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Have you ever felt unsafe in a relationship that looks perfectly fine on paper?

Maybe your partner reaches for you and your whole body tenses.
Maybe you panic when they pull away, or when they get too close.
Maybe you’ve done the therapy, read the books, tried the communication scripts… and still feel like something inside you won’t relax.

If that’s you, I want you to hear this:
You are not broken.
Your nervous system is bracing for abandonment.

In a recent episode of Empowered and Unapologetic, I sat down with Jessica Baum, licensed psychotherapist, founder of The Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, and author of Anxiously Attached and Safe. We talked about why some of us never really feel safe in love, and how to finally start building the security we’ve always craved.

How Your Childhood Trained You To Love On High Alert

We don’t start life as blank slates.

From the moment we’re born, our nervous system is soaking up one main question:
“Am I safe with the people I depend on?”

If your caregivers were present, attuned, and emotionally available enough of the time, your body started to internalize safety.

But if they were:

• Sometimes there, sometimes checked out (anxious or overwhelmed)
• Physically present but emotionally distant (task-focused, not emotionally tuned in)
• Explosive, unpredictable, or scary
• Or dealing with their own untreated trauma, addiction, or chaos

…your body learned something very different:

“I’m not sure I’m safe. I might be left. I need to work hard to stay connected. Or I need to shut down to stay safe.”

Those early experiences shape your attachment patterns:

• Anxious attachment: You learned to self-abandon and manage everyone else’s emotions to stay connected. You people-please, over-function, and panic at distance.
• Avoidant attachment: You didn’t get emotional connection, so you became hyper-independent. You feel safer alone, shut down in conflict, and feel smothered by needs.
• Disorganized attachment: The people you loved were also the people you feared. You crave closeness and are terrified of it at the same time, so you swing between pulling close and pushing away.

None of this means you’re dramatic or too much. It means your nervous system did whatever it had to do to keep you alive and attached.

The Abandonment Wound Underneath It All

Jessica calls abandonment the core wound underneath most insecure attachment styles.

It can sound like:

• “I’m not worth staying for.”
• “I’ll always be left.”
• “Something about me is unlovable.”

Because these wounds live in the body, not just the mind, you don’t just “grow out of them.” You replay them.

You might keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
You might stay in chaotic relationships because chaos feels normal.
Or you might create distance (start fights, shut down, overanalyze) because closeness feels like danger.

Your system is constantly scanning for proof of what it already believes:
“See? They’re going to leave. See? I was right not to trust this.”

You’re not “sabotaging” your relationship because you’re broken.
You’re reenacting what your body still believes is necessary to survive.

Earned Security: You Don’t Need A Perfect Childhood To Feel Safe Now

Here’s the hope-filled part: you can build what Jessica calls earned security.

Earned security happens when, over time, you have enough experiences of genuinely safe, present, emotionally attuned relationships that your nervous system starts to internalize a new template:

• “I can be seen and not punished.”
• “I can say no and still be loved.”
• “I can lean on someone and not be dropped.”

This often starts with an anchor—a therapist, friend, mentor, group, or even one safe family member—who shows up consistently, stays regulated, and is emotionally present with you.

At first, it can feel awkward or even wrong to be treated well.
If you’re used to chaos, calm feels suspicious.
If you’re used to emotional neglect, attunement feels overwhelming.

But as you keep experiencing safety, your system slowly updates:
Oh… this is possible. This is allowed. This is for me.

That’s earned security. Not because you had perfect parents. Not because you finally became “low maintenance.” But because you rewired your emotional blueprint through new, safer relationships.

For The Mom Worried She’s Passing Her Wounds On

If you’re listening to all this thinking, “Great, I’ve already messed up my kids,” pause. Breathe. Listen.

Jessica reminds us:

• Most parents are doing the best they can with what they received.
• You cannot give what you never got—until you start receiving it now.
• It is never too late for repair.

Every time you do your own inner work, notice your patterns, and show yourself compassion instead of shame, you’re changing the story—for you and your kids.

You don’t have to be a flawless mom.
You just have to be a mom who’s willing to see what hurts, get support, and keep practicing safety—for yourself first, then for them.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Jessica Baum

JESSICA BAUM is a licensed psychotherapist whose journey began with a lifelong curiosity about the “Whys” of life—why we feel, connect, and experience the world the way we do. This passion led her to specialize in trauma, attachment theory, and interpersonal neurobiology. Jessica believes that connection—to ourselves and others—is at the heart of healing, and she uses a range of modalities to help individuals and couples return to wholeness. She is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a private group practice, and she leads a global coaching company offering support to clients worldwide. Jessica is a certified addiction specialist and Imago couples therapist with advanced training in EMDR, experiential therapy, CBT, and DBT. Her bestselling book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, established her as a trusted voice in the healing of attachment wounds and building secure, fulfilling relationships.

https://www.beselffull.com

https://jessicabaumlmhc.com

https://www.instagram.com/jessicabaumlmhc

https://www.facebook.com/@beselffull

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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