

But I am also going to expect that something is going on under the ground. Something’s taking place, transpiring, and that you will sort it out and that I will get to go to Uganda and something bigger than me that knows better will be able to orchestrate the details. And little did I know, just, I mean, it took years but when I did go I was a total puppet. It was like somebody had planned this trip my entire life. But when I gave up the control I gave up that… I surrendered to the natural unfoldment of the things. You know, then the miracles started to happen. The responses started to come and I completely tried to find gratitude in even the smallest thing, for every person that came along that would help me on this. And it’s not really till I look back now that I actually see that by my ability to have just said, right, okay, I’ve put it out there, you know this is what I would really like to do. I suppose if it’s not meant, then it won’t happen, that’s not a cop-out because I was persistently still trying to find the answers and try to find this family. But at the same time, I was aware that I was not the one that was in complete control, if you know what I mean by that.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah.

[MICHAELA]:
And also, I think that you can’t ignore these little cosmic nudges that come along all the time. And they do tell you if you’re on the right track, so I was getting those. I was getting enough, let’s say, drip fed. The dream was getting drip fed enough that I could just say, yeah, okay, that’s another little nudge. I know I’m in the right direction. But to just let go and let God, in a sense, take a step back from the situation. Because there was really no clear path to follow. But then, like I say, when I got there, oh, my God. I mean, that’s what the book is full of, is just the…

[VERONICA]:
The journey.

[MICHAELA]:
The coincidences, the synchronicity, what happened, you know, to allow me to have that experience and to find the family. And then learn that obviously, there was a piece of missing for them as well. Because, you know, Frankie’s mom had told the sisters that she’d had this son, although it was kept secret from everybody else, but there was, you know, the fact she’d never let go of that child in her heart, even though she’d had to leave Frankie in Scotland. And that was a driving force as well. I somehow felt something bigger wanted me to find the family. I’ve got no proof of that. It’s just a sense of knowing, an intuitive awareness that I felt this was something that I had to do to follow through on something my brother would have done, had he been alive.

[VERONICA]:
I admire that. I admire that tenacity. I admire, you know, you’re in Uganda. It’s not like you’re in LA or in, you know, somewhere here in the States, or somewhere familiar. You’re in an entirely different country with different rules.

[MICHAELA]:
It was challenging, yeah,

[VERONICA]:
I’m just thinking of like, holy moly, I’d be… You know, I get scared to walk in certain areas at night by myself, let alone a different country. And I appreciate how you said, you know, the universe doesn’t support that victim role. It doesn’t. You either sink or swim. And I think for a lot of us who are afraid to ask for help. And I appreciate in your book, you also said, life is about strength of spirit, and the remarkable ability to heal, transform and transcend. I believe if we ask, help is sent, but it is in response to our actions and faith that we are being listened to.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. We need to, that’s the thing. You know, sometimes you don’t do the action, you just trust that you are being listened to. And then I think that just having that trust, you know, it kind of relaxes you. And then I think that things can maybe unfold a bit easier. And who knows if that makes sense.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah. Well, [unclear]?

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. Certainly, going to Uganda, it was a culture shock. It was very different. It was very challenging. It challenged all aspects of myself on a physical level as well, like you say, my tummy wasn’t right, and all the bugs, getting bitten and everything. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. I mean, I just, I really… There was a part of me enjoyed it. I mean, my partner, Ronnie used to say, okay, it gives us good stories to tell when we come back home, you know, you survived the rats and all this. But of course, Uganda’s not all like that, but there are areas that are really, you know, I guess it’s like everywhere – there’s areas you don’t want to go down, streets you don’t want to go down. And, you know, we learned the hard way as well about that. But by and large, it’s a fabulous country, and the people are really welcoming.

And, you know, it was a real eye opener for me in so many ways. It was a very, very emotional journey because I was doing this in memory of my brother and, you know, the children’s homes and things that we would visit. I just was overwhelmed by a sadness, and any one of them could have been Frankie. And I really felt I wanted to try and do something to help and that wasn’t going to be adopting a bunch of children. And that brought with it its own set of problems as I soon realized, you know, unlocking some of the dark side to adoption in Uganda. So for me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, how I was going to figure it out. I just knew that I couldn’t leave the country and not go back. I felt a real connection to the brothers. We were connected by this woman who I never met, but she was a mother of my brother, who I loved. He was just like a biological twin to me. And so I just felt that to find the family and to find brothers, I had three new brothers, Ugandan brothers. And one of them was called Frank, and looked so like Frankie, it’s just an incredibly emotional experience on all levels. So coming to terms of that, and then coming to terms with some of the overwhelming poverty that I witnessed, I came back and felt I have to try and do something. And that ultimately became setting up the charity. But again, I knew nothing about setting up charities. Nothing.

