[VERONICA]: Between writing notes, filing insurance claims, and scheduling of clients, it can be hard to stay organized. That’s why I recommend TherapyNotes. Their easy-to-use platform lets you manage your practice securely and efficiently. Visit therapynotes.com to get two free months of therapy notes today. Just use the promo code JOE when you sign up for a free trial at therapynotes.com. Have you ever thought, how did I manage to lose myself? Being a mom is so hard, especially when we’re feeling stressed and disconnected. We exhaust ourselves trying to create this perfect life for our family. You deserve to enjoy your marriage and your kids, without the stress perfectionism brings. I am going to teach you how to identify who you are, outside of all of the roles you play. Hi, I’m Veronica Cisneros. I’m a wife, mother of three, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am on a mission to teach women, just like you, how to become empowered and unapologetic. Welcome to our girl gang. I have to be honest, these last couple weeks have been challenging. I feel like every single session, every single hour has been met with some level of crisis. Crisis within my private practice, crisis within my VIP group. And with that, there’s so many feelings that come up and I’m sure that you’ve experienced the same thing. You know, we’re all going through this extremely difficult time. We’re still in the midst of a pandemic and now we’re in the middle of protests, rioters, looters, you name it. And there’s so many mixed emotions that have come up for so many people and we’re left with, what do we do? How do we cope? How do we get through this? And I want to ask you a quick question. How are you? Like, really? How are you doing? Because I have to be honest, I’ve personally been met with so much emotion, and at the same time, so much self-reflection. Today’s current events have impacted all of us in so many different ways. We’re all left with unanswered questions. There will never be a perfect time for us to speak up and share our voice with those that may or may not listen. We all can become so frustrated and overwhelmed by difference of opinions and I’ve said this before, change does not happen unless change happens. And I’m sure you’ve listened to that several times on other different platforms. However, I’m going to ask you this, what changes need to be made? And I’m not saying that you need to go out and fix the world and figure it all out and have all the answers. No, I’m going to tell you right now, I personally don’t have the answers. However, I will ask what changes need to be made for you, for you personally? Not saying for your family. Let’s start with you. Because obviously, what we’re doing isn’t working. And I’m left with this question as to why. Is it because there’s a lack of empathy and understanding? Is it because there’s a lack of coping skills, this inability to regulate our own emotions? For me, the minute I don’t feel heard, I get enraged and I shut down. And in those moments, it feels like I can’t, I can’t do anything different except for scream or retaliate. However, I know better. And I know that it’s an active choice that I’m making and it’s actually a refusal to go ahead and pause. And I say that because I have helped others regulate their emotions, I have helped others identify their triggers. And so why is it at times it might be different for me? Well, because I’m met with all of these emotions that come up. And in that moment, the only thing I can think of is how can I get rid of this emotion? Does that stand true for you as well? In those moments, I feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. And these emotions become so uncomfortable that I’m scared of being exposed and hurt and I automatically shut down. And the problem with this is I allow anger; I allow those emotions to take over and it limits my ability to move forward. And this has taken me some time to really, really hone in on and understand it because so many times, it felt like this light switch, you know, and it was as if all rationale escaped me and I was in this fight or flight response. I completely missed the freeze. Now this will keep us all stuck. And I’m not saying that it’s not okay to be mad. Yes, you can be mad, you can be mad as hell. However, do not allow your anger to control you. Hear me when I say that. Do not allow your anger to control you. This is a problem because no movement is made by frustration, especially when irritation builds. And this impacts not only us, it impacts our families, because we feel tight and tense and stressed all day. So, I really want you to think about how has this impacted you? Have you been short? Have you been easily irritated? Are you moody? Is it difficult for you to interact with your friends? Hell, is it difficult for you to even have a healthy conversation? Because I’m going to tell you right now, you’re not alone. And I’m saying that because I as well have experienced something similar. And there are so many times I’ve had to reset. And so, I wanted to go ahead and provide you with some level of insight. And to be honest, I wanted to provide you with answers. And then I decided, well, you know what, you got to be real. You got to be really open and honest because you don’t have the answers. And so, although you don’t have the answers, you do have the ability to teach and you have the ability to go ahead and help others. And it might not be in this political way. however, it can be in a therapeutic way. Where I’m not necessarily telling you what to do, I’m guiding you. And this is something that I’ve had to do, not only in my private practice, but I’ve