[VERONICA]:
Empowered and Unapologetic is part of the Practice of the Practice Podcast Network, a family of podcasts that changed the world. To hear other podcasts like the Bomb Mom podcast, Beta Male Revolution, or Imperfect Thriving, go to practiceofthepractice.com/network.

Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play.

Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women just like you how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang.

Hey ladies, welcome to Empowered and Unapologetic. I’m your host Veronica Cisneros. Today’s guest is a full-time general dentist and a reservist in the Navy. In addition, she is the blogger and podcaster at Real Happy Mom, a space for moms to find inspiration and encouragement for this journey called motherhood. Her mission is to help moms overcome being overwhelmed with mom life, helping moms parent on their own terms, and know that they are more than enough. So, please help me by welcoming Toni-Ann Mayembe, the host of Real Happy Mom. Hey, girl.

[TONI-ANN]:
Hey, how are y’all?

[VERONICA]:
I am doing good. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for jumping on this call with me.

[TONI-ANN]:
Yes, thank you, thank you. I love chatting with you, so I would do it again and again.

[VERONICA]:
Well, I have to say, I’m so impressed by your passion to help moms, you know, parent on their terms. I think that’s so important. Because, you know, in so many ways, I feel like we get lost in trying to, like, make it up as we go, you know. I know for me, parenting, you know, my mom and dad, I know they did the best they could, however, in so many ways, there were so many dysfunctional unhealthy coping skills that I had learned along the way, and I try to do the complete opposite, only to follow those same patterns. Again, I don’t know what the heck it was, but it’s happening, right?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah.

[VERONICA]:
And so, being able to go ahead and help mothers identify, okay, well, you get to still do this on your terms, however, you might need a little bit of guidance. I love that.

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, yeah, definitely. And I think too, as well, Veronica, it’s a lot of pressure, I feel like, with social media and things that we see on TV as well, to be this perfect mom and to do things a certain way. And I was just talking to someone earlier about how, like, you know, when you become a mom, I feel like, everyone feels like, you know, they have to let you know, like, “Oh, you’re not parenting right. You’re not doing this right.” And it’s like, no, like, I’m the mom, I know what’s best for my child, I’m gonna do it this way. So, just being empowered enough to know that, you know, I can make good decisions for my child, and I know what’s best for my child, and doing it my way is fine, even if it doesn’t look like what you want to do.

[VERONICA]:
Yes, exactly. So, tell me about your story. Like, you know, I know you’re a reservist, I know you’re a dentist, I know you’re a blogger, I know you’re, you know, podcaster… Holy moly, girl. You got so much going on, which is amazing, because I think it’s so awesome that women, yes, we can do it all, however, how did we get here, you know? How did we get to this place where we started taking on different opportunities and being able to kind of balance it out to make it work for us? So, can you tell us some of your story?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah. So, when I had my second son – he’ll be four in May – so, when I had him, I had this itch to start something new, in particular, I wanted to start my own practice. And so, while I was on maternity leave, I actually started looking into ways that I could get that going, and invested in a consultant who was supposed to help me with the startup and, while I was doing it, things didn’t really pan out, and I ended up taking another job, which kind of felt like it was my practice, but I had someone in the background who was doing a lot of the behind the scenes things for me, so I was able to see what it be like to run my own practice. And Veronica, I didn’t like it.

[VERONICA]:
It’s hard work.