[VERONICA]:
Hey, ladies. If you’re enjoying this episode, stop what you’re doing, take a screenshot and share it on your social media. Do not forget to tag me. I will share your share on my Instagram stories. I absolutely love hearing from you all, and seeing the positive changes you are making in your life.

[VERONICA]:
Okay, so I don’t know… like, I’m listening to you and you’re in Uganda, and now you’re setting up a charity and, you know, reading your book. I remember you saying, don’t trust the travel books because this place was rated high stars, and there’s rats running in and out of the oven. And I’m just thinking, like, that alone, I would have said, alright, it’s time for me to go. I can’t do this. You mentioned asking for help, and then listening, right? How do we…? So, for us, how do we get there? It sounds like what drove you, and this level of determination was all based off of the loss of your brother, and wanting this so badly. How do we find that? And the other thing is, how do we ask for something when we don’t feel worthy of it? When we feel insecure? How did you get there?

[MICHAELA]:
I think you ask for healing. I think that the universe does respond, but you need to almost maybe humble yourself. And we don’t speak enough to… I mean, I have a little altar and it has pictures of those that I’ve loved, and it has angel cards, and I light my candles. And that’s my therapy. I do some meditation as well. Not as regularly as I should but I do try and do my meditation. And I think just like I say, opening up to that and having… If you can’t believe in yourself, then give them the power. If you really feel that you can’t do it, then, you know, I don’t know if getting on your knees… I think at some point in everybody’s life, we’ve been on our knees, asking God or whatever that is for help. Every single person. I think it’s what makes us human. We’ve all suffered trauma and loss in our life and reached out to something [unclear] that we have no real understanding of.

But I think that that relationship, when you open the door it’s like any relationship, you need to work at it and develop it and learn how to get the signs and symbols. I mean, it may be something like, you know, you see, well, for me, sunflowers are a real thing and there’s feathers, there’s different nudges, there’s little symbols. I mean, I’m not painting feathers here and everything but there are ways that the connections, synchronicity, as you start to open up your mind and think, okay, is this a sign? If something keeps coming back around to you, maybe that’s a hint as to where you should be going. Keep your eyes and ears open for all of that way, and surrendering, just being able to just get on your knees and say I can’t do this. I need some help. And then trusting that that help will come. But you need to do something, anything, you know, to push yourself forward. Otherwise, it’s a waste of the precious life that you have. Even if you’ve been shaken to the core and you have to make heart wrenching discoveries about yourself, that’s when you do discover your strength, is when you’ve been broken.

[VERONICA]:
Yes. I think one thing that you mentioned earlier too, that just kind of hit me, is we all have an expiration date. And most of us are so stuck on, okay, I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll do it Monday, I’ll start Monday, because we actually think that we have up until Monday to start all over. And we take for granted that Monday, we take for granted these months, these weeks, these years. Very few of us, I should say, really take each opportunity as just that, you know, a present, a gift that we’re given.

[MICHAELA]:
It is and I think, again, like I say, when you’ve had those losses, you realize just how fragile, tenuous, life really is. And we don’t know how long we’ve got. So, again, it comes down to that choice. Am I gonna sit here in my sadness, or am I going to try and move myself forward, and hope that those doors and those pathways, that they open up, and I do believe they do, if you can get yourself out of that victim mode. It doesn’t stop bad things from happening. And I don’t think having faith is a passport out of suffering by any means. But it’s how you respond to those things, how you respond to those huge losses. And that might just be your job, it might not necessarily be a grievance, it’s… You know, sometimes there are harder ways to lose people than death. I mean, death is the ultimate and it’s really hard, but just the breakdown of a relationship in a divorce, I mean, I went through a divorce – that is an enormous grief.

[VERONICA]:
Mm hmm.

[MICHAELA]:
You know, it’s not just about the physical death of somebody. We’re all mourning things in our lives. And I think as human beings, like I say, most of us at some point in our life, have been just about brought to our knees. And we need to push through it. And yeah, it does require you to be brave but when you are brave, then, I think the universe responds and the miracles can happen.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. It’s trusting that you’re going to be okay.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. Yes.

