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There is a specific kind of ache that shows up in motherhood when your kids get older. It is not the exhaustion of diapers or carpools. It is the quiet fear that creeps in when your teen or adult child pulls away and you wonder if saying no will cost you the relationship altogether.

I see this in my therapy office every week. I feel it in my own body as a mom of three daughters in very different stages of life. And I named it directly on the podcast because too many women are suffering silently through it.

Setting boundaries with teens and adult children is uniquely painful because the stakes feel impossibly high. As Jennifer Collins shared in our conversation,

“Setting boundaries with them feels like a really high-stakes situation. There’s a lot on the line here.”

When your child pushes back, shuts down, or reacts defensively, it can trigger a deep fear of disconnection. Many moms cave not because they are weak, but because they are terrified of losing access to their child’s life.

But here is the truth I want you to hear clearly. Boundaries are not what damage relationships. Unclear expectations, unspoken resentment, and self-abandonment do.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard With Older Kids

With teens and adult children, we are no longer parenting from full control. We are parenting in the space between influence and letting go. That space is emotionally brutal.

Jennifer named something powerful in our conversation that I see over and over again.

“The boundaries you set really have to come from a place where you’re grounded first.”

When we set boundaries from fear, guilt, or panic, they tend to fall apart. We threaten consequences we do not follow through on. We lecture instead of clarify. We react instead of respond.

That is when power struggles take over and everyone loses.

Boundaries Are Not About Control

One of the biggest shifts for moms is understanding that boundaries are not tools to force our children to change. They are decisions about how we will show up.

Jennifer said it plainly.

“Boundaries are not about getting somebody else to change. Boundaries are about deciding how you show up in your life.”

This matters deeply with teens and adult children because there are many situations we cannot control. College life. Drinking. Relationships. Mistakes we wish they would not make.

At some point, the boundary is not with your child. It is with yourself.

That boundary sounds like this: I have taught her. I have equipped him. I cannot control every outcome, and I can sit with the discomfort that creates.

Consequences That Are Loving and Effective

Boundaries mean nothing without consequences, but consequences do not have to be cruel. They must be clear, enforceable, and within your control.

When expectations are vague, consequences become chaotic. When expectations are specific, consequences feel fair.

A healthy boundary includes:

• A clear expectation
• A clear reason why it matters
• A consequence you are actually willing to follow through on

Not to punish, but to align behavior with reality.

The Identity Shift No One Warns You About

When kids stop needing us the same way, many women feel invisible. Lost. Untethered.

This is where boundary work becomes deeply personal. It is not just about parenting. It is about identity.

“Our kids aren’t there to create our validation and our sense of wholeness.”

This stage of motherhood asks us to reclaim parts of ourselves we put on hold. Our voice. Our values. Our peace.

Setting boundaries is not pushing your child away. It is pulling yourself back into your own life.

And that is not selfish. It is necessary.

If you are in this season, feeling torn between love and limits, know this. You are not failing. You are evolving. And boundaries are not the end of connection. They are the beginning of a more honest one.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Jennifer Collins

Jennifer Collins is a Master Life Coach and Founder of The Small Jar. She empowers moms of teens and young adults to release the anxiety of holding on and embrace the freedom of letting their children soar—while rediscovering themselves in the process. Through her signature program, Mom 2.0, she helps women navigate the heartbreak of kids pulling away, set boundaries that actually work, and create peace and connection without needing their children to change. Jennifer is also the creator and host of The Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where she shares stories and strategies to approach motherhood’s biggest transitions with clarity and courage. As the mom of two college-aged sons, she knows firsthand the mix of pride, loss, and possibility this season brings—and is passionate about helping women see it as the beginning of their most meaningful chapter yet.

http://www.thesmalljar.com

https://www.facebook.com/smalljarcoach

https://www.instagram.com/smalljarcoach

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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