[TONI-ANN]:
This is not what I thought it was gonna be. I don’t think I want to do this anymore. And so, at the time I had started a blog, because in my mind, I was thinking, “Okay, I’m gonna start this dental blog, it’s gonna make me look like an authority online, and my future patients are going to see it and be like, ‘Oh, look, she’s doing all this awesome stuff. She knows what she’s talking about’, and it’s going to attract these people to me”. So, I had this dental blog that I initially started, and it was fun and cool and everything, but after a while, I got tired of talking about teeth all day. Like, I’m, like, I’m talking about teeth at work, I’m talking about teeth on the blog, and I was like, “I have so much more that I want to share and talk about”, in particular with motherhood, because I know, for me personally, I know how hard it is being a mom and juggling all of the things and all of the different hats, and then also feeling like you’re not doing a good job. But a lot of times, I feel like as moms, we are doing an awesome job, we just don’t recognize it. So, I just wanted to let other moms know like, “Hey, you are doing a good job and, you know, what you’re doing is just fine”. Because I feel like, a lot of times, we don’t get that encouragement and support, so I want it to be that for other moms, because I know that’s what I needed when I first had my kids. And then the other thing, too, was when I had my first son, that was when I really immersed myself in being a mom and I feel like I completely lost my identity and who I was, like, I literally looked in the mirror and I was like, “I don’t know who this lady is”, like, it was really bad, and what really let me know that it was bad was when I was at work, and one of my colleagues was like, “Hey, so, what do you like to do for fun?” And I was like, “I don’t know”. And I really did not know, like, what I liked to do for fun. I didn’t know what my favorite food, what my favorite color was, and I was like, “This is terrible. Like, how did I get to this place?” So, I wanted to make sure that other moms didn’t go through that, and if they weren’t going through it, to know that there’s a way to get out of it. So, that was kind of the big push for me is like, “Okay, we can talk about something other than teeth”, and I have a lot of things to say about this. So, yeah, that’s when Real Happy Mom started, and it’s been fun ever since.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. And, you know, what you said about, you know, looking at yourself and not being able to identify that reflection, that’s so true for most of us. You know, in one of my earlier podcasts recordings, or episodes – I’m still new to this, so, it’s episodes – but I remember sharing, like, you know, I was brushing my daughter’s hair and getting so frustrated and so overwhelmed, and I had taken it out on my daughter, you know, by being upset with her, however, it was really that I saw my reflection I didn’t even know who it was. And it’s because we tend to fall into this, I don’t want to call it a trap, it kind of is, we tend to fall into this trap of being everything for everyone except for ourselves. And, like I’ve said before, we carry this as a badge of honor, doing all of the things, and doing all of the things in our attempt to do it perfectly and not asking for help, you know, and, in addition to that, not really having this sort of plan on, you know, this plan of action on how to go ahead and get these things executed, with either the help of others, or with maybe not doing it at all, or maybe doing it on another day, I feel like we wake up to this checklist, and we do all of the things all of the time, and we run ourselves crazy, right?

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, yes, definitely. Definitely, I’ve been there and trying to do everything for everyone. And I think that’s exactly how I got to that place of not even knowing who I was anymore, because all I thought about was my husband and my son and work. That’s it. That’s all I could think about. I couldn’t think about anything else outside of that. And so, as a result, like, there was no me in there, and I just completely lost myself. So, I’m totally with you on that.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. So, what was it like when you didn’t have all the answers and you didn’t feel prepared? Like, what was that like? What was that pain point? Like, how did you feel, unprepared? How did you feel, completely lost? Because you speak to not knowing, you know, that girl in the reflection? What did that time period look like?

[TONI-ANN]:
So, my son was, I think at the time, he was just a few months old, so maybe six months is when it got really bad, but I was nursing him and he actually got to a point where he stopped nursing and my husband, he stayed at home – so we have a different dynamic at home, where I was working and he stayed at home and he worked from home – and so, my son actually was so in love with my husband, he didn’t want to have nothing to do with me. So, I would come home from work and I’d be like,” Hey, don’t you want mommy?” and he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. And of course, as a mom, that’s, like, super heartbreaking, because it’s like, you don’t want your mommy? But then, like, I realized, like, I was like, okay, well, what else is there to do? Like, I don’t know what else to do, because all I’ve done is literally take care of my kids, take care of my husband, and go to work and take care of my patients. So, I just felt lost, like, okay, well, what am I gonna do now? Like, what did I do for fun before? It really took me a while to figure out okay, like, there are things that I can do for fun, and it was just a period where I literally felt like I was walking around, like, in the middle of a forest not knowing where home was. That’s how I felt.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[TONI-ANN]:
I just really didn’t know what to do. And it’s kind of scary when I think about it now, it makes me really uncomfortable, like, oh, that person was not fun. But it really was a really low point for me, because I really didn’t have anything else for myself, which is really sad when I think about it, because before I became a mom, I was doing all the things, I was, you know, super outgoing, you know, going to, you know, different events, parties, meeting different people, all sorts of things. And then, you know, all that just stopped once I became a mom. So, yeah, that was a not so great time, and I’m not very proud of that, but I’m proud of where I’ve come from.