[VERONICA]:
Trusting the process. It’s trusting that you’ve got yourself this far, you can go ahead and go even further.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. I mean, what is that loss trying to teach you? That’s not diminishing, I don’t mean to diminish it. I mean, I didn’t need the losses in my life to make me a better person. You know, so I don’t mean it that way. But you want to be able to try and just look at… You’ve got a choice, you’ve got a new direction. If I’ve lost Ronnie, who was the love of my life, I mean, the pain is there. It’s horrendous. It’s horrendous. But I need to try and imagine a new life for myself. Otherwise, you will just, like I say, fall into the sadness and the victim mode, and Ronnie wouldn’t want that for me either. So these things – and again, when I say grief, I’m not just talking about this – these griefs do give us a time to reset, you know, to change direction.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. What are three steps that we can do right now if we know we’re at our bottom, if we know change needs to happen? You know, I agree with you, we’ve all been on our knees. There’s been times where after a session, you know, with a client in my private practice, I remember thinking, this is beyond me, this is totally beyond me. They’ve come to me for help and this is beyond me, because there was so much pain. And I need guidance. And I remember falling to my knees. And I remember literally crying and just praying, I need help. I need help. I need guidance. Take me through this because I do not have this power, nor am I gonna pretend like I have the power. And for me, I had to believe that this was possible, this was possible, that I can ask and I can receive it. I don’t know how I’m gonna receive it. I don’t know when I’m gonna receive it. There’s this heightened level of trust. Can you give us maybe three steps that we can take right now?

[MICHAELA]:
I mean, I think you’ve said one of them. I would say, prayer. And gratitude. No matter how bad, write down the positives in your life, write some positive affirmations. I’m a big Louise Hay fan. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Louise Hay.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, of course.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. So, you know, I will stand in front of the mirror, the tears might be rolling down my face but, you know, I’ll do what she says. And I’ll stand in front of the mirror, and I’ll tell myself that I love myself, and I forgive myself because, I mean, we all make mistakes, and I’ll take better care of myself. I might have had a huge session of just weeping. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can have my pity party and open a bottle of wine, and sit there and feel really sorry for myself, you know, but then the next day I get up and I say, okay, well, that wasn’t so great, I’ve got a bad headache. But, you know, I don’t stay there. But there’s days, there’s going to be days where you’re just, like, bath in it, just have a bath of self pity and sorrow for whatever it is that you’ve lost. But then do the affirmation and tell yourself that you’ll take better care of yourself.

[VERONICA]:
Yeah.

[MICHAELA]:
And also, what I’ve found recently is going into nature. I didn’t walk before lockdown. But because, you know, I’m more of a gym person – well, when the mood takes me, I mean, I try and go two or three times a week but, you know, sometimes I skip out – but of course, the gyms have been closed. So I’ve been going for long walks in the forest and in nature, and oh, my gosh, it’s so healing. I’ve been literally hugging trees, I’m not kidding, because there’s no one else I can hug. We’re not allowed to hug people and obviously, my partner’s not here. So, I mean, really nurture these simple things, just take it back down to the most simple thing that you can enjoy until you can get yourself to that next step.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. Bingo. And they’re small.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah, yeah, they’re small steps. But they might be huge. They might be huge to you, if you’re craving a relationship, or a job, or whatever that happens to be. But, I mean, I now have the book, which is tangible. And I read it and I think, you know, this story started in 1966. And this little child was abandoned, left in Scotland, a black Ugandan boy. And my parents had put on an adoption certificate they would take a hard to place child, meaning a child that had a disability, or a child that maybe was older, because they were often neglected, and people wanted babies. And they never expected that they would get a black child offered to them. But they were like, okay, as long as we bond with the child, we don’t see a problem with the color.

And so this incredible journey started then. He became my twin at 13 months old, we were literally pushed around Glasgow in a twin pram together. And people were very curious. It was very difficult. I think that my mom struggled a lot with some problems. Some of that’s in the book; I address some of that in the book, obviously. But how did, I mean, you know, what has unfolded since then, it was a saddest day. I mean, when Frankie died, I thought my life was over, I thought I wanted to die, I should have been the one to have gone. Not Frankie. And it did take a long time, and now I look back, and I think, my gosh, from his death, and now finding the family, and then you bring out a book. I never expected that I would write a book about this. But the story has been so miraculous that people are saying, you’ve got to write the book.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely.

