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I used to be the queen of “my way or the highway.” Ask Willie. He’s got the scars to prove it. Not literal scars (don’t call CPS) but emotional ones from surviving the battlefield of our marriage when I was deep in my “I’m right, you’re wrong” era.

Sound familiar? Girl, if you’ve ever found yourself snapping “I’ll just do it myself” while throwing daggers with your eyes at your husband, welcome. You are not alone. And this, my friend, is what we call a power struggle.

What’s Really Behind All That Arguing?

Spoiler: It’s not about spelling tests, dinner plans, or which kid forgot their lunch.

It’s about control.
It’s about fear.
And it’s about the childhood baggage we carry like a designer purse we didn’t ask for.

In the beginning of my marriage, Willie and I would joke about upgrading each other. You know, “Lose that butt, and I’m out.” Harmless, right? Until it wasn’t. Until jokes became jabs. Until jabs became low blows. And suddenly, we weren’t laughing anymore. We were lacing up for round ten in the ring.

“I wasn’t feeling safe with him. How could I? Somebody had to be at fault, right?”

The truth is, I didn’t want to be hurt. I didn’t want to feel out of control. And if I could just bulldoze my way through every disagreement with logic, sass, and a killer side-eye, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to be vulnerable.

Three Signs You’re in a Power Struggle (And Probably Don’t Know It)

1. You keep score.
   “Last time I gave in, so now it’s his turn.” Girl, this isn’t a tennis match.
2. You criticize, then martyr yourself.
   “Oh, so I guess I’ll be the only parent who cares about homework. Again.”
3. You feel more like opponents than partners.
   Everything feels like a negotiation—except no one’s winning, and everyone’s exhausted.

Willie and I once argued about our daughter’s spelling test. Not because of the test itself, but because I felt like his relaxed parenting style meant he didn’t care. He felt like my micromanaging meant I didn’t trust him.

We were both wrong. And both kind of right. But mostly just tired of not being heard.

“I never liked to be checked. I wanted him to be checked. But why was it even a battle in the first place?”

It’s Not About the Dishes, It’s About Your Parents

Yes, we’re going there. Because the way you argue is probably inherited.

I challenge you: grab a pen. Write down your parents’ names and your partner’s parents’ names. Now write down how they handled conflict. Who was defensive? Who always had to be right? Who pretended everything was fine while slamming cabinet doors?

Now ask yourself: Am I repeating those patterns? Or am I swinging to the total opposite extreme just to avoid becoming like them?

Trust me, the emotional blueprint runs deep—but it’s not permanent.

Want to Stop the Power Struggle? Try This.

1. Drop the gloves.
   Seriously. Put ’em down. You’re not in a boxing match—you’re in a marriage.
2. Say this line: “You see this differently than I do. Help me understand your perspective.”
   (I didn’t make that up, Stephen Covey did. And the man knew a thing or two.)
3. Name the fear.
   Are you afraid of being wrong? Rejected? Unimportant? Get real about what’s under the surface.
4. Listen like you’re trying to win an Oscar.
   Act like your role is “Most Compassionate Spouse of the Year.” Then actually try to be that person.
5. Look for the common desire.
   Chances are, you both want what’s best for your kids, your finances, your sex life, whatever the topic is. You just have different ways of getting there.

“It’s not that we were on different teams. It’s that we were yelling so loud, we couldn’t hear that we were both saying the same thing.”

Final Truth Bomb

The power struggle isn’t proof your marriage is doomed. It’s proof you both care. But without real communication—without vulnerability—you’re just running in circles, getting dizzy and bitter.

So here’s what I want you to do today:

• Identify your go-to power struggle trap: Is it parenting? Finances? Date night?
• Reflect on where you learned that dynamic.
• Ask your partner to help you write a new playbook.

And if you’re like, “Okay, Veronica, that sounds great, but how do I even begin?”—I’ve got you.

Head to https://veronicacisneros.org/resources and grab your FREE marriage communication guides. It’s packed with real-life tools that have helped thousands of women just like you actually connect with their partner (without needing a whiteboard or a referee).

You’re not alone. You don’t have to figure this out by yourself. And most importantly, you can stop the fight without losing the fire.

Let’s do this together.

Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.

Useful links:

• Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
• Follow me on Instagram
• Check out the new website! https://veronicacisneros.org/
• Outside The Norm Counseling – 951 395 3288 call to schedule an appointment today!
• 5 Things that are Killing your Marriage Free Guide available at www.veronicacisneros.org

Meet Veronica Cisneros

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.

As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.

Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.

Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.

Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop,  you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!

Thanks for listening!

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