[VERONICA]:
No, absolutely. You know, during that time period, I feel like we are so alone. We are so alone, and we feel so lost, and there’s not a lot of people we can admit that to because, you know, a fear of judgment, a fear of criticism, all of those things. And I feel like it kind of puts us in this deeper hole because we don’t have that outlet. And so, you’re attempting to search for answers and attempting to find them from within, and at the same time, you don’t have them, and so it’s like trying to make something up when you’re kind of already at your low point. So, what was it for you? So, you’re there, you’re in this place, you know, and you mentioned, you know, that it was a pretty rough time, it sounds like, for you… What was it that kind of sparked, you know, this interest in starting to work on you?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah, so, just like you said, like, it is really lonely, and now it’s starting to come back to me, like, I didn’t have any mom friends because I was new to the area, my family was, you know, hours away from me, so it wasn’t like I could go hang out with someone. But I did manage to find one mom friend, and when I started talking to her, that’s when I was like, “Oh, like, you can really do stuff!” Like, it’s not just, you know, take care of the kids, take care of the husband, go to work, like, there’s more to it than that. And she was one that actually helped me see, like, that I could do more, and actually got me interested in blogging too, so it was actually after having conversations with that friend that I was able to see, like, “Okay, I have a problem, and I need to fix this, because this isn’t healthy”. But I think the biggest thing that really let me know, like, it’s time to, like, really take care of things, is, like, when I started being resentful of my husband and my son, like…

[VERONICA]:
Yes!

[TONI-ANN]:
I was like, “Oh, y’all make me sick. You’re having fun, enjoying your life” and then I was like, “Well, why can’t you enjoy your life and smile and have a good time?” So, I was like, “No, we got to change this up”. I can’t be upset with my husband because he’s taking care of himself and he has friends and he’s doing things and I’m not, like, I have to make the moves and make the decision to, you know, make a change for myself.

[VERONICA]:
It’s so interesting. I’m glad you touched on that, that resentment component, because often times, as moms, we don’t want to admit that we resent our kids or our husbands, like, at all, you know, that’s like, we don’t want to be exposed, you know, that we felt that way at one point. And so, I really appreciate that you shared that. Another thing that you said that really just… light bulb went off is, it’s interesting how men are able to just give themselves permission. I’m not saying all the time, but men are able to give themselves permission to still continue to do the things. You know, you mentioned your husband was still with his friends and he was still able to do things for himself. What do you think it is, that men are able to give themselves permission, versus us, we stay stuck in this hole, so to speak? With ‘I’m not a good enough mother’, ‘He wants to go to, you know, my son wants to go to, you know, my husband versus me, which only validates the fact that I suck as a mom’, and I’m not saying that you suck as a mom, but just, you know, that’s where I would go, you know what I mean? Like, all of this negative self-talk and, they’re called cognitive distortions, right, all of these thought distortions coming in over and over saying that I’m not enough, where our spouses are able to say, “Okay, well, this is what’s going on and I need a timeout”, you know, and you’re watching him do all of these things. What do you think it was, that he was able to give himself permission to do these things and you weren’t?

[TONI-ANN]:
That is a really good question, and I’m still trying to tackle this because it drives me crazy how men can, like, take care of themselves and they’re just fine, but women we struggle with, you know, just caring for ourselves, just basic things. So, I think a lot of it has to do with our nature, that we are just so naturally nurturing and the caretaker in the family, but also, I feel like it’s a lot of the guilt, too, that prevents us from actually doing the things that we need to do to take care of ourselves – not saying that men don’t think about anybody else except themselves – but I feel like it’s a lot easier for a man to get up and be like, “You know what, I need to, you know, go hang out with my buddies for a little bit” or, like my husband, he did, he still does Taekwondo. He was like, “Oh, I’m gonna do Taekwondo”, and he was doing it, like, four nights a week, and I was like, “Well, what am I gonna do?” But it’s so easy for them to get up and walk away, because I feel like, as moms, we just feel like we have to be there and take care of everyone and be there for everybody and everything. In actuality, we really don’t, we do need that time away. But it’s so much easier for a man to do it, I’ve noticed. Because, how many times, Veronica, have you heard men talking about “Oh, we need to do better with self-care”? No, it’s always the moms that I’m hearing talking about. The guys got it down pat, it’s just in them, like, they just naturally do it like, “Okay, I’m tired. I’m gonna go to sleep” or “Oh, I need to, you know, go have interaction with my friends. I’m gonna go hang out with them”, like, it’s not so much thought into it, they don’t have all this extra… I don’t know what the professional term is, Veronica, but, you know, all the talk in their minds, like, “Oh, no, I shouldn’t do it because if I do, then, you know, I’m not a good enough dad or, oh, I’m not a good enough husband because I haven’t spent time with my wife”. Like, they’re not thinking about that.