[MICHAELA]:
I write the book. And I mean, could I have planned a book that touches on racism, about a black and white child who love each other, and the timing of that book, when I wrote it, I mean, I wrote the book, finished the book about five years ago, then you have to find a publisher, then you have to wait on the publishing. So you’re talking about that whole five year, at least, interval. And again, it’s again, you plant a seed, and you hope to goodness that somebody is going to publish this, you know, you have to have trust and faith. And I mean, for somebody… I was called stupid at school by my teacher, and that took a lot for me to get over that, and to prove to myself that I could be a writer. That’s why it’s probably taken me to my 50s to finally get published.

But now, again, the universe and its timing. I bring out a book and now everybody’s talking about the timing of the book because it’s talking about race, it does talk about that in the book, but it’s not a politically motivated book on racism. It’s just a true story about a black and a white child that loved each other and were able to live in harmony and that that love transcended any geographical borders, and even life itself. So, I mean, I hope that – it’s my experience through my own lens, but I hope that it helps. But again, I couldn’t have predicted that. And with my book, I kept thinking, oh, nobody’s gonna publish it. It’s never going to get published. And then what happens? It falls across the desk of a man who had adopted a black child from Ethiopia.

[VERONICA]:
Wow.

[MICHAELA]:
And he says, he says, I’ve never published a memoir; I publish fiction, but I’ve been so moved by your book. Because I’d sent on the fictional book as well, and I’d sent on the memoir, I’d want you to read both, and I didn’t realize that he had an adopted child, a black child at that. But at the time my parents adopted Frankie, transracial adoption was unheard of. And it was the time of the Civil Rights Movement, and Martin Luther King had just been killed. And yet my parents took a quiet antiracism stance and adopted a black child, and it’s in the 60s, at the height of all of this. And now, my book is coming out and we’re seeing all this again, all the riots that my parents witnessed. And I used to say to people, you know, that my parents were really brave when they adopted Frankie. And that there was all this civil rights and there were riots in America, and it was filtered over here. We could see, obviously, the TV and the radio. And for my parents to have done that was really unusual in their day.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, absolutely.

[MICHAELA]:
And it would just go over people’s heads. And now people are looking at it going, oh, wow, that really was brave. And now the book’s coming out. Again, I don’t know. These things are, you know, if you just look at your timeline in life, the passages that you’ve gone through, and I had to do that with the book, I had to go through a timeline. And it’s like going through a timeline of your own life. And it’s easy for people to say, oh, your life has just been unusual. You know, I just feel as if I… Everybody… I don’t think that God deals out the good and the bad cards, and treats some any better than others. Yeah, I’ve had maybe a bit more grief than other people, but I don’t know what another person’s had to go through. They might have their own challenges in different areas. It’s about the response to the trauma that I think we all have in our lives as human beings. It’s just part and parcel of being human. And it’s, I think, the spiritual element of us, it’s not separate.

[VERONICA]:
No, it’s giving up. It’s letting go of that illusion of control.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
Letting go of that illusion of control, and being willing to go ahead and walk into uncertainty. And you see this pattern with yourself and your family. And again, this determination to go ahead and experience love, experience connection, and that’s ultimately the goal, you know, with your parents adopting your brother, Frankie, and then you going off, you know, into this really scary and challenging journey. It’s witnessed, both in their path as well as in yours. I want to go ahead and make sure I ask you a question that I ask everybody because I’m dying to hear the answer. What are you doing right now to live the life you want to live?

[MICHAELA]:
I’m writing a new chapter of my life without Ronnie. I hate the fact that he’s not here and I miss him every second of the day. But I am now writing a book on death and dying but I’m also writing my own chapter. Because again, it’s how I’m going to move forward. I want to see myself happy again. I try to visualize myself happy again. I will never, like I say, get over that loss. I think people that say you move on or whatever, you know, you just get changed by every grief and you have to learn to accept it. But I’m trying to visualize myself happy. And it was funny, my meditation today was standing in a field of infinite possibilities. And I thought that was so perfect. And I did the Deepak Chopra – I change around and I do different ones, so I never know what I’m going to get, it’s quite random. So today I was visualizing myself standing in a field of infinite possibilities. And I thought, oh, there you go. And he said, we are the infinite source of creativity and inspiration. We ourselves are.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo.

[MICHAELA]:
So nobody is going to do it for me, nobody is going to pull myself out of this, you know, ocean of grief that I’m still wading my way through, and I really am. But Ronnie wouldn’t want to see me unhappy, and I am taking myself off to Italy to finish the book that I started to write when he transitioned because I don’t believe really in death. We speak about death but I really do think it’s a transition. It helps me, I guess, as well, to not think of myself as separate from the spiritual. I don’t know if that makes sense to you.

