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Have you ever heard yourself yell at your kid and immediately realized—holy crap—I sound exactly like my mom? Yeah, me too. One second you’re managing a playdate and telling yourself you’re holding it together just fine, and the next? You’re locking yourself in the bathroom so you don’t absolutely lose it because someone used bleach on your brand new carpet.

Let’s get something straight: generational trauma isn’t always some dark family secret that gets whispered at Thanksgiving. Sometimes, it’s in the way we react when we’re overwhelmed. The way we shut down instead of speak up. The way love feels conditional unless we’re performing. And it doesn’t end with us unless we decide to end it.

The Rage You Don’t Talk About

That night I almost lost it over bleach stains wasn’t just about bleach. It was exhaustion. The pressure of solo parenting while my husband was deployed. The mental load of school, work, playdates, and trying to raise good humans without losing myself in the process. I felt like I was failing and the rage that bubbled up? It scared me.

But what scared me more was how familiar it felt. That tornado energy wasn’t just mine. It was inherited. From my mom. And probably her mom. Passed down like a hand-me-down coat nobody wants but everyone wears.

Trauma Doesn’t Start With Us—But It Can End With Us

Here’s what I know both as a mom and a therapist: transgenerational trauma is real. It’s not just about what happened to you. It’s about what happened to your parents, and their parents before them. When trauma goes unhealed, it doesn’t disappear. It mutates. It shows up in how we love, how we fight, how we parent, how we feel safe … or don’t.

We don’t just inherit eye color and facial features. We inherit coping mechanisms, survival beliefs, and distorted stories about what love looks like.

“Don’t cry, it’s weak.”
“Don’t ask for help, people will take advantage.”
“Keep your guard up. He’ll leave eventually.”

Sound familiar? Those are the messages I got. Maybe you got different ones, but if you’re still operating from your childhood survival mode, you’re not parenting from a healed place; you’re parenting from a hurt one.

What Healing Looks Like in Real Life (Not Instagram)

Healing doesn’t always look like sage sticks and meditation playlists. Sometimes, it looks like locking yourself in the bathroom so you don’t scream at your kid. Sometimes, it’s calling your sister and admitting you’re not okay. Sometimes, it’s getting on your knees and hugging your daughter even though your rage is still whispering, “They ruined everything.”

And sometimes? It’s crying with your child as they tell you they were just trying to help because they saw how tired you were.

That moment—when Aliyah told me she just wanted to do something to make my night easier—that cracked something open in me. My daughter wasn’t trying to disrespect me. She was trying to love me. And it reminded me that love shouldn’t have to be earned. It should be safe, unconditional, and free of fear.

“I know you were trying to help me,” I said through tears.
And it was the hardest, most healing thing I’ve done as a mom.

Start Here: Awareness, Conversation, and Courage

Breaking the cycle isn’t a single moment. It’s a series of brave choices:

• To recognize your inherited patterns.
• To ask, “What messages did I grow up with, and how are they still showing up?”
• To choose empathy over shame—both for your parents and for yourself.
• To create a home where your kids feel seen, heard, and safe—even when you mess up.

Yes, talk to your kids. Share your story in age-appropriate ways. Let them know you weren’t always who you are now. Let them see you trying. And if you have a partner, talk about how they were raised. You’ll learn so much.

And mama, if you need help? Get help. Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a signal to your kids that healing is possible. That love doesn’t have to come wrapped in performance, perfectionism, or fear.

The Legacy You Actually Want to Leave

You are not your rage. You are not your trauma. You are not your mother’s mistakes or your father’s absence or your grandmother’s silence.

You are a cycle breaker.

And the legacy you leave? It doesn’t have to be built on perfect parenting. It can be built on repair, on honesty, and on love that doesn’t require your kids to earn it. That’s the kind of legacy that changes generations.

So grab that pen and paper. Write out your survival messages. Talk to your kids. Apologize when needed. Cry in the bathroom if you have to. But don’t stop there. Keep going. Keep healing.

You’ve already done the hardest part: you noticed. Now let’s do something different.

Together.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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