[VERONICA]:
No, I love that you said that. So, my first episode, it’s called ‘Girl Put Your Bra On First’, because I’m going over, you know, one of the many times – not anymore, but in the past – I would literally wake up and, you know, rush around like a mad woman all over the place, trying to help the kids, wake them up, cook breakfast, make them lunch, brush their hair, like, doing all the things, and then my husband, you know, it’s time for us to get, you know, to go into the car… My husband looks like all GQ status with a coffee in hand, and he’s already showered, he’s ready to go, he looks like he was refreshed, had a talk with the birds, somebody… because he looked, like, motivated, ready to go, you know? And it’s like, meanwhile, I don’t have my bra on, my hair is in this crazy mom bun, and I haven’t even brushed my teeth, you know what I mean? Like, but here I am, with probably two different shoes on – because it’s happened to me more than once – ready to step out to the world like this, you know, again, no bra on, and then there’s this resentment that I carry, you know, the minute we’d get in the car, well, you know, must be nice to take a shower, must be nice, you know, to go ahead and have your coffee, you know? Meanwhile, not thinking but he made that active choice and so did I. I made an active choice to put my kids first. Not because I have to, my kids are older, my kids are able to get ready, you know what I mean? And even more, I can get myself first, I mean, I can at least put a damn bra on, right? I can at least put my, you know, brush my teeth, however, I choose not to, and I make that active choice not to every single day, sometimes every single minute of the day. And so, I understand, you’re an expert when it comes to preparation and routines, and so, I know, for me, it took that, it took me breaking that unhealthy cycle over and over again and fighting against that unearned mom guilt that we have for not putting our kids first. And so, can you tell me more about preparation and routines?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah, definitely. So, as you mentioned before, I’m a dentist and a reservist in the Navy, and then, on top of that, you know, the mom and the blog and everything else. So, it gets really busy, really fast, and it’s so easy for me to be like, “Oh, I don’t have time”. But the way that I found to, you know, have time to do all the things is with preparation and having systems and routines in place. And what really set it off, Veronica, was the day that I forgot pajama day for my son, and I felt so bad, I was like “How could I forget?”, but that’s when I realized, I was like, “Okay, I’m doing too much. It’s too much, you know, going on in my mind”, like, I thought it was, you know, one day there was another, I think my husband, no, my husband messed it up… Oh, Veronica. This was a good one.

[VERONICA]:
Throw him under the bus. Let’s do it.

[TONI-ANN]:
Let me just tell you, so my husband took my son to school, he thought it was pajama day, but pajama day was the next day. So, he was the only kid at school with pajamas on and I was like, “Never again, never again, I gotta get myself together, I got to get my family together, like, we can’t do this”. So, that’s when I was like, “Okay, you know, what do I need to do in order to make it easier for me during the week?” Because one thing that I found is moms, like, there is such a thing as decision fatigue, and it is a very real thing.

[VERONICA]:
Oh, I love that, yes.

[TONI-ANN]:
So, just to give you some clarity on that, and to whoever’s listening, she’s like, “What are you talking about?” So, basically, we have a certain amount of decisions that we can make in a day, let’s just say we have 100 decisions that we can make in a day before we start making really bad, reckless decisions or not making decisions at all. So, a lot of times what we do as moms is, we’ll spend the first two hours that we’re awake making 50 decisions, and we still have, like, you know, 150 more decisions to make throughout the week, or throughout the day, rather, and so, what happens is, by the end of the day, or even in the middle of the day, you’re just, like, zonked out from making all these decisions that, now, you’re just like, “Oh, I can’t think anymore” and then either, like I said, you start making not so great decisions, or you’re just like, “I’m just not even think about this. I’ll deal with it later”, so you don’t make a decision at all. So, what I found is that I was doing that, where I would put things off and not make a decision, or put things to another day thinking that I would get to it and I really wasn’t, so I found that preparing, especially on Sundays, can help make it go a lot smoother during the week. So, I kind of master my little routine on Sundays, and I tried it one time, you know, I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna do everything that’s on my checklist and see how it goes”, and then, you know, the next week, not do it at all. And it is a complete difference, night and day… like, when I don’t prepare on Sundays, like, my life during the week is not very fun. But the first thing that I do, as far as the Sunday preparation, is just getting the clothes ready during the week, because how many times do we go to the closet and you’re like, “Oh my goodness, what should I wear?” And again, that’s messing with the whole, starting the cycle of decision fatigue, because you’re, like, making 20 decisions on, “Should I wear the blue or the green? Should I wear polka dots or the stripes?” Like, you don’t have to think about it…