[VERONICA]:
Well, yeah.

[MICHAELA]:
I think that, I mean, there is a saying that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, which I like because it makes me feel connected to that supernal world, if you like. And it makes me feel I have access to it because it’s not separate from me.

[VERONICA]:
No, no.

[MICHAELA]:
And so that empowers me.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo, and you could be connected at any level. I love that.

[MICHAELA]:
Exactly. So yeah, so I think, yeah, I’m standing in a field of infinite possibilities; that’s a Deepak quote for today. And that was my meditation. I thought that’s perfect. Because I want to have infinite possibilities. I don’t want to stay stuck in the grief.

[VERONICA]:
No, no, no. And like you said, you have a choice. And it sounds like that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re making an active choice, even though there’s pain, even though there’s sorrow, even though there’s grief.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn’t mean I don’t wake up most mornings still crying.

[VERONICA]:
Of course.

[MICHAELA]:
I still weep over Ronnie and wish with all my heart that he was with me, but he’s not. And there is nothing that I can do about that. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and move, and hope that that universe is supporting me. We’re hoping to build a Sunflower Sanctuary for children with autism and disabilities in memory of Ronnie. And so that’s our next project is to do that. And again, doing things for others is so healing.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, god, yes. Oh, god, yes.

[MICHAELA]:
It’s life transforming. It changes you, being able to help other people.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. That leads me to my last question. What advice would you give to the woman who feels stressed and disconnected?

[MICHAELA]:
Sit in your own space. Again, find that gratitude, I think. Just what I was saying about the prayers and meditation. Give yourself some space. Love yourself. And take care of yourself. Promise that you’ll take better care of yourself.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely.

[MICHAELA]:
And try not to think of yourself as a victim. It’s so easy, but we’re all struggling, we’re all up against it. You know, for some people, getting out of bed in the morning and crossing the street is a challenge.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah. Nobody gets off scot free, I don’t think. It’s part of the human journey, why we’re here maybe.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely.

[MICHAELA]:
To understand, I don’t know, to discover who we really are. I don’t know. I mean, I certainly don’t have the answers to all. I’m a lay person. These are just things that have helped me.

[VERONICA]:
I love that.

[MICHAELA]:
Yeah, the book is just a testimony to, I don’t know, to the love that I had for Frankie. And not giving in to sorrow, being able to transform it.

[VERONICA]:
So how can we find you? How can we find this book, this amazing book, Star Child?

[MICHAELA]:
Probably the easiest way is Amazon. Anywhere in the world you can get on your own Amazon. Over here .co.uk and .com in America, .ca in Canada, I guess. So, you know, I would access it that way, or any fine bookshop should have it or they can order it in for you. But yeah, and you can go on to our website, the Star Child website is starchildcharity.org. You can find out all the fabulous work that we do in Uganda, and here as well, but mainly in Uganda. And my own website is michaelaonline.com, and I’m very accessible. Anybody can reach out and I will answer you as best I can.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. You also have Facebook, correct?

[MICHAELA]:
I do. I’m on Facebook. There’s a singer, songwriter, author page, or there’s my own page, Michaela Foster Marsh, you can get me on either one of those. I’m on Instagram, I don’t tend to do Instagram too much. And I’m on Twitter. Again, I’m not brilliant with social media. I’m not bad with Facebook. But, you know, some of the youth I think they think that’s old fashioned. Now everybody should be on Instagram and stuff. But I’m trying to come to terms with all these social media and help promote the book through all of those [unclear]. It is that we have to do now. But yeah, very accessible, you can find me just about anywhere.

[VERONICA]:
We’ll definitely put a link for your book in the show notes, as well as how to access you on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and everything else. I have to say, Michaela, I have learned so much, so much about our choice, so much about not taking life for granted. And pursuing, pursuing the life we want to live. So I have to thank you. I really do. I’m so excited. I’m so excited to share this with the world. Thank you.

[MICHAELA]:
Thank you. Thank you, Veronica, thank you so much for having me. It was a great conversation.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, it was amazing. We are definitely going to do a Live, by the way. We are totally going to do a Live on Instagram and I’m going to teach you how to do that.

[MICHAELA]:
Okay, okay. Yeah, you can show me how to do it. I’m up for that.

[VERONICA]:
Well, thank you again.

[MICHAELA]:
Okay. Thank you. Thanks so much.

[VERONICA]:
What’s up, ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys.

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