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If you’ve ever been told you’re “too emotional,” “too much,” or “starting drama,” take a deep breath. This one is for you.

On a recent episode of the podcast, I sat down with psychotherapist and author Tonya Lester, whose book Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself should honestly be required reading for every woman who has ever bitten her tongue to keep the peace.

Tonya’s message is bold, liberating, and deeply needed: it is okay to have needs, it is okay to ask for more, and it is absolutely okay to be difficult when the alternative is abandoning yourself.

Because for so many women, especially high-achieving women who are used to holding everything together, asking for help feels like a personal failure. And staying silent feels safer than speaking up.

But that silence is costing you.

Why Women Are Conditioned to Be “Easy”

The women who listen to my show are managing everything. Careers, homes, kids’ schedules, the mental load, and often their partner’s emotional world too. Yet when it’s time to ask for help, most freeze.

Tonya named why.

“Harmony for its own sake is a trap, and I’m going to speak up anyway and lean into healthy conflict to create the life I want.“
– Tonya Lester

Women are socialized to be the shock absorbers in every room. If someone has to bend or absorb the fallout, we are taught that it should be us. High-achieving women often feel this even more intensely. Be competent but not needy. Lead but not loudly. Thrive but quietly.

So when you finally say “I need help,” it feels like you’re breaking some invisible rule.

The Truth About “Nagging”

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation was Tonya’s breakdown of why women get labeled as nags. Spoiler: it’s not because they’re asking for too much.

It’s because they’re asking for what was already agreed to and then ignored.

“The only reason you have to nag is because you’ve set expectations and he’s not stepping up. In any other work environment, that’s called falling down on the job.”
– Tonya Lester

If your partner’s boss wouldn’t call it nagging, why is it your fault at home?

This is where so many women get stuck. They blame themselves instead of recognizing the pattern. Meanwhile, resentment grows, communication breaks down, and you’re carrying far more than your share.

How to Practice Being “Difficult” in a Healthy Way

Tonya shared a simple and effective way to speak up clearly and safely, especially for women who tend to soften everything they say.

1. Strike while the iron is cold.
   Have the conversation during a calm moment, not while you’re angry or overwhelmed. You can say:
   “I’m feeling really worn down, and I want to talk about how we’re handling things at home.”
2. Say the real thing, not the softened version.
   If you’re telling your friends you’re miserable but telling your partner you’re “just a little stressed,” you’re not being honest with the person who needs to hear it.
3. Use a clear structure:
   This is what I see.
   This is how I feel.
   This is what I need.
   I’m not okay with things staying the same.
4. Follow through.
   If he agrees in the moment but nothing changes, say:
   “We talked about this. It’s not happening, and it really hurts.”

This isn’t being dramatic. It’s being direct.

When Pushing Back Isn’t Enough

Some women have already spoken up and set clear expectations, and still nothing changes. This is when Tonya says something hard but necessary: the relationship might be shifting into a parent–child dynamic, not a partnership.

“We’re working, we’re raising the kids, we need a partner. We don’t need another kid.”
– Tonya Lester

If your partner’s happiness is always prioritized above yours or if you’re constantly the one doing the emotional labor, the relationship might truly be at a crossroads.

Sometimes more conversations help. Sometimes couples therapy helps. And sometimes the healthiest path forward is recognizing that you deserve a home where you can breathe.

You’re Not “Difficult.” You’re Becoming Honest.

If any part of this made your chest tighten or brought up emotion, please hear this:

You are not asking for too much.
You are not dramatic.
You are not the problem.

You’re finally noticing all the places where you have shrunk yourself to keep the peace. And you deserve better than silence, resentment, or carrying the entire mental load alone.

Being “difficult” might actually be the moment you begin to reclaim your voice and your well-being.

If you want help navigating these conversations or figuring out what comes next in your relationship, I’m here. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Tonya Lester

Tonya Lester, LCSW, is the author of Push Back: Live, Love, and Work with Others Without Losing Yourself and a Brooklyn-based psychotherapist and writer known for her work with relationships and communication. Her essay “Couples Therapist, Heal Thyself” was published in the Modern Love column in The New York Times, and she has been writing the popular Staying Sane Inside Insanity blog for Psychology Today since 2020. She has been featured as an expert in The Guardian, Newsweek, Well+Good, HuffPo, Fatherly, and the Bumble site The Buzz. Visit her online at http://www.TonyaLester.com .

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonya.lester.58/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tonyalesterpsychotherapy/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tonya-lester-b9a3ab14/

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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