[VERONICA]:
[inaudible]

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah. So, just having your clothes ready just makes it so much easier. And I take it a step further to look at the whole week and see, okay, what do I need to wear for work? Do I have any events coming up? Do I have date night? You know, a date with the girlfriends? Like, get everything ready so there’s no thinking about it, you’ll just have it ready, so you just grab it and go.

[VERONICA]:
Wow.

[TONI-ANN]:
So, luckily for me, with work, there’s a uniform, so, really, it’s not too much thought about that, it’s just the same thing every day for four days, but it’s those extra things that I like to make sure that I have ready because, again, if I can eliminate having to make decisions during the day, then it makes me a lot better.

[VERONICA]:
Yes.

[TONI-ANN]:
It makes my day go a lot better. So that’s, like, one of the key things that I found, in addition to just knowing what we’re going to have for dinner because, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I hate when my husband’s like, “So, what are we having for dinner?” And I’m like, “I don’t know, like, pick something”. So, just making, just a simple, I’m not saying do meal prep, like, where you prep everything for the whole week, but just simply writing down Monday through Friday, what are you having for dinner Monday through Friday, just simply writing down, ‘Okay, we’re having tacos on Tuesday. We’re having chicken and rice on Wednesday. We’re having steak and rice on Thursday…’, just mapping it out, ‘what are we having?’, so that you know and you can be prepared, and then also get the things that you don’t have. And then, the other big thing is cleaning out your purse because, Veronica, I promise, it’s been many a time, I have been looking for things. I remember, one time, I was looking for my purse for, like, 30 minutes trying to find my keys, I’m sorry, I was looking for my keys, and my keys were in my purse, and I was going around the house like a crazy lady, like, “Where are my keys? Where are my keys?” Little did I know, they’re at the bottom of my purse. So, just taking time out to, you know, one, eliminate all the stuff that you don’t need in there because, you know, it’s an accumulation of receipts and random toys, if you got little ones, like me.

[VERONICA]:
Forks, crayons, glue… yeah.

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. So, getting all that stuff that doesn’t need to be out and then, you know, putting what does need to be there in there, so that there’s no question about, you know, ‘what is this?’ or ‘where is this?’ because you know exactly where everything is. And I will say, having a purse organizer has been a lifesaver, because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, those big purses, they don’t have a lot of compartments, so it’s easy to just, like, let stuff just fall to the bottom of the black hole and never find it. So, that has been a huge lifesaver for me. But the big thing, for me, is just getting the week ready on my planner or calendar and just making time for myself. So, going back to what I was saying about how I didn’t even know who I was and what I liked anymore, so one thing that I found is just making time to do something that I want to do. And I know for a period of time I was like, “I don’t even know what I want to do”, so I would just try new things, just to figure out what I liked. So, just making time in your week for yourself. And this is one thing that I learned from Kara which has been really, really helpful is, before you even plan out, you know, what you’re going to do, as far as, like, oh, what day you’re going to go shopping for groceries and all that, all those things, she says to make time for yourself, like, map out when you’re going to do things for yourself before you make time for anybody else. Of course, you have to go to work and you have to, you know, pick the kids up from school, but outside of that, there are blocks of time that we have left that we end up filling up with everyone else, and then we put ourselves last, and then that’s when we get to the point where, like, “Oh, I don’t have time for myself, I don’t have time”, but you have to make time and make yourself a priority. So, I make sure that I give myself at least an hour or two where it’s just me doing whatever it is that I want to do, and then plan out the rest of the week so that I don’t forget pajama day, or I don’t forget an important meeting, and things like that. So, those are some of the key things that I have found, when I am prepared on Sunday with these things, it makes my week go by so much smoother.

[VERONICA]:
Hey ladies, if you’re enjoying this episode, stop what you’re doing. Take a screenshot and share it on your social media. Do not forget to tag me; I will share your share on my Instagram stories. I absolutely love hearing from you all and seeing the positive changes you are making in your life.

