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Here’s the hard truth wrapped in a hug: most of us were trained to be silent, agreeable, and endlessly useful. We learned early that being the responsible one gets you approval and that approval gets you safety. Cue a lifetime of staying up late making everyone’s lunches, apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, and doing laundry during movie night because “it’ll only take a second.” It never takes a second.

Meet Béa Victoria Albina: UCSF-trained NP, somatic experiencing practitioner, host of Feminist Wellness, and the woman who will lovingly call out your “I’m fine” while handing you your nervous system back. In our conversation, we dug into why so many high-achieving women equate self-abandonment with love, how “emotional outsourcing” keeps us spinning, and what to do when your partner makes that face at your lasagna and your brain sprints straight to doom.

Béa names the pattern: emotional outsourcing. When your sense of safety, belonging, and worth live in everybody else’s reactions, you’ll hustle forever for a gold star that never fills you up. You’ll overfunction, “read minds,” absorb moods, and mistake resentment for virtue. And you’ll call it love.

“Emotional outsourcing is when we chronically and habitually source our sense of the three vital human needs, safety, belonging, and worth, and we source it from everyone and everything outside of ourselves instead of from within at a great cost to self.” — Béa Victoria Albina

So how do we rewrite that script? Start with presence, not perfection. Béa’s approach is wildly practical. First, orient: literally look around the room and let your eyes tell your brain, I’m here, now, safe. Name what you see. Door, plant, cat, kid sock, more plants. You’re pulling yourself out of old survival wiring and back into the frontal lobe where choice lives.

Next, build interoception: the skill of feeling your insides. Before coffee, pause and ask your body if it wants coffee or tea. Day one you may hear crickets. Day 48 you’ll notice, I’m sad and my chest feels tight. That tiny noticing is a tectonic shift. It’s you becoming a person again, not a task robot.

Then, honor biological impulses like it’s your job. Pee when you need to pee. Eat. Rest for three minutes. Each micro-act tells your nervous system “I matter,” which slowly dissolves the need to earn worth by doing. That’s not selfish. That’s structural change, starting at home.

“Doing this work to not be selfish, but to reclaim self is the work of building a more just, loving and equitable planet.” — Béa Victoria Albina

A quick word on the lasagna moment. Your partner grimaces, your body flashes back to every past rejection, and your mouth offers to make an entirely new dinner. Try curiosity instead: “Hey, did you just make a face? What’s up?” Often the answer is “I ate too many donuts; I have gas.” Facts, not a referendum on your worth. As Béa puts it, nothing’s about you. People are reacting to their own projections. Relief, party of one.

And when the shame voice pipes up with “It’s too late,” borrow Béa’s receipts. She’s watched women in their seventies change in six months. You’re not broken; you’re brilliant. Your busyness once kept you safe. Celebrate that. Then choose something new, on purpose.

“We don’t need to transcend the body… we need to learn to listen to the body.” — Béa Victoria Albina

Presence. Interoception. Micro-acts of self-respect. That’s how you stop outsourcing your joy and start living a life that’s yours: messy, honest, and delicious, lasagna faces and all.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Beatriz Albina

Beatriz (Béa) Victoria Albina, NP, MPH, SEP (she/her) is a UCSF-trained Family Nurse Practitioner, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Master Certified Somatic Life Coach, author of the forthcoming “End Emotional Outsourcing: a Guide to Overcoming Codependent, Perfectionist and People Pleasing Habits” (expected Sept 30, Hachette Balance) and Breathwork Meditation Guide with a passion for helping humans socialized as women to reconnect with their bodies, regulate their nervous systems and rewire their minds, so they can break free from codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing and reclaim their joy.

She is the host of the Feminist Wellness Podcast, holds a Masters degree in Public Health from Boston University School of Public Health and a BA in Latin American Studies from Oberlin College. Born in Mar del Plata, Argentina, Béa grew up in the great state of Rhode Island. She has been working in health & wellness for over 20 years and lives with her wife, Billey Albina and their handsome all-black cat Wade.

http://beatrizalbina.com

https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp

https://www.facebook.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp

https://www.linkedin.com/in/victoriaalbina

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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