also had to do for the ladies that I meet with once a week in our live coaching calls. Those ladies that are in my VIP group, they’ve all processed the feelings and the emotions that they’re currently experiencing. And they all are left with this lack of, inability to control them. And so, I’m going to share with you some steps that I’ve provided my VIP group. So, get a paper and pen out because I really want you to write these steps down and I want you to implement them into your life. So here we go. Your first step: process what you are experiencing with somebody you trust, someone who is non-judgmental and will listen to understand versus argue. It is important for all of us to process our feelings. The minute you let go, you allow your body to reset, bringing down the tightness and tension you’re experiencing so that you’re not so easily triggered. Step two: identify what is in your control and what is completely out of your control. Sometimes we tend to believe that we have the power to change others. And I’m going to tell you right now, we don’t. So, I want you to think about how are you going to educate yourself? How are you going to go ahead and make this move to control yourself because, ultimately that’s all we have control over. And by you doing this and repeating this over and over, you are now modeling something different for your children and for your partner. Again, the only thing you have control over is yourself. Remember, you can’t teach what you don’t know. Step three: are my thoughts based off of emotions, or something that is 100% fact? And this is where I really want you to write down whatever thoughts come up for you, because if you’re able to challenge the thoughts that come up for you, then you’re able to go ahead and assign it a percentage. Is this 100% true? Because if it’s not true, then I’m able to challenge it. The other thing, what is this emotion based off of? Is it based off of how I’m feeling? Because if it’s based off of my emotions, then it’s automatically distorted. I’m gonna tell you right now, and I don’t know if this is what you experience, but when I’m at this heightened level of frustration, my thoughts can go all out of whack and all of these negative thoughts, this negative self-talk, can come in and take over if I allow it. And so, this is why I’m educating you on how to really tap into that thought process. And the minute you’re able to tap into that thought process, where you’re able to make healthy decisions and differentiate between irrational thoughts and rational thoughts. Step four: what are you going to do to take action? What is the one thing you’re going to do? It doesn’t have to be crazy big. Let’s start small. And this is not what others want you to do, or what they are encouraging you to do to take action. This is what you truly want to do right now. And it’s not to offend people. It’s not to manipulate others. It’s really to provide you this space of independence. And this can be difficult, especially when we hear other people in our heads criticizing us or ordering us to do something different and only you can determine this, so I need you to listen more. Do I need to educate myself more? Or am I ready to teach others? Remember, right now, so many feelings of uncertainty can get in the way of thinking rationally. And this is why self-reflection is extremely important. Be honest with where you are, and it’s okay because you are not going to stay there. Last step is step five: what are my values? I want you to think about what’s important to you, about who you are. We can easily be manipulated or misled. What are my values? Is this in line with what I value because if it’s not, then I need to take a moment of pause. And that might literally be a couple of minutes, a couple seconds, or an entire day, until you’re ready to go out and make a decision based off of your values. I think it’s important for us to understand that we are all hurting, some more than others, and there are things that we don’t 100% understand. So, if we can truly take the time to learn from one another, then we will experience change, and grow. Lastly, I wanted to share a story with you. And it’s a story of the two wolves. Have you ever heard of it? If you haven’t, here it goes. An old grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, let me tell you a story. I too, at times have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. He continued, it’s as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the other wolf, oh, he is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him off into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit. The boy looked intently into his grandfather’s eyes and asked, which one wins, grandfather? The grandfather smiled and quietly said, the one I feed. Which one will you feed? What’s up, ladies? Just want to let you guys know that your ratings and reviews for this podcast are greatly appreciated. If you love this podcast, please go to iTunes right now and rate and review. Thank you, guys. Many women lose their own identity in the shadow of being a mom and a wife. We are a community of women who support each other. We leave perfectionism behind to become empowered and unapologetic. I know you’re ready for the next steps. If you want to become empowered and unapologetic, get my free course, Unapologetically Me over at empoweredandunapologetic.com/course. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. This is given with the understanding that neither the host, Practice of the Practice, or the guests, are providing legal, mental health, or other professional information. If you need a professional, you should find one.