So one thing that I have to make sure I comment on is, I’ve heard that somewhere – and I’m not going to tell you that I totally follow, like, football or whatever, because I’m gonna lie, and I’m totally probably going to screw up, you know, I’m not going to say his name, because I don’t even know, I’m probably going to put a football and a basketball player in one, and probably gonna totally mess it up – but I remember hearing that, I remember hearing one of the quarterbacks had worn, like, I don’t know which one it was and maybe, ladies, you guys know, I don’t know. But he did that, he made it to where, in his day, the only decisions he was going to make were on that field. And so, everything else, everything else, it was already done. It was already decided. It was already done. So, he already knew what he was going to wear, like, all the way down to what he was going to wear. He already knew what he was going to wear that day, he already knew underwear, like, everything. Maybe he didn’t get to the underwear, okay, but I’m kidding. Cuz that’s a thing for us, you know? Right? So, he had already had everything planned and it was systematic. It was routine. And so, because of that, when he was out there on the field. I could see his face now. He’s married to Giselle. I know his wife’s name, I don’t know his name, but, I know, girl, we’re gonna be on that for, like, ever.

[TONI-ANN]:
I know, I’m gonna look this up.

[VERONICA]:
So, he had planned his day… You know what, if you guys find out and it’s not him, I’m sorry. But it’s a quarterback, I believe. So ,yeah, he had planned out his day so well that, when he was on the field, that’s the only time he had left room for all of his decisions, so he’d be able to be on point and focused. And so, when you’re going over, you know, I’d never heard of that term ‘decision fatigue’. I absolutely love that because it’s 100% true. I don’t know how many times, you know, when my husband and I, you know, were arguing or whatever, I’d get to the point, especially at the end of the day, where it was like, dude, I don’t even care, like, you decide. Whatever you want to eat, tacos with spaghetti, you know, and pasta inside, let’s do it, like, I don’t even care because I’m so tired, right? I’m so tired. I’m so frustrated from making all of these decisions. Can you please make one? Like, just one pick one, I don’t even care what it is, pick it. You know, if the kids are, you know, showering outside in the sprinklers, let’s do it, knock it out. Like, I don’t even care at this point. And it’s because I think we overwhelm ourselves so much with making all of the decisions, you know, and I love that you put that, at the beginning of our day, we leave zero to no room for the rest of our day. Yeah, I love that. I love that.

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah. Because and the thing is – and it’s Tom Brady, by the way, I looked it up while you were talking, Tom Brady – so, yes. And that’s the reason why you see, like, I think it was, like, Steve Jobs and it was somebody else, or Mark Zuckerberg, like, you see that they, like, have a very simple wardrobe, like, they don’t do anything too extravagant. It’s usually just, like, a t-shirt and jeans, like, they keep it simple so that they can use their brainpower to actually make decisions about things that are actually important. And I think that’s one thing that, as moms, we need to make sure that we protect that, too, because if we are trying to make decisions and think for everybody, it just puts too much on us. And then the other thing, too, I forgot to mention is just, our brains aren’t meant to be storage devices, and I feel. as moms, we try to get everything, like, remember everything, and we can’t, like, our brains aren’t meant to store things, our brains are meant to process things and to, you know, get solutions, so that’s why I think it’s so important to, you know, have your planner, have everything written out so you can see it and refer back to it, because you can’t rely on memory for everything, especially when it comes to the kids and the family. So, definitely remembering, like, it’s okay to write things down or set reminders, whatever you have to do to remember, because you can’t remember everything.

[VERONICA]:
So, I have to ask, for the moms out there that are flooded with doubt and insecurities, right. How do they do this? Because, you know, I remember there being a time when my husband said, “Oh yeah, I’m going to go out and work out after I get off work” and it’s like, dude, are you kidding me? Like, what about the kids? You know, and there’s no way in hell I’m working out after I get off work. I’m, you know, after I see my last client, you know, I’m going straight to the house, and I’m gonna love on them and do all the things, and I’ll just wake up at like four o’clock, five o’clock in the morning and work out, you know. And I remember being upset with him because he was able to make that decision, and he’s like, “Well, then I could take them with me, like, no biggie. Either way, it’s important that I go, because that’s helpful in my functioning, that’s helpful with me being present with the kids. And I think, for most of us moms, you know, especially when we’re so flooded with doubt, being able to make that call is difficult. So, you know, if we go back to when you were at that point, where you didn’t know who the hell you were, right? What advice would you give them to go out and take that first step in recognizing what’s holding them back?

