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You’re Not Failing—You’re Just Stuck in the Role You Were Never Meant to Play

Let me be real with you: I built a business, raised three daughters, held down a marriage through multiple plot twists, and still found myself emotionally unraveling over whether my mom would approve of my Thanksgiving plans. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, and yet, yet, the emotional grip of being the “good daughter” is something I’ve had to work through in therapy myself.

In a recent conversation with psychotherapist and author Katherine Fabrizio (aka the woman who literally wrote the book on The Good Daughter Syndrome) we unpacked the sneaky, soul-sucking ways this pattern hijacks our confidence, our parenting, and our partnerships.

“We’re not just breaking cycles—we’re rewriting the whole damn script.”

So what exactly is The Good Daughter Syndrome? It’s when an empathetic daughter (that’s you, hi 👋🏽) grows up doing the emotional heavy lifting in her relationship with a difficult, emotionally unavailable, or even narcissistic mother. She becomes the family fixer, the performer, the high achiever who makes Mom look good and loses touch with her own voice in the process.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. We’re not pointing fingers. We’re pulling the curtain back and trust me, it’s a relief to know you’re not the only one juggling a calendar full of other people’s needs and wondering why you feel like you’re never doing enough.

When Mom’s Voice Lives in Your Head (and Your Closet)

Here’s how Katherine broke it down for us: When you’re operating under The Good Daughter Syndrome, your mom is more than just your mom she’s your primary emotional partner. Even if you’re married. Even if you’re a grown adult with a 401(k) and a houseplant collection. You dress for her approval. You edit your tone. You say yes when every fiber of your being wants to say, hell no.

“If you can’t feel okay unless your mom is okay with you, you’re not free—you’re entangled.”

And it’s not just about the big moments. Sometimes it’s the subtle digs:
“Wow, you look great. Did they have that dress in a size up?”
“You got the promotion? That’s great… but what about the kids?”
It’s guilt wrapped in concern, control disguised as care.

Even “nice” moms can wield emotional control. Many are struggling with their own unhealed wounds—and they pass down the pressure to their daughters in the form of backhanded compliments, passive-aggressive requests, or a never-ending list of family obligations.

So, what do we do when we realize we’re living for our mom’s approval instead of our own truth?

Boundaries Aren’t Rejection: They’re Reclamation

This part is hard. Like, “saying no and then crying in the car” hard. But if we want to raise daughters who aren’t crushed under the same pressure, we’ve got to do the uncomfortable work of breaking the pattern.

Start by shifting the conversation. Instead of apologizing or over-explaining, say something like:
“Mom, I want our relationship to feel more balanced. I’m working on being honest about what I can and can’t do and I hope that helps us connect in a healthier way.”

And when the guilt hits? Take a beat and ask: Am I actually doing something wrong or just disrupting a pattern I’ve been stuck in since childhood?

“You don’t break generational cycles without a little discomfort. But that discomfort? That’s the doorway to freedom.”

Try Katherine’s journal exercise: Walk through your house with red and green stickers. Mark anything that feels like youwith green. Mark the things that feel like inherited obligation (mom’s china, clothes she said you looked good in, the couch you hate but kept anyway) with red. Then do the same with your calendar. What energizes you? What drains you? Which commitments feel like your truth and which ones feel like performance?

It’s like Marie Kondo for your emotional life. Does this spark guilt, or does it spark you?

You Can Heal and Still Be a Damn Good Mom

One of the most powerful takeaways from this conversation was how easy it is to unknowingly pass this syndrome onto our own kids. You know those moments where you say, “It’s fine, I’ll just do it,” or “I wasn’t too busy for you growing up”? That’s how the cycle sneaks in. When we parent from resentment, obligation, or fear, we teach our daughters that love has to be earned through performance.

Let’s not do that. Let’s teach them to say no. To trust their voice. To know they’re already enough.

And when it comes to marriage? Don’t be surprised if healing this dynamic changes everything. Once you reclaim your emotional bandwidth, your partner gets more of you. The real you, not the over-functioning, approval-seeking version. The you that’s rooted, self-aware, and choosing your relationships on your own terms.

“Marriage is hard enough with two people. Don’t let mom make it three.”

Final Thoughts (and a Hug, If You Need One)

Here’s what I want you to know: You’re not selfish for setting boundaries. You’re not ungrateful for wanting space. You’re not broken for needing help to figure all of this out.

You’re a good woman. And you don’t have to be the good daughter anymore.

If this resonates, go find Katherine’s book The Good Daughter Syndrome on Amazon. And if this blog hit a nerve? Text it to a friend. Start a conversation. Maybe even start a revolution because healing starts with one woman choosing truth over guilt.

And hey, if you’re looking for support, Outside the Norm Counseling is here for the hard conversations and the hopeful ones. You don’t have to do this alone.

Let’s do the work, so our daughters don’t have to.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Katherine Fabrizio

KATHERINE FABRIZIO, M.A., L.C.M.H.C., is a psychotherapist, mother and the author of the Amazon bestseller, internationally published, and award-winning book The Good Daughter Syndrome: Help for Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter. She lives in Raleigh, N.C., where she dances to loud music, talks to her husband about everything, and enjoys her grandchildren without doing any of the work.

https://www.facebook.com/thegooddaughter

https://www.instagram.com/katherinefabrizio

https://www.youtube.com/@kkfabrizio/about

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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