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Confession time: there was a season where I carried a ton of resentment toward my husband, Willie. He was in the military, traveling the world with his “brothers,” doing “cool trainings,” and (my personal favorite) being away from the chaos of small children. Meanwhile, I was in grad school, doing my internship, and basically feeling like a single mom (he hates when I say that, but that’s how it felt). One day on Skype (yes, Skype, we’re going vintage) I blurted, “I’d do anything to trade places with you.”

He looked at me with this mix of pain and confusion and said, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

At the time, I thought I did. No kids touching him. No snack cups to refill. A full night’s sleep. Serenity! Later, I learned what his “serenity” actually looked like: being shot at, not sleeping, eating poorly, and praying the internet wouldn’t cut out during a two-minute glimpse of his family. That was the day I realized the full picture isn’t always available from our side of the frame.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth I had to swallow: while I was drowning under the weight of my responsibilities, I didn’t see the weight he was carrying for ours. And once I started working with men, first responders, service members, executives, I kept hearing the same thing in different words: “I’ve lost myself, too.”

It just shows up differently.

Many men grind their bodies into dust to provide for the family. They work long hours, ignore the aches, and watch their kids grow up through a screen. They come home wanting to connect, and instead of a welcome party they meet… our resentment. (And yes, sometimes they’ve earned a side-eye. We’re not pretending dishes magically migrate to the dishwasher.) But what I hear in session, over and over, is a quiet, painful refrain: “I feel like a guest in my own home.”

Also: their bodies are paying the bill. Ask a firefighter how mornings feel. Ask a forty-something dad why he now rolls out of bed. Ask my husband why his pre-workout routine looks like a Rated-G twerk. (Hands on knees, tiny circles. Not twerking, ladies. Circles.) Then he’ll make you listen to his knees: snap, crackle, pop. It’s like Rice Krispies in surround sound.

None of this cancels what we do as women. We compromise ourselves, too. We trade sleep for lunches and dreams for laundry. We turn our identity into everyone else’s to-do list. But resentment is sneaky. It builds a case file against our partner and quietly casts him as The Enemy. And once we label someone “enemy,” we stop looking for their humanity.

So, what do we do besides quietly rage-fold towels?

1) Spot how he’s also showing up.
Not the way you would. Not always where you want. But how is he carrying the load—in his body, time, money, worry? Write it down. Seeing it in ink lowers your blood pressure (a little).

2) Lead with empathy (not… that other “intimacy”—we’ll get there).
No, you don’t have to reward basic adulting. But can you acknowledge the grind? “I see how hard you’re working and what it’s costing you.” That sentence disarms more arguments than a TED Talk ever will.

3) Check your lens.
Your past will try to script today. If your body is yelling “unsafe!” when he forgets to switch the laundry, ask yourself: is this him, or an old story trying to keep me protected? It’s not about excusing behavior; it’s about aiming your energy at the present problem.

4) Stop personalizing everything.
Not every complaint is a character assassination. (Unless you’re in a toxic relationship … more on that in a second.) Practice, “I’m listening to understand, not to win.” Gross, I know. But wildly effective.

5) Remember your best-friend era.
Close your eyes and rewind to a moment when you two actually liked each other. For me, it’s our empty-apartment, TV-on-the-floor days when I’d dump a bowl of ice water over Willie’s head mid-shower and sprint away while he chased me: soapy, naked, laughing. (10/10 recommend the spirit of this, maybe not the exact method.) Friendship softens the edges. It reminds you why this person got upgraded from “situationship” to spouse.

6) Name the difference between “hard” and “harmful.”
Hard is the roommate phase, low passion, misfires in communication, defensive loops. Harmful is abuse, chronic deceit, coercive control, secret finances, threats. If it’s harmful, get help. If it’s hard, get honest—and get to work.

7) Build boundaries that serve the relationship, not the resentment.
Boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re clarity. “I’m available to talk after the kids are down.” “I need a 10-minute reset before we problem-solve.” “If voices go up, I’ll step away and we’ll try again at 7.” Boundaries reduce the ammo stockpile.

And yes, talk about the elephant: resentment. Say it out loud. “I notice I’ve been positioning you as the enemy. I don’t want that.” Then tag in empathy again: “What’s your side of the story? What feels heavy for you right now?” You’d be amazed how quickly shoulders drop when someone finally feels seen.

If you’re in the thick of it, try this tonight:

• One sentence of appreciation (specific, not generic).
• One sentence of honesty (“Here’s where I’m struggling”).
• One small ask (“Could we walk after dinner and leave our phones?”).

Tiny shifts, big ripple.

Look, nobody wants to live on the hamster wheel of silent score-keeping. You don’t need a perfect marriage; you need a connected one. Start by widening the frame. Notice the human across from you … the one with Rice Krispie knees and a heart that, underneath the defenses, probably wants the same thing you do: less fighting, more us.

And if you need support, that’s not failure. It’s wisdom. You’re not alone, friend. You’re just ready for better.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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