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, that’s a good one. Veronica.

[VERONICA]:
Thank you.

[TONI-ANN]:
You definitely want to make sure that that, one, you’re making time for yourself. I know that that’s kind of like my theme song around here, but you have to make time for yourself. The kids will be okay for an hour if you need to, you know, go take a long walk, or go do a yoga class, whatever it is that that lights you up and excites you. Definitely that first thing is just to figure out, how can I make time for me and to do the things I want to do? Even if it’s not things that my husband wants to do, things that my kids want to do… What do I want to do? I think that is the big question, what do I want to do? And if you really don’t know, like, you were, like, super lost like me, like, I would highly suggest, like, get Skillshare or something like that and just try new things, try new things until you figure out what you like and what excites you. But, I know not everyone is a morning person, but I know, for me, what I have found is, waking up before the kids to have that alone time, that’s what really gets me centered and ready for the day. Because the first thing in the morning, like, seeing my kids, like, it’s not that good to see that when I first wake up. I need some time to get ready, get my mind ready and all that stuff. So, I like to wake up before the kids. Fortunately, my son made me a morning person. I was not a morning person four years ago, but because of him, now, I wake up very early in the morning so that I can have my time for myself. And then, also, making time, you know, during the week, like, of course, not including the morning time, just to do something that I want. But, I would say, moms, find time for yourself and to do the things you enjoy, and I think that is the first step to getting back to being you and to feeling like yourself.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. I love that. And you mentioned scheduling on Sundays. So, is that something that you schedule, like, no matter what, it’s happening? And I’m wondering, for the moms that are just starting out, if they could even have their kids, like, if they could even, you know, at any age, five years old, you can show your kids how to go ahead and start to create a routine, right? So, I’m wondering if you would recommend, for moms, as they as they pull out time, you know, get your calendars out right now, get your phones out, you’re gonna actually schedule this right now. So, on Sunday, let’s say, you know, on Sunday, can you block out 30 minutes? Can you block out 30 minutes right now, and at the same time, have your child do the same thing, okay, so I’m going to put the timer on and, you know, both you and mommy are going to go ahead and get all of our clothes organized for this week, and I’m going to let you pick some of the clothes. Don’t get me wrong, the closet might be a mess, the room might be totally like a tornado hit it, it might happen. However, for right now, you’re implementing a new skill. So, I’m wondering if you can kind of make it a family activity, you know, at first, and then, little by little, kind of provide more and more space for you, so your child is able to go ahead and respect that time and space that you have in what you’re doing and what, you know, what new skill you’re implementing.

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh yeah.

[VERONICA]:
And they can go ahead, right? They can see that, okay, mommy’s just getting things ready for the week and, maybe without even telling them, they’re going upstairs getting things ready for the week. And now you went from, you know, maybe 15 minutes of alone time, now you’re at a full hour. What are your thoughts?

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, yeah, definitely. Like, for sure. Involving the kids. Because, one, it’s going to take some of the load off of you, so you don’t feel like you have to do everything, because now they’re picking out their clothes and you don’t have to worry about them, which helps you out, so you know that everything’s all ready to go because the kids have already picked everything out. But yeah, definitely getting them involved, and then having them see, like, okay, mommy’s doing her thing, “Okay, I’m gonna leave her alone”, because now, my kids, they know, like, when mommy is upstairs and she shuts the door, mommy’s recording, leave mommy alone. Like, they know, so I am definitely with you on getting them involved in the routine and having them see it because, eventually, they will respect, like, okay, mommy’s doing her thing, let me leave her alone. Of course, occasionally, yes, they’re going to come in and they’re going to bother you. But, for the most part, I think kids, they will adapt, and they’ll definitely respect that time that you set for yourself, but you have to make it a priority for yourself first.

