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Let me start with the question I hear whispered in therapy, usually through tears and frustration that has been simmering for years.

Why does he choose his family over me. Not once. Not occasionally. Over and over again.

Why does he defend his mom when she hurts me. Why does he minimize my feelings when boundaries are crossed. Why am I expected to tolerate the comments, the criticism, the humiliation, and then be labeled “the bigger person” when I finally crack.

First, let’s clear something up. This is not about hating your in-laws. This is not about jealousy, control, or being dramatic. This is about loyalty, identity, and childhood roles that quietly followed your partner straight into adulthood and unpacked themselves in your marriage like they pay rent.

When your partner consistently chooses his family over you, it does not just feel annoying. It feels rejecting. Abandoning. Unsafe. Because marriage is not just about love. It is about priority. And when you are repeatedly asked to stay quiet, swallow your needs, and tolerate disrespect, your nervous system hears one very clear message. You do not matter as much.

That pain cuts even deeper if you grew up believing love had to be earned. If you learned to be easy, agreeable, low maintenance, or emotionally invisible to keep the peace. This dynamic did not start with your in-laws. It started long before you met your partner.

Here is the part no one explains. Most men who struggle with family boundaries are not weak. They are conditioned.

Say it with me. My husband is not weak. He is conditioned.

Many men grew up learning not to upset mom. Be the good son. Keep the peace. Manage her emotions. Put family first no matter the cost. Some were the emotional support child. The fixer. The protector. The responsible one. That role kept the family stable. That role earned approval and safety.

So his nervous system learned, if I disappoint my family, something bad will happen.

Now fast forward to adulthood. When conflict arises between you and his family, his body does not feel like a grown man choosing sides. It feels like a little boy trying to survive emotional fallout. So he defaults to defending them, minimizing you, and expecting you to adapt.

Not because he loves you less. Because his loyalty programming is louder than his adult awareness.

And here is where it gets painful. Many men unconsciously expect their partner to tolerate the family dynamic because that is what they learned to do themselves. So when you push back, he hears betrayal. Threat. Disruption. And instead of protecting the marriage, he protects the system he knows.

But marriage requires a new hierarchy. You are not marrying into a family system. You are building a new one.

Now let’s talk about you. Because you are not crazy. Many women in this dynamic were also conditioned to be the peacekeeper, the over-functioner, the emotional caretaker. So when he does not choose you, it reopens an old wound that whispers, I am still not enough.

So you try harder. You explain better. You bend more. Until resentment shows up. And resentment is what quietly burns marriages to the ground.

This is not you versus his family. This is your marriage versus unresolved childhood roles.

You are not asking for too much. You are asking for partnership. And that is not unreasonable. It is necessary.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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