[VERONICA]:
Bingo. Now, I love that you just said that. I absolutely love that you just said that. It is an active choice. It is an active choice. Just like the men, they’re not so bad after all, you know, we can learn something from them. Yes, I said that out loud, ladies. But, you know, it’s an active choice that we make every single minute of the da, and so, you are more than capable of making this active choice for yourself and implementing it into your daily activities. I love that. I love that. If you can, talk to me a little bit more about efficiency. How do you get there and what’s the criteria? So, we already know we’re narrowing it down to Sunday, we already know that, you know, we have it on our schedule and we’re going to go out and bring our kids in. How do we keep this going? Because, you know, church comes in, and soccer practice, and all of a sudden, you know, somebody wants to barbecue, and things come up, right? How do we stay on target?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yeah, this one is tricky, because I know life happens and there’s things that go on, but just trying to find a way to make it a routine, so it becomes a habit, so there’s not much thought that goes into it, I think is the biggest thing, is finding a way to make it a habit. So, how can we connect this preparation routine with something that you do every single day? You know, whether it’s, you know, when you first wake up and you brush your teeth, okay, as soon as I brush my teeth on Sundays, I know I gotta go start picking out my clothes for the week, or whatever it is, like, find something that will set off the trigger that, okay, I need to do this routine for about 15 minutes so that I can be ready for the week. But the biggest thing, I think, is just making it a habit and finding a way to make that routine a part of the routine. So, it’s not much thought that goes into it.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. Yes. Yes. So, tell me about how you help women get out of their own way?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yes. So, the way that I have been helping ladies with this is through the podcast, by interviewing awesome moms like you, Veronica, and just bringing on different experts to help them, you know, with all the different things, whether it’s, you know, picking out the right foods so that the kids are actually, you know, getting nutrients and not super hyper because they’re eating sugar all day, or whether it’s, you know, getting the kids ready for school, like, how can we prepare them so that they can do well in school? And then also, how can we take care of ourselves? So, different ways of doing self-care. I have all of these experts coming on and helping and sharing that. So, that has been my way that I am helping moms with all of that through the podcast.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. I love that. So, how I end all episodes is by asking, what are you doing right now to live the life you want to live?

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, Veronica, that’s so good. What am I doing right now?

[VERONICA]:
I ask all of my clients that question, ‘what are you doing right now to live the life you want to live?’ and they get stumped every single time. However, each time they’re able to answer that, they feel some sense of empowerment, because it’s like, well, wait a minute, I am doing things, and they’re able to recognize that right away. So, I even ask that to my husband, and myself every now and then, too, like, what are you doing, girl?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yes, yes. No, that’s a really good question. So, right now I have three big goals for the quarter. So, I’ve decided to not look at the whole entire year, but to break up the year into quarters and just focus on quarterly goals. So, I have three big goals, and I have been working on those things, and I feel so good because I’m, like, almost there. So, like, as I get closer to these goals, it’s really helping me to live the life that I want and live with intention. So, I’m really excited about that. Because it’s funny how just making things more simple instead of trying to make it complicated and long-term, like, doing this, the three goals for the quarter, has been so helpful for me because I have been able to break things down and see much more progress. So, that has been the way that I am living out my life the way I want it.

[VERONICA]:
I love that. My last question: so, what advice would you give to the one mom who is listening right now, who feels completely stressed and disconnected, what would you tell her in one sentence?

[TONI-ANN]:
Girl, you’re doing a good job, and you are amazing, and I just want you to know; you got this.

[VERONICA]:
Heck yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. So, I understand, you’re giving us something free. What is it?

[TONI-ANN]:
So, I have my Sunday prep checklist that I want all the moms listening to go out and get. I wanna say it’s 11 things on this checklist that I make sure that I do on Sunday to make the week go by super amazing, and I promise you, if you do, even if you just do half of these things, I promise you, your week will be so much better. So, I want you to go and get it.

[VERONICA]:
I’m totally on it. I can’t wait to get it. And it’s on your website. www.realhappymom.com/sunday-prep. There you go. Okay. Awesome. All right. And then, how can we find you?

[TONI-ANN]:
Yes, so you can find me, of course, on the website realhappymom.com, or on social media @realhappymom. I’m on Facebook and Instagram right now, Instagram is my place that I love, so you can find me there.

[VERONICA]:
Awesome. All right, ladies, if you guys absolutely loved this podcast, this episode, I should say, please be sure to rate and review this, I’d greatly appreciate it. Toni-Ann, thank you so very much for being on here and putting us in gear and getting us organized.

[TONI-ANN]:
Oh, no. Thank you for having me, it was a pleasure.

[VERONICA]:
Absolutely. All right, you guys, you enjoy and have a good day.

What’s